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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is not me being negative?

29 replies

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 09:24

Supposed to be going out on a trip today, the thing we are doing happens on the hour.

Me. They go on the hour every hour from 11am
DH. Let's aim for 12 or 1 then
Me. let's aim for 12
DH. 12 or 1

There then follows a brief discussion of me saying 'well 12, let's aim for 12'
And DH saying '12 or 1' which he says is basically the same thing but I was being negative. 'ok' I say, '12 or 1 then' When I suggest to him that if they are the same thing then me saying 12 is not an issue at all and I can't understand why he would think my response was a negative one unless perhaps he really wants to go at one but then why not say so in the first place?

He tells me I am negative a lot. I can't seem to respond to anything he says without him saying I am bing negative and frankly it's getting on my tits now.

AIBU to find this really upsetting as it feels like any response I give to anything is going to be considered negative but I definitely don't want to be in a position where I just respond 'yes' to everything.

OP posts:

CuppaSarah · 21/09/2013 09:27

Surely if you're aiming for 12 and he's aiming for that or later, then he's the one being negative? YANBU you're being more definite and specific than him. He's being all ambiguous so I would say he's the negative one here.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/09/2013 09:27

I don't see how that's negative unless I'm being very dim.

Does he say 'negative' when he means 'anything he doesn't agree with'? I'd find it incredibly irritating.

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/09/2013 09:28

I'd be negative too if he was suggesting that actually we'd be going later but I'm anal like that & hate people who faff about and can't just get there at the decided time

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/09/2013 09:29

Is he just basically trying to stop you pulling it up or disagreeing? I'd be more than negative with him if he was

Floralnomad · 21/09/2013 09:30

Definitely not what I would call negative . Agree he sounds very annoying and if what you are doing is anything to do with children and trains I'd tell him to take them on his own and stay at home .

CailinDana · 21/09/2013 09:30

What do you think is his motivation for saying you are "negative"?

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 09:31

It all sounds so petty and it just makes things difficult. I don't like being told I'm negative particularly because I have realised recently that I really am not negative.

I do like to have a plan though, maybe I need to be more flexible. Though the above exchange was just ridiculous .

OP posts:

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 09:35

I don't know. I think it suits him to call me the negative one or something. I just want to go out and have a nice day without all this kind of petty shit souring the day.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 09:36

Anyway. Thank you. I knew I wasn't being negative and it's nice to hear it. Going to get ready for the day out now.

OP posts:

CuppaSarah · 21/09/2013 09:36

You can both compromise a little bit surely? Explain to him you aren't being negative you just like to have a more concrete plan in place and that could you both pick one of the two trains to aim for. But that you won't mind if it you end up getting the other. There's nothing wrong with either of your approaches, he just might me a little sensitive and taking it out in a bit of a daft way.

Bearbehind · 21/09/2013 09:49

It all just sounds mmensely tedious and tiring to me. You'll end up having to go for the 1pm option if it takes so long to discuss something so simple.

I don't think you were being negative at all, I just couldn't be arsed to have such pointless conversations.

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 09:49

I am pretty easy, I don't mind which one we get but I just find it odd that me suggesting one over the other is seen as negative. I guess I could have just said 'yeah, twelve or one' as we don't have to be there at a certain time. I just find it annoying that given a choice of twelve or one, me choosing twelve was a negative thing to do. From his point of view I suppose he thought I was imposing a time on it rather than being free and easy butit wasn't a negative move on my part, it was just a response to what I thought were possible options.

OP posts:

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved · 21/09/2013 09:57

Have you asked him why he keeps calling you negative? And told him how it makes you feel to be repeatedly given this label?

As I said before, would wind me up alot!

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 10:06

Basically I wrote this conversation down here right after it happened because these little exchanges happen all the time where I say something and he reacts as if I have done or said something really negative. I struggle to remember what exactly happened because they are so so petty but I know it happens frequently.

We went through a stage where we really weren't operating well as a couple after we had our child but I feel it has got a lot better over the last few months and I am enjoying our relationship a lot more. However I feel like I have been stuck with this label as the negative one and that it's unfair. I did go through some months where I was quite horrible to live with, I took on board the fact that my DH was upset by my behaviour and I made some changes. I have learned how to not let some of the stuff that upsets me, bother me.

We do talk about or issues and I think we manage to sort them out quite well but only after a lot of discussion.

I just want to be recognised as a more positive person than DH thinks I am. I wake upon the morning and am always happy, always up for the day, always planning stuff for us to do with our son. I'm not perfect but I KNOW I am not a negative person and definitely little exchanges like the one in my OP don't make me so.

Sigh.

Sorry for the rant, I probably should have namechanged. I am just desperate to throw off this label.

OP posts:

meganorks · 21/09/2013 10:12

You both sound you are being very petty as opposed to negative. When he said 'lets aim for 12 or 1' you could have just agreed. So maybe he getting annoyed with you having to have the last word. I can see how this would be annoying if you do it with everything.

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 10:15

Yes but, if me responding to someone in a simple conversation about times