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AIBU?

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Original poster

To wish mil would stop telling ds (4) that boys don't cry?

35 replies

Stillhopingstillhere · 22/09/2013 17:21

It's really getting on my nerves!

Ds fell over today and hurt himself, he did cry partly from the shock and partly because he was tired so a bit overwrought anyway (still tired from starting school!) and she kept saying "you're a big boy now, once boys start school they don't cry, only little girls cry."

It explains why her family are all emotionally constipated. Fuck off mil. I did intervene and correct her but I bet she says similar when I'm not there. He's 4. Of course he can cry if he's hurt or sad or scared.

OP posts:
MurderOfGoths · 22/09/2013 17:22

I hate that, I'd be so angry with anyone telling DS anything that stupid

MrsHoratioNelson · 22/09/2013 17:22

Poor little mite Sad

Fuck off MIL indeed!

gymboywalton · 22/09/2013 17:22

that would make me very cross indeed. i have always said to my sons 'you have a good cry until you feel better' or 'i'll bet that really hurt didn't it?' or something similar

Wilberforce2 · 22/09/2013 17:25

This drives me mental, my mil says exactly the same to my ds5 and I hate it. I agree that he is a bit of a sensitive soul but he is a million times better than he was 2 years ago when he would cry at everything. A couple of weeks ago he fell over at her house and cut his knee (there was a lot of blood), I jumped up and was giving him a cuddle/cleaning his knee but she just sat there saying "oh stop crying you are 5 now not 2" and "are you a girl or a boy, only girls cry you need to learn to be brave". Idiot woman!

slightlysoupstained · 22/09/2013 17:27

YANBU. It's just plain nasty, he's four FFS!

I hate this attitude, it makes me sad to think of my DS encountering people who'll tell him he's somehow defective for being human and actually having emotions.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/09/2013 17:29

'Old school' and proud of it I expect - she'll be telling him to "Man up!" before long.

BlueStones · 22/09/2013 17:30

And she's also subliminally telling him that little girls are weak. Bad bad bad.

Original poster
Stillhopingstillhere · 22/09/2013 17:36

I know bluestones, I'm not sure which message annoys me the most!

OP posts:
MrsHoratioNelson · 22/09/2013 17:36

It's also why my DH hasn't cried once in the 11 years I've known him - not even when his grandma died. One day, its all going to come gushing out, like Chandler Bing. I strongly hope suspect that will be in about 2.5 weeks when DC1 arrives.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 22/09/2013 17:47

Silly old bat. Good on you for 'correcting'her

Thepowerof3 · 22/09/2013 17:51

A couple of people I know tell their toddlers to man up when crying. My DD2 gets it the other way, 'oh you're a boy in a dress, only boys pick their noses, climb all over walls like you' I thought those were just traits that a lot of kids had not restricted to one sex

Misspixietrix · 22/09/2013 17:54

YDNBU I get cross when people tell my Ds (also 4) "Stop Crying like a girl! BOTH Comments get the look off me and a reminder to not play a part in.giving my child a Complex! :)

Lottapianos · 22/09/2013 17:56

Good grief, people need to start thinking before opening their mouths! You're right OP - it's a very damaging message for your poor DS. Stand firm and keep on correcting her - make sure your DS feels ok with crying when he needs to, whether he's 4 or 44

fluffyraggies · 22/09/2013 17:58

Is it a generational thing? I think most blokes i've ever known have thought they couldn't/shouldn't cry.

With XH 15 years - never saw him cry.

With DH 7 years and have seen him cry openly twice. Once when my dad died and the day we lost our baby :(

I see him well up at things and struggle then, to push it away. I tell him it's ok to just let it out - I'm always having a weep at stuff. But he wont.

slightlysoupstained · 22/09/2013 18:05

fluffy DP is late forties, and has no problem with crying or expressing emotions openly. (I am the stoic mustn't grumble one Grin)

Think it's not quite so clear cut as generation - some families worse than others, also some areas seem to have more of a "boys don't cry" culture.

Chottie · 22/09/2013 18:31

This is so sad, please speak to your MiL. Can you show her all the replies to your post? Your little boy is only 4, it really hurts when you fall over. I slipped over in the rain recently and bruised my knee and leg and I felt like crying and I'm a lot older than 4.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 22/09/2013 18:31

Ooooh that's annoying. Very annoying.

I like what gymboy said

SugarHut · 22/09/2013 19:36

Gosh, I say this all the time when my DS has "hurt" himself Confused

If he's feverish and poorly, or fallen and cut himself badly, then no, he gets cuddles/attention etc

If he's tripped, and barely grazed a knee, (or like this morning, dropped his Batman cupcake and it landed cream side down in some dirt in the garden, he absolutely squawked) I find he'll often start to superficially cry and a quick "Oh come on big brave boy!! Don't such a girly wirly" tends to make him instantly laugh and the tears are gone within seconds and he's run off on to the next thing completely forgetting about it.

I have to disagree that I'm telling him it's not ok to cry, or that only girls cry, I don't believe he gets that message at all. Very different to having an actually injured child and saying "where's your stiff upper lip boy?!" I think it depends on the circumstance and how you say it?

BlueStones · 22/09/2013 19:45

Don't such a girly wirly

Really? You use our gender as an embarrassment?

stonefree · 22/09/2013 19:47

Sugarhut, that is exactly the message you are giving him whether you agree or not.

SugarHut · 22/09/2013 19:51

Don't be silly, I don't see it as that which I think is pretty obvious. But seeing how many people are so strongly opinionated in this, I'm really thinking maybe I shouldn't say it to him.

I say it because it makes him laugh and stops him crying. He welled up at a Disney film, the other day, which of course I didn't tell him off for.

I just think it's one thing to be very full on, with quite a direct statement "you're a boy at big school, stop crying, it's for girls" when he's fallen and cut himself, and quite another to try and make him laugh with the phrase "girly wirly?" Not causing an argument...genuinely surprised at the strong feelings nearly every has had about the OP and now thinking, shit, is it even wrong to say what I do?

MurderOfGoths · 22/09/2013 19:54

You cannot see any parallels between "Crying, it's for girls" and "Don't be such a girly wirly"??

SugarHut · 22/09/2013 20:01

That's a bit of comparing apples and pears I think. Because the words might be the linked through technicality, but saying to him "Crying it's for girls" would not make him laugh and forget what he was even making a fuss about. Which is the exact point of "girly wirly."

Infact even if I just said don't be such a "girly" he would probably continue spluttering and mutter at me that he wasn't a girl. It's all about making him laugh to stop the tears. Do you really think it's sending out a message? I think he barely pays attention to the context, it's just something he finds funny.

If everyone disagrees, I'm not one of these types that will battle on as if everyone else is wrong, I will take note and simply stop saying it. I'm just really surprised that something I say so flippantly and really have never paid any attention too people could potentially think a child would get some kind of unintended subliminal message from?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 22/09/2013 20:02

SugarHut

You are equating making a fuss with being a girl. You are making girls seem ridiculous by calling them "girl wirlies"

Whether you mean to or not, that's the message

MurderOfGoths · 22/09/2013 20:02

I think it really is.

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