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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to inflict a small non-serious injury on myself so I don't have to fly..

74 replies

Undergarment · 21/09/2013 14:37

...got to go on first work trip abroad since giving birth to my DS. Due to fly tomorrow and I can't bear the idea of leaving him to fly half way around the world for 5 days. Hate the idea of being so far away from him (he's 9 months old so not tiny and will be well cared for by DP and DGPs)/terrified of flying.....in a complete state about it. Work will go ballistic if I drop out now (work with young blokes who won't understand at all). Keep wondering if there is a non serious but non-fly able injury/affliction I could get between now and tomorrow. Apparently you can't fly with conjunctivitis but that's a bit tricky to give yourself! What else?

OP posts:

oohdaddypig · 21/09/2013 15:42

I think you are being heavy handed with OP.

I'm a working mum and I've never pulled a sickie. It's the blokes I work with who are more likely to. But neither have I been asked to leave my young kids overnight, even once. I conduct meetings by video conferencing etc.

Depends also on the type of business - is it training etc in which case it's even less necessary.

MimiSunshine · 21/09/2013 15:46

Go, you have to. Presumably you took the job / returned to work knowing this was part of the role? It can't have been sprung on you at the end of last week so you must have known about it for a while, and while I appreciate you may have thought it would be fine but now its here its not. But it's too late to pull out (bar a real emergency / severe illness) now.

And to those posters saying the employers shouldn't expect a mum to go, are you for real? It's not the employers job to discriminate in that way. They advertise a role, make the requirements clear and whomever applies takes personal responsibility for being able to fulfil all aspects of it should they get it. It's an employer / employee not parent / child relationship.

I have to travel (states / Asia pacific) with my job and while its not an issue yet, I have thought worried about what it'll be like when we have children, but I'll just have to get on with it, I'm sure it'll be difficult but I took the job knowing this

Mojavewonderer · 21/09/2013 15:51

I totally feel for you op as I hate flying and I miss my children terribly when they visit their dad.
I think you may just have to bite the bullet and ring your boss and tell the truth if you really can't face it. What if you lie and they just reschedule it for another time, you'll have to think of something else then and it could go on and on.

nulgirl · 21/09/2013 15:52

Its seriously bad form to back out of a trip the day before unless you are at death's door. I know you don't want to go but 5 days is not long and your dc will be taken well care of.

Longer term if you don't want a job which involved travelling then you should look for another role or employer but you really shouldn't fake a sickie this time. 5 days will go past really quickly and i think you will really regret the bad feeling and lack of trust it would generate if you pull out now

Tasmania · 21/09/2013 15:52

Mojavewanderer

It's too late for that. OP's flight is tomorrow. How do you think her boss would react to that?!?

oohdaddypig · 21/09/2013 15:56

Mimi - the problem is that once kids come along, bar the odd night or two, you really really don't want to be away. Sometimes that might mean a change in roll but I think it's very difficult to have a job that requires a lot of travel with young kids. Or you get a good nanny but personally I do not want someone else bringing up my kids. I'm not trying to be patronising but you might find your perspective changes when you have a family.

Anyway sorry OP - hope you make the decision that's best for you and your family.

froken · 21/09/2013 15:56

I would say you have a stomach virus.

I don't think yabu to not want to leave your 9 month old baby. My ds is 9 months old and I am worried about leaving him for a couple of hours next week.

If I were in this situation I would fake an illness. My priority is my role as a mother and I have never ever had a day off unless I physically couldn't drag myself out of bed, I have also never had a day off due to a hangover ( which in the industry I work in happens lots) I think it is wrong to let work down but I also think it is wrong to leave a baby (if you don't want to) and I think leaving the baby is the bigger "wrong"

Maybe you should reconsider your job, will you be expected to travel again? If so could you change roles? Would it be possible to apply for new positions?

I took my ds back to the UK a couple of weeks ago because I needed to attend a close family member's funeral. Dp couldn't get the time off work so me and ds went alone. We were gone for 8 days and when we came back dp had to work really hard to get ds to trus him again. It was so sad to see ds wary around dp who he was previously very happy with :( I wouldn't risk that happening again unless it was an emergency.

nulgirl · 21/09/2013 15:57

And attitudes like some shown here saying that mums shouldn't be expected to be away from their kids contribute to the issues and discrimination that all women face in the workplace. I travel every fortnight with work and I do miss my kids but this is what I signed up for. Saying that mums should be treated differently means that employers will be less likely to employ us in these roles.

oohdaddypig · 21/09/2013 16:01

Nulgirl - I have sympathy with the problem that better employment rights for parents mean we are less employable. But at the end of the day, we are different. We are females who carry and produce babies and feed them, often for 12 months and longer. I don't think it's unreasonable for employers to make "reasonable" adjustments.

teenagetantrums · 21/09/2013 16:03

its just wrong of you to agree to go and then not go, your baby will be fine you said so yourself. Babies do not need their mums to be with them 24/7 if they did no woman would work at all.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/09/2013 16:19

Employers are not mind readers. If the OP needed to renegotiate her duties she should have done it before the trip was arranged. Making up a lie the night before is seriously bad form.

ll31 · 21/09/2013 16:26

Yabvu,time to opt out of travel is not night bbefore.

