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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that it can take YEARS before you know your partner properly?

35 replies

ICameOnTheJitney · 21/09/2013 22:40

I've been with DH for 11 years...married for 2. We're 40 now and I am JUST starting to get to know him well. I can now tell when he is scared...though he doesn't show it....I see how when in times of stress or bad news he can take around 2 days for it to sink in and for him to finally react.

In the past I haven't pieced these things together or had experiences to compare them to...is this usual? HOw long have you been with your partner and how long did it take you to feel you knew him properly?

OP posts:
frownyface · 21/09/2013 22:47

I agree. I have been with my dp 12 years and I still occasionally get taken aback by the things he says/does or doesnt do. I know people have these whirlwind romances and good for them but I cant help thinking you cant really know-know someone as that takes time...

frownyface · 21/09/2013 22:51

I guess you can get an idea of the type of person they are...but people are complex and I know some people say you can never really know someone 100%..its interesting isnt it :)

minimuffy · 21/09/2013 23:04

Been with dh for 10 years married for 5. Took till over 8 years for me to notice that he ate with his cutlery in the wrong hands!

gintastic · 21/09/2013 23:07

Been 13 years with DH and still learning new stuff about him. It's great :-)

McNewPants2013 · 21/09/2013 23:15

9 years married 2 and still finding new things about DH. I thought I was just me.

PunchHouse · 21/09/2013 23:26

And sometimes you find out that even after years and years, you actually don't know them at all...Sad

loveliesbleeding1 · 21/09/2013 23:28

21 years here and he still surprises me, we got together very young (16 & 19), have grown up together and yet I sometimes look and think "who is this man",love him to bits though.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/09/2013 23:34

Doesn't surprise me how little people know their partner

I'm constantly surprised by how little people know themselves Grin

curlyclaz13 · 21/09/2013 23:58

After 15 years I didn't realise he knew that many Kenny Rogers song's or how hairy his bum actually was until this year.

daisychain01 · 22/09/2013 06:17

Don't forget we all develop as people, often subtly, due to influences in our environment, so the person you knew 11 years ago may not be exactly the same as now, you may discover things about them that are part of that constantly evolving character.

jasminerose · 22/09/2013 08:11

I met and married dh within 18 months. I just felt I knew him, and I wouldnt say either of us have fundamentally changed. We are very close

Thisisaeuphemism · 22/09/2013 08:19

Dh knows me well I think, I don't know him to the same extent - his mind is a beautiful mystery.

We often say 'I don't know you' to each other because it makes us laugh.

TheArmadillo · 22/09/2013 08:25

13.5 years and we are still learning things about each other.

I know what kind of person he is but learning more about his experiences and similar.

Also we have been together since we were 17 and been through quite a lot of crap together, and you do grow and develop.

I see it as a positive of marriage - stops you getting bored of each other Grin

jasminerose · 22/09/2013 08:31

I think a lot depends on the type of communicators you are. We knew each others entire life stories and opinions on everything in first 6 months, but we lived together from 1 month in and we both talked a lot.

Bonsoir · 22/09/2013 08:33

Up to a point. I know my DP very well - we have been together for 11 years and have been through a lot together, especially in the early days. He's a complex of uber-focused and conscientious in some areas and completely vague in others. And he has a healthy man-sized ego that means he hates his self-perception of superman to be shattered, so I have to tread very carefully in the vague areas.

MrsBennetsEldest · 22/09/2013 08:35

Have been married for 20+ years and strongly believe that you never truly know a person. You know what the other person wants/allows you to know. My DH says He never knows what I am thinking or how I will react to a situation and that I always surprise him. I can read him like a book BUT He has done things completely out of character that have made me think who are you?

crescentmoon · 22/09/2013 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBennetsEldest · 22/09/2013 08:45

Excellent post crescent. :)

Nagoo · 22/09/2013 08:47

Mine hasn't surprised me in about the last 8 years, TBH. I generally know what he's going to say as he's inhaling.

jasminerose · 22/09/2013 08:53

Im like nagoo. Whatever happens dh is still the same and I seem to be as well. Regardless of different circumstances etc. We are obviously predictable to each other!

OHforDUCKScake · 22/09/2013 08:53

Yes, Id say 8-10 years for me.

Thisisaeuphemism · 22/09/2013 08:54

That's funny Nagoo

prudyklimovitsky · 22/09/2013 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Foxeym · 22/09/2013 09:40

I agree punchhouse, was with my partner for 15 years, married for 7 with 2 DC's and the last thing I ever expected him to do was have an affair with my so called friend last year! We always seemed to be so in tune and people commented on how great our relationship was, obviously not!!

Trills · 22/09/2013 09:47

Is it a bad thing to be sill finding out new things about someone?