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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed at this? Or just totally unreasonable?

28 replies

Mosschops30 · 22/09/2013 14:40

Lovely boyf was seeing a girl for 9 months, her father became very ill was in ITU and he spent a lot of time with her at the hospital.
They split up after, that was over a year ago.

Two weeks ago she sent him a message saying her dad was ill again, he showed me the txt so hasn't kept anything secret.

This morning she text him to say he died this morning.

I find this odd, why would you txt your ex? He says it's because he got on well with her dad and is considering attending the funeral

I know he adores me, but can't help feeling suspicious of her motives

Am I being a bitch and BU?

OP posts:
Mumof3xx · 22/09/2013 14:41

Hmm I think you are being a bit u

Tee2072 · 22/09/2013 14:43

So your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend texted him to say her father had died and you think that's strange? Confused

Not strange at all. He knew her dad. He might care that he died, regardless of the state of their relationship.

My father called my mother when my grandfather died. My parents had been divorced for over 5 years at that point.

Are you always this insecure?

phantomnamechanger · 22/09/2013 14:44

sounds like he was close to the father, so its only right she should let him know and he should go to the funeral if that's what he wants - to pay his respects, not to see OW behind your back or be there for her.

Vinomcstephens · 22/09/2013 14:44

Yep, totally unreasonable. I split with my ex many years ago but had been close to his family and he contacted me a few years ago to tell me his father had died and I found nothing off about that. Give the poor girl a break - her father has just died and she's reaching out, understandably, to those who knew him.

monicalewinski · 22/09/2013 14:44

You are being a bit U, but I can see your side of it (not much help though, sorry!)

whattodoo · 22/09/2013 14:44

I think it says a lot for your boyfriend that he supported her through a difficult time and feels that he wants to attend the funeral.

She may be reaching out to him for comfort, or just keeping in touch because they went through the previous difficult illness together.

Regardless of her motivation, sympathise with your boyfriend's undoubted sadness and don't mention any of your fears. He might think you are being irrational.

Justforlaughs · 22/09/2013 14:44

I think you are feeling insecure about your relationship. I can see it from all sides. In your shoes I would be feeling the same, however, I hope I would rise above that see that she is suffering and needs support and whether you like or not your DP was a great support to her in the past. As for your DP, I can imagine that he feels very torn. On the one hand he doesn't want to go behind your back - evidence th efact that he showed you the texts. But, he obviously got on well with her Dad and would like to go to the funeral. He wants/ needs your blessing for this - you could always offer to go with him, if you both feel it appropriate. I have been to funerals with my DH of people that I didn't know, to show support for him.

Morgause · 22/09/2013 14:44

Not strange at all.

Icelollycraving · 22/09/2013 14:46

Yabu. He adores you & was supportive to an ex,that speaks volumes to me,sounds a thoroughly nice man.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/09/2013 14:46

Grief makes us do odd things. She may be hoping for a reconciliation. It is up to him if he wants to go and pay his respects. Were you thinking of accompanying him?

SugarHut · 22/09/2013 14:47

YABU.

If this is the only contact she has had with him since the split, and he was actively supporting her/her father as the poor man became progressively more poorly, then it's actually quite a nice thing to do for him attend this man's funeral.

Her father's just died. This morning ffs. Very unreasonable to think she has anything else on her mind than feeling a great loss. She's got back in touch with someone who supported her and him through a lot of his illness.

Unless the text(s) is something suggestive like "He passed away this morning, come round, I need a cuddle, especially from you...." (which frankly is just horrendous so I can't imagine it is) then you need to grow up.

Tabby1963 · 22/09/2013 14:48

YABU

When a close relative dies, one of the first distressing tasks is to contact everyone who knew them to let them know. Your bf's ex was merely letting him know that someone he knew well for a while and had helped to support when ill in hospital, had sadly passed away. It is good manners that she did this, not a way of trying to rekindle their previous relationship.

Heaven knows, she will have enough on her plate what with dealing with her own and the family's grief over the coming months.

I presume you won't give your bf a hard time about attending the funeral?

Squitten · 22/09/2013 14:48

YABU

He knew her father so she informed him. She hasn't asked him to do anything.

Her father has just died. I'm pretty sure jumping your BF is low on her agenda

Yama · 22/09/2013 14:48

I don't find this odd either.

nefertarii · 22/09/2013 14:48

If he is a lovely boyfriend, surely he is a lovely person. Yabu.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/09/2013 14:50

No I won't accompany him, I live at the other end of the country and he has now moved so lives about 3 hours from her.

Thanks for the replies, deep down I know I am being selfish and insecure, I trust him to the end of the earth, but have never had such a great relationship but old habits die hard and this is probably how I would have behaved before, he doesn't deserve it

OP posts:
TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 22/09/2013 14:51

yabu. it is not at all odd if he knew her dad and got on well with him.

VodkaJelly · 22/09/2013 14:53

Sorry but I think you are BU. She has informed him as he was there when her father was seriously ill last time.

Tabby1963 · 22/09/2013 15:03

Moss, I think you've got a good'un there. /emo/te/1.gif

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 22/09/2013 15:03

Unreasonable. He knew this man might even have liked him a fair bit. I'd have wanted to know too.

My dad personally went round to my mums house the day his dad (my lovely grandad) died to tell her himself. They had been divorced for nearly 2 decades by then. But as my mum had known grandad since she was 17 and loved him like a father it wasn't weird to anyone at all. It was the right thing to do. And my parents hate each other btw.

Original poster
Mosschops30 · 22/09/2013 15:32

Thank you for making me see sense Smile

OP posts:
MikeOxard · 22/09/2013 15:42

Yanbu. They were only together 9 months, how close could he have got to this girl's father in that space of time? Weird imo. Certainly weird of him to consider travelling 3 hours to the funeral. Sending a nice card to the girl's family, and maybe some flowers, since she took the trouble to let him know, but really that's about it.

spindlyspindler · 22/09/2013 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocolepew · 22/09/2013 16:18

I think it's odd, they have been apart longer than together. They weren't in a long term relationship.

waterlego6064 · 22/09/2013 16:28

I don't think the length of their relationship is relevant. He knew the woman's father and had visited him in hospital. Seeing people when they're very ill and vulnerable is quite intimate really; perhaps your DH has a strong fondness for this man.

I texted one of exes to tell him when my dad died. He knew my dad when we were teenagers/young adults and I knew he'd want to know. I texted all sorts of people, some of whom I hadn't seen for years, because I felt that the whole world should know that this great man had ceased to exist. Maybe that's how your DH's ex is feeling.