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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or should I just accept DH and I parent differently?

36 replies

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 10:51

I'm a SAHM, DH works long hours Mon-Fri. At weekends we take it in turns to have a lie in.

On my lie in days I will invariably come downstairs to find bored children in front of the television, DH in the background playing games on his ipad. My oldest DD (5yo) will be getting quite irritating and naughty because she is trying to get his attention and not succeeding. He will then snap and tell her off / shout at her.

He will feed them and change nappies but not get them dressed or clear up the breakfast things. Actually this wouldn't bother me in the slightest if he was actually playing or engaging with them in some way.

Right now I'm in the kitchen cuddling the baby while I eat breakfast and I'm listening to him saying "get off" again and again while DD is trying to get him to play. It makes me feel really for her.

I've been told on here before that I am too controlling and DH can choose to parent however he likes. I accepted that viewpoint but I still feel so sad for my lovely DD who just wants her dad, who she hardly sees during the week, to play with her at the weekends.

Should I continue to keep quiet about this?

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/09/2013 10:53

Well you can accept that you parent differently, but that also involves accepting that he parents badly and grudgingly and as though he is doing you a favour and doesn't need to do it properly.

Maybe some people would be OK with that from a husband, I know I wouldn't.

The next time he has a lie in make sure he gets up to a total shitpit and then tell him it's his job to clean it up.

ElleMcFearsome · 21/09/2013 10:54

Obvious question: have you tried talking to him about how you view this and feel about it? What does he say?

Original poster

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 10:58

JoinYourPlayfellows, I don't care about the shit tip, if he would just play with the kids.

Elle, I have talked to him before (he resents my interference) and I have posted on here before but been told I am trying to control or micro manage his parenting.

OP posts:

cherrytomato40 · 21/09/2013 11:02

Is it just mornings or is he always like that?

On weekend mornings I am often guilty of sticking the tv on and then curling up on the sofa with a cup of tea and mumsnet while the kids watch scooby doo... I do actually play with them and do stuff once we are all up and dressed, but I am NOT a morning person and however lovely my DDs are I don't want to play barbies for the umpteenth time at 7am saturday morning...

Original poster

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 11:03

He says he does play with them, but what this usually means is an occasional bit of rough housing / tickling inbetween his games on the ipad. (He never sits down to play with toys, play a game etc.)

DD then tries to engage him into play by tickling, jumping on him etc (because that's how DH plays) and he gets annoyed with her.

OP posts:

sarahtigh · 21/09/2013 11:03

I think it depends on whether this is just the morning or whether this carries on all weekend if he is just on ipad, with them watching TV for a few hours early saturday, I'd say just leave it, provided he plays with DD /DS later

if he works really hard long hours he is allowed downtime just messing about at weekends provided you get chance to do the same

I get up early with my DD 3 at weekends and I do not do playing before 9-10am before then its breakfast and cbeebies while I read the paper, I might tell her to get off too if she jumped on my paper, we do fun stuff later but I do not spend all weekend entertaining DD

if it's all weekend YANBU
if it is just till 10am saturday YABU

JoinYourPlayfellows · 21/09/2013 11:04

But the shit tip and the ignoring of the kids are both part of the same attitude - he's not really in charge, he's just holding the fort until you get up and get back to what you should really be doing.

Original poster

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 11:05

Cherrytomato no it's not just weekend mornings. He doesn't really do stuff with them unless I've instigated it.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 21/09/2013 11:05

it sounds like he finds his daughter irritating not in a bad way but he doesn't know what to do with her, does he play with her at all ? me and DH parent differently but as long as you are both on the same page then thats ok you are not on the same page, I don't think you should accept him telling her off all the time but I do think you need to speak to him about it, saying that children should be able to play alone and not need constant attention, is he grumpy and lazy all the time or just sometimes

pictish · 21/09/2013 11:07

I think it's fine for him to leave them to the tv and their toys while he slobs out. That's what weekends are for. I am currently in my pjs slurping coffee and I haven't tidied up yet.

It is not fine for him to be snappy and shouty at the kids. That's unacceptable. He's a bad tempered git...how horrible.

SaucyJack · 21/09/2013 11:10

I don't think lazy weekend mornings are a problem in themselves in the slightest. We're all sat here in PJs on various TVs/craptops/consoles.

If he's never nice to them tho, then that's something else and that is a problem.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/09/2013 11:11

Hide the iPad.

PieceOfTheMoon · 21/09/2013 11:12

I would be really disappointed by his parenting and I think you need to find a way to discuss it before resentment really takes hold.

Maybe he feels he needs some wind down time after a week at work (as I'm sure you do after a week at home!). Maybe swapping lie in days could work, he might feel he has more of himself to give after having Saturday off?

It is a really difficult conversation to have, no one wants to hear that they're being a bit of a crap lazy parent, especially if it's true!

For what it's worth I think it's ok to have crap and lazy moments if you need to sometimes, but sounds like this is all the time and that's just not good enough (IMHO)

PieceOfTheMoon · 21/09/2013 11:17

If he doesn't know how to play, could he play some games on the iPad with her? Or get some Lego to build together?

There's a book called playful parenting which has lots of good ideas for interacting with kids of all ages

Original poster

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 11:20

Yes, I definitely take on your points about lazy weekend mornings. I agree withthat totally.

What bothers me is how bored the DC are - this morning when I arrived downstairs, they practically threw themselves at me. When DH ignores our 5yo DD's obvious pleas for attention (remember she hardly sees him during the week) I just feel so sad for her.

And he is like this all the time, even on holiday. His default position is to please himself and see to his own needs. He really does not ever sit down to play with them. Nor does he ever suggest activities or outings for the family. He will (grudgingly at times) go along with my suggestions but if left to his own devices he just pleases himself, whilst keeping the children safe (just about - the baby had transferred all the dog biscuits into the dog's water bowl this morning and he hadn't noticed )

OP posts:

marriedinwhiteisback · 21/09/2013 11:20

I'm wondering if anyone played with him as a child OP. Parenting is learnt from parents often. My DH never thinks to buy me a bunch of flowers on the way home - because he never saw his father do it.

Fairylea · 21/09/2013 11:21

I think at 5 it is fine to leave the oldest one to her own devices a little. She shouldn't need to jump all over her dad or need playing games with first thing in the morning.... some breakfast, tv and playing on her own with toys etc is fine (at least that's my own opinion, I have a dd aged 10 and a ds aged 15 months).

However, how old is your youngest child? You mention nappies so I'm assuming quite young? Not okay to be glued to an iPad if they are a baby or toddler, they need supervision.

Also agree with others who say it's ok if it's just the morning but not ok if continues like this all weekend.

Nevercan · 21/09/2013 11:22

Can't you persuade him to take them out for the morning for an hour or so to the park or something

mrsjay · 21/09/2013 11:24

he sounds quite lazy and selfish tbh I know thats harsh we all need to please ourselves sometimes but he is pleasing himself all the time and YOU ALL need to fit in with his moods and his wants, pfft to that

SaucyJack · 21/09/2013 11:25

Ah. Well the issue then isn't that you parent differently, rather that he doesn't parent at all.

It isn't good enough, but I have no idea what can be done

Original poster

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 11:25

Youngest is 18months.

Taking them to the park would involve getting everyone dressed and ready to go out - including him, and he takes at least 30 minutes getting himself showered and dressed. Meantime I would be looking after DC and not getting my lie in!

OP posts:

Dilidali · 21/09/2013 11:26

Put a game on the table the night before and make a big deal about it, how special it is that daddy and DD1 will play together.
Suggest a game of 'lets get dressed with our eyes shut' between them two.
Make some pancake batter and leave jn the fridge the night before, so they can make them in the morning, say daddy has a magic trick in flipping them.
Hide the friggin ipad under your side of the bed and look all innocent. Or the charger.

I am not speaking from experience here. Both mine (father and daughter) take on average 45 mins before they can open their mouths in the morning, it's like they're complete zombies, both would open and shut the fridge repeatedly without actually taking anything out of it , their minds just don't work in the mornings.

pictish · 21/09/2013 11:27

Other points to make....I don't 'play' with my kids that often. Unfortunately I'm a bit shit with that, and would rather poke pins in my eyes. If my dh expected to rise from a lie in to find me blissfully building a lego fort, and then got arsey because I wasn't, I'd be pissed off with him.

I also wouldn't appreciate any of the kids jumping on me to get my attention. I'd bloody well tell them not to, and if they continued I'd get angry and would most likely snap at them. You don't want to be ripped from your thoughts by a knee in the groin and an elbow in the ribs do you? I hate being jumped on!

The problem isn't that he needs a book to teach him how to play at lego God almighty - it's that he needs to not be a prick about saying no thanks.
Giving your spouse a lie in isn't an hour of sniping at them till they get up and take over. Ill mannered twat.

mrsjay · 21/09/2013 11:28

and just because you are a SAHM his needs do not trump yours Just because you are a SAHM you do not need to be chief child carer and entertainer,

Original poster

FlatsInDagenham · 21/09/2013 11:28

He does parent - in the evenings he does bath and bedtime (it's the only time he gets with them during the week). But he doesn't play with them and he is very snappy with the 5yo.

OP posts:

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