Tasmania · 21/09/2013 16:27

froken

Seriously? Leaving a 9-month old baby is the bigger "wrong"?!?!

It's not like the OP is living the baby out on the streets. Her DH and GPs will be there for the child, too.

Is the father not meant to raise a child, too?!? If the woman is capable of being alone with the child - then why not the father?!?

Shapechanger · 21/09/2013 16:31

What nulgirl said.

froken if your ds is nine months then it's his age that makes him shy away from your husband, not the fact that you took him away. It's a developmental stage, not some psychological scar inflicted on him. 9mo are clingy to their mums and he will grow out of it.

OP you are not up to your job if you are considering doing this. You need to bow out and find another one, for your employers' sake and your own.

I know, why don't you say 'the dog ate my passport'?

Secretswitch · 21/09/2013 16:31

I empathise with you,OP. I have three children and hate flying. I know you would rather be at home with your baby. You stated yourself that your child would be in excellent care. Unfortunately, you left yourself no wriggle time. Your choices are to do the honourable thing and go as planned, ring your superior and honestly explain your reasons for not completing your duties or being deceitful and hoping you don't get caught out.

You might want to reconsider your employment if traveling is an on going requirement. Best of luck.

Phineyj · 21/09/2013 16:35

Unless you really are ill, you have to go. You can resign when you get back. I would be v. irritated if someone I employed or a colleague did this. Are you really the only parent ever expected to travel in your company? I am the mum of a 9 month baby by the way. It is fine to leave a DC with other adults who love them - good for everyone.

Trapper · 21/09/2013 16:48

I doubt the reason your colleagues won't understand has anything to do with them being male and young. It has everything to do with you pulling out at the last minute when there is no emergency.

FeetUpUntilChristmas · 21/09/2013 16:50

YABU if you have not approached your employer prior to today to say that you don't want to go on this trip. If you have been part of the planning or gone along with the details, how would your employer know that there was any problem. Plenty of 9 month old children are left with 1 parent whilst the other goes away on business.

Preciousbane · 21/09/2013 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlapJackFlossie · 21/09/2013 16:57

And women have spent years moaning about the 'glass ceiling'. Now we know why it exists, OP

timidviper · 21/09/2013 16:59

I think in you should bear in mind that you are lying to the GP, lying to your employer, letting your colleagues down and letting your employer down at such short notice that they cannot arrange a stand-in, change travel arrangements, etc.

I understand you not wanting to go, I would have been panicky too but I do think the decent thing now is to get on with it

thebody · 21/09/2013 17:07

I think it would be dreadful to lie like this. as for the posters saying mothers shouldn't be expected to 'leave their children' just wonder what planet you are on.

if you choose to be a sahm and enjoy the time with your baby then great don't whinge about not earning the dosh but similarly if you take the wage and enjoy the perks of working then don't whinge at leaving the baby.

very unprofessional to let your colleagues and boss down at the last minute and I wouldn't be impressed with you if I were them.

WorraLiberty · 21/09/2013 17:15

I agree with thebody

I can't believe the people on here, encouraging the OP to lie and let everyone down.

froken · 21/09/2013 17:25

*froken

Seriously? Leaving a 9-month old baby is the bigger "wrong"?!?!

It's not like the OP is living the baby out on the streets. Her DH and GPs will be there for the child, too.

Is the father not meant to raise a child, too?!? If the woman is capable of being alone with the child - then why not the father?!?*

I really do feel that leaving a 9 month old if you don't want to is wrong, you can't explane to a 9 month old that mummy is going away for 5 days but she will come home and she needs to go away to make money so the family can eat/have a house to live in.

I personally would find it easier to leave a small baby (>6 months) as I don't think they would miss the absent parent so much.

Yes fathers can look after children, my dp will be taking 9 months paternity leave after Christmas, the same as me (the time between now and Christmas we will share looking after ds whilst both working/studying) but the mother does grow (and if breastfeeding nurish) the child and I feel that creates a special bond between mother and baby when the baby is still so young.

I believe that if a woman feels it is wrong to leave her baby then it is wrong. I think if a woman feels it is fine to leave her baby then that is also fine but the op said she doesn't want to leave her baby.

OneStepCloser · 21/09/2013 17:35

I agree with FlapJackFlossie.

However, I think you just sound nervous, you need to go this time because it will happen again. Even if your dc are 12 months old you'll have the same feelings, do it once and it won't seem so bad, you might even enjoy it. If you really can't do it, then the jobs not for you.

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