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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to inflict a small non-serious injury on myself so I don't have to fly..

74 replies

Undergarment · 21/09/2013 14:37

...got to go on first work trip abroad since giving birth to my DS. Due to fly tomorrow and I can't bear the idea of leaving him to fly half way around the world for 5 days. Hate the idea of being so far away from him (he's 9 months old so not tiny and will be well cared for by DP and DGPs)/terrified of flying.....in a complete state about it. Work will go ballistic if I drop out now (work with young blokes who won't understand at all). Keep wondering if there is a non serious but non-fly able injury/affliction I could get between now and tomorrow. Apparently you can't fly with conjunctivitis but that's a bit tricky to give yourself! What else?

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 21/09/2013 17:37

oohdaddypig I'm sure you're right but until that time I'm in this job, its not constant travel but it is for 5 days at a time when I go..
However if I have children and I just can't face it then I'd look for a new job, not get to the day before and apparently be seriously thinking of just not turning up.

However I'm strongly of the opinion that both parents are equal, men are fully capable of being the primary care giver and I don't believe a child would suffer for that. It will probably suit our family for me to carry on in my job and my OH to do just that as I earn significantly more so if we don't want nannies then he'd be the SAHP.

Anyway we're off topic, OP I feel for you, but its too late now to pull out, suck it up and speak to your boss when you get back.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2013 17:43

You should have said you couldn't go before now. The only thing you can do is to say family problems but it is going to look a bit feeble. I don't envy you going on this trip but it's really too late to get out of it the day before. And next time you have to go on a trip you will need a different excuse.

nulgirl · 21/09/2013 17:43

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to leave your baby generally but this is completely the wrong time to decide. If she hadn't wanted to go she should have said so before the trip was booked and not left it to the last minute to pull out. As a grown up and a paid employee there are certain things that you just need to do.

thebody · 21/09/2013 17:57

well you and your dh obviously don't have large mortgages/ bills to pay and definatly can't be self employed.??

my dh would have loved 9 months maternity leave paid but unfortunately we would have list our house and that would have been bad for baby too.

I think your arguments are ridiculous and best sent back to 1957.

mothers need/ want to work, babies survive.

StuntGirl · 21/09/2013 18:01

Another thing to consider OP, what you are planning on doing could be considered gross misconduct by your employers. If they find out you could find yourself out of a job anyway.

Cannot believe people are encouraging the OP to go ahead regardless.

thebody · 21/09/2013 18:03

my post was to froken. agree stunt girl too.

think carefully op. very unprofessional and unfair.

froken · 21/09/2013 18:05

*well you and your dh obviously don't have large mortgages/ bills to pay and definatly can't be self employed.??

my dh would have loved 9 months maternity leave paid but unfortunately we would have list our house and that would have been bad for baby too.

I think your arguments are ridiculous and best sent back to 1957.

mothers need/ want to work, babies survive.*

We live in a 1 bedroom apartment, for me right now I/my dp is what my baby needs not a house. We will move a couple of train stations out to a cheaper area when my ds gets to an age where he needs his own room.

I havn't argued that is mothers want to work they shouldn't, I strongly believe that women have every right to behave exactly the same as men when it comes to working after they become parents. I also believe that men should have the same rights as women to stay at home and take care of children if he wishes.

What I do believe is that if a woman feels she wants/needs to be close to her child then she should put that need before the commitments she has to her employer. Your children are going to be a part of your life untill the day you die. Your employer will have forgotten you 5 years after you leave.

My dp will be on full pay when he is on paternity leave, we live in a country where a child's need to have a stable parental figure in their first years is valued very highly.

nulgirl · 21/09/2013 18:34

But no one is saying that it is wrong to want to be with your children and not travel. What we are saying is that it is completely inappropriate and unprofessional to make this decision the day before you are due to go on a preorganised business trip and then throw a sickie.

ScrewtapesOppositeNumber · 21/09/2013 18:39

Just go. To drop out now would be deeply unprofessional. If you do, don't be surprised if you get the boot in the next round of redundancies. They may well want medical evidence if you claim to be ill.

If you were worried about leaving a 9 month old you should have told them a LOT earlier so they could get someone else to go.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 21/09/2013 18:40

"What I do believe is that if a woman feels she wants/needs to be close to her child then she should put that need before the commitments she has to her employer. Your children are going to be a part of your life untill the day you die. Your employer will have forgotten you 5 years after you leave."

Does the same count for men? Also, how would you feel if you turned up to see your GP and found out he had buggered off early because little Emma forgot her PE kit and was crying down her phone.

thebody · 21/09/2013 18:44

no if you work and take the pay then you do your job. if you don't want to then don't take the wage and conditions.

I gave up a well paid role to have my kids as I wanted to be at home for them and dh earned more. he is self employed in the UK so we didn't have the luxury of paternity leave etc. if you run your own business you either work and earn or don't and don't.

you can't take a job that involves travel and then let your boss and colleagues down at the last minute.

we all make choices as parents and those choices shouldn't include lying and letting down your boss and colleagues.

Tasmania · 21/09/2013 18:47

froken

You obviously do not live in the UK then. Hence, you should not give advise to a woman with a career and child in the UK. That is terribly irresponsible.

You might live in a place where a child's need to have a stable parental figure in their first years is valued very highly. But the same does not count for the UK... and what the OP plans to do is GROSS MISCONDUCT.

Upon discovering, her employers can sack her immediately. No payments at all.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/09/2013 18:53

My dp will be on full pay when he is on paternity leave, we live in a country where a child's need to have a stable parental figure in their first years is valued very highly.

I also have a vague memory of you saying that you received a years paid maternity or something similar Froken? Therefore you have absolutely no experience of how hard it is for working mothers to maintain their credibility and their careers.

Encouraging someone to risk their job for 5 days away from a baby who won't even remember the trip is ridiculous advice.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/09/2013 18:53

Cross post with Tas.

Tasmania · 21/09/2013 18:58

Chipped - I think froken must be living in Norway or some other country like that. My friends in Oslo get a year of fully paid maternity leave (100% of salary) that the mother could share with the father if they so choose.

However, my friends there KNOW they are lucky to have that. They also know that this may not be the case for their kids in the future, once the OIL FUND the government has runs out.

Shapechanger · 21/09/2013 19:03

What I do believe is that if a woman feels she wants/needs to be close to her child then she should put that need before the commitments she has to her employer.

This is a specious, sentimental argument.

No one disputes that mothers want to put their children first, but if you want to work you have to find a balance. It is possible to be a responsible employee and a good parent at the same time.

froken you write as if this woman's employers were cruelly snatching her away from her baby. This is bloody ridiculous. They pay her to do a job, she should do it. If there are aspects of it that don't work for her she should discuss them like an adult - in advance of any plans being made - and see if a compromise can be found.

'I don't think a woman should have to leave her baby' blah blah. OK, froken how would you feel about an employer who said to an employee or an interviewee 'I'm afraid this job isn't for you because it involves travel and it wouldn't be fair to separate you from your baby'.

Doesn't work so well that way round does it?

Chippednailvarnish · 21/09/2013 19:03

I believe it's Sweden?
Which makes me find her advice even more outlandish...

utreas · 21/09/2013 19:12

YABU I can't believe people are advocating her faking illness/emergency not to go. If she was caught she would be sacked immediately

RocknRollNerd · 21/09/2013 19:41

As everyone else has said, do not fake injury, illness. You could well find yourself unemployed (and unemployable) if you do that and get found out; and as others have said knock the credibility of working mothers as well.

Being more positive, try to think of the benefits of this (relatively short) trip - how many times since you had your baby have you had time to yourself - you've got a flight coming up and then 4 or 5 nights in hotels with people cooking and cleaning for you. No-one to snore or wake you up crying in the night, you can chill out in the evenings, watch crap TV, laze in the bath without anyone coming in to clean their teeth, use the loo etc.

I've done 1 week trips regularly with work since DS was 7 months old, you do miss your child whilst your away but the upsides to time to yourself in the evenings go a long way towards making them bearable in my experience.

specialsubject · 21/09/2013 19:43

deliberately damaging eyes - you don't get spares. Suggest not doing that.

you should have rearranged things some time ago, you are now committed. Baby won't even notice. Gender/age of your colleagues irrelevant, you made an adult decision not to change the trip.

do the trip and when you get back, think whether you still want the job.

oohdaddypig · 21/09/2013 21:55

I guess I took this to be a relatively lighthearted thread.... Perhaps my advice should have been more considered.

But I'll tell you one thing - no way could I have left one of my babies for 5 days at 9 months. I probably would have brought it up sooner with my employer but if for whatever reason I hadn't, I would do anything not to go. Even if that meant pulling a sickie.

That's how strongly I feel about it. And I'm the kind of employee who will do anything to avoid taking a sick day normally.

So I have huge sympathy with the OP.

froken · 21/09/2013 22:01

I dont advocate short notice dropping out of work commitments as a king term solution but to miss this one trip I don't think is too bad if you have been a dedicated employee previously.

I know I am lucky to get parental leave. My previous job had very antisocial hours so I am retraining so I can work in a 9-5 job.

If my gp was at home with a child who needed them then that is where they should be.

Tasmania · 21/09/2013 22:42

froken / oohdaddypig

Who is going to pay for the expenses occurred just because the OP wants to pull a sickie? Such trips cost thousands of pounds!!!

Seriously - you guys are not making any sense...

A 9 month old baby can be left with OTHER people who can look after them. I am guessing the baby has a dad??? If you as a mum can stay alone at home with the baby... why is the dad not good enough to stay at home with the baby?? So what, it's the prerogative of the mother?

You may not want to leave your little baby at home - most mothers would not want to. HOWEVER, it is mainly for the benefit of you to do so. Not necessarily the baby's.

Original poster

Undergarment · 21/09/2013 22:50

Thanks to all who replied. ooh is right, it was a light-hearted post (despite very real fears) but has provoked interesting debate. I am going, of course, will miss the little man massively and am hoping I don't have to do any more trips without him until he's at least 18 older.

OP posts:

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