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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you are invited for dinner at someone's house you should follow their cultural norms for arival time?

120 replies

froken · 21/09/2013 17:53

We are invited for dinner tonight at our lovely Spanish friend's house.

I am English and my dp is Swedish (we all live in Sweden.)

When we have our spanish friend over for dinner and say come at 6 (for example) she often comes at 7 ish.

The last time we were invited to dinner at her house we were 20 mins late, we were so worried that we were very late but when we arived the only people who were there were a our friends who are Dutch. Her (the hostess) Spanish friends turned up about half an hour after us, her Brazilian friends came about 2 hours after us.

The Swedes like to be on time. A Swedish friend called me to apologise for being late. He was 3 minuites late and we were meeting me at my apartment (and we both have babies.)

We are invited at 7. They live 10 mins away. I have suggested we leave our house at 7 (arriving at 7.10/7.15 ish) Dp is not coping well with the suggestion of being late on purpose.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CeliaFate · 21/09/2013 19:16

Why can't people say the time they mean?! Dh insists we arrive on the dot, I'd allow 10 minutes leeway. If people are more than 20 minutes after the time we've said to come, then we start doing Hmm faces at each other.
If you want us to come at 8 and won't eat till 9, say that, so I can eat something before I come or I'll faint.

Maryz · 21/09/2013 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper · 21/09/2013 19:17

family dinners on the asian side of my family always always run late. You get there for 8 you will not be eating until 930 and when it is time to go home (never before 12) takes at least 30 minutes as you will need to arrange when you shall next be seeing everyone why this can not be done by phone/email I do not know

Talkinpeace · 21/09/2013 19:47

"come at 7 to sit down to eat around 8"
is how I get round the mixture of people needing babysitters, taxis, drink habits etc
but the food is served within ten minutes of said time ...

Wishihadabs · 21/09/2013 20:08

I'm British, we aim to arrive 10-15 mins after specified time. (Sometimes ends up being closer to 20) anything more than that would make me anxious. If guests are more than 1/2 hour late, I consider it rude not to phone ahead. Am Shock at 2+ hours late.

Merguez · 21/09/2013 20:09

My mother always taught me that it is polite to arrive about 15 minutes after the time you're invited for dinner, in case your hostess is not quite ready.

If I invited people for dinner at 8 I would expect them to arrive between 8.10 and 8.30. But that is in England.

lougle · 21/09/2013 20:16

I don't get this. At all. If you want someone to arrive at 7, tell them 7. If you intend to eat at 7.30 but want them to get in, hang up their coat, have a glass of wine in their hand prior...tell them 7.

I had the most bizarre situation with my Dad that he would say to come to the house at 6pm, but what he meant was that he and Mum would be serving the food on the plates at 5.55pm and if we arrived at 6.01pm we would be Late. So, I started thinking 'hmm...6pm....5.30pm then.' At the same time, because he got stressed about us getting there at the time he told us, he started adding half an hour on, so would say '5.30pm' meaning that we'd eat at 6pm. Of course, that meant we ended up arriving at 5pm then dinner wasn't ready until 6pm.

Now, he says '6pm' and I say 'eating at 6pm or arriving at 6pm?' Much clearer.

DontmindifIdo · 21/09/2013 20:16

I always say "7, aim to eat at 8" so people know they are welcome from 7, but then also they know that: "8 is when you are needed for, so after that you are late".

OP - next time, ask your friend what time they are planning on serving food, so you know when to arrive by. If 7pm is drinks and 9pm is food, you know you are welcome to turn up any time between 7-9pm and still be 'on time' for the food.

WafflyVersatile · 21/09/2013 20:22

I thought it was fairly standard in the UK to say '7 for 7.30' or 7 for 8'. This makes clear that there is an upper and lower limit of times for you to arrive. Do not turn up at 6.50 as we will be having a quicky on the kitchen floor or wiping dirt of the steak we just dropped on it. Do not turn up at 8.15 as we will tapping our fingers on the dining table and resolving never to invite you again.

But with so many nationalities all in a foreign land it's not surprising it gets a bit muddled.

BrokenSunglasses · 21/09/2013 20:30

Being British, I'd find it hard to be intentionally late as well, so I'm kind of with your dh, but you're right.

I love the relaxed attitude that many of my non British friends have towards the time, and I'd love it if everyone were like that.

Wishihadabs · 21/09/2013 20:33

Can any Irish/Asian mnetters enlighten me how one gets to be 2 hours late ? is there ever any intention of arriving close to the specified time ?

Mintyy · 21/09/2013 20:35

Sorry, I have tried, but I lost the will to live halfway through reading that op.

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/09/2013 20:38

We usually do 7.30 for dinner at 8. Most of our friends know dinner really is at 8 because my DH has a habit of saying it's been lovely to see you but please excuse me because I need to go to bed at about 11.15. I often stay up drinking with the hard core though.

SoftSheen · 21/09/2013 20:43

I'm English and if invited for 7 pm I would aim to arrive at 7.15. Arriving at 7 pm on the dot looks a bit too keen, and arriving much later than 7.15 might impact on when the host is planning to serve dinner, which would probably be 7.30 or 8 pm.

Maryz · 21/09/2013 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wiltingfast · 21/09/2013 20:44

God Ireland is getting quite a bashing here! I would just like to say as the hostess of many an irish party in ireland that people are rarely more than an hour late ime. And this being the norm it is of course totally factored into all timings.

I think people just don't want to be first and have an absolute dread of catching the hostess "unready".

Anyway, back to the topic at hand I don't think there is any absolute rule, I would adapt to what I perceived my hostess's expectations to be. So like the op I would probably aim to be a little late.

Talkinpeace · 21/09/2013 20:46

OK
lets open it up a bit .....

dinner in California - delayed for 40 mins as the hostess had broken a nail while cooking and could not seve our food till she'd been to the nail bar ....
so our dinner overcooked while we drank and waited for her ...

FloraFox · 21/09/2013 20:47

My friends are all over the place with this which has led to a few disasters in the past. My approach now depends on how time-flexible the food is. If it needs to be served at a particular time, I say "7 for 7.30 - we'll eat at 7.30, don't be late" If the food doesn't matter, I'd say "any time after 7 is fine, we'll eat when everyone is here" so they won't be stressing about it. I'd be appalled if anyone showed up early.

Maryz · 21/09/2013 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FloraFox · 21/09/2013 20:48

Oh, if I'm asked to someone else's house, I'd expect to take into account the norms of the person who asked and, if I'm not sure, I ask. I also hate being first there.

AveryJessup · 21/09/2013 20:49

Presumably if your Spanish friend lives in Sweden she will be familiar with Swedish norms and know that Swedish guests will turn up at 7 when invited to a dinner that starts at 7. Equally she'll know that her Spanish etc guests will be there at 8 or later.

When I had friends over in the UK I always knew the Germans and Swedes would be there on time while my Irish friends would be later. Didn't bother me either way.

FloraFox · 21/09/2013 20:49

wilting it's funny you say the Irish are getting a bashing then say they are not more than an hour late Grin

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/09/2013 20:50

Hello Dawndonna* >>>waves

Maryz · 21/09/2013 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 21/09/2013 20:52

I think I should move to Sweden. I love punctuality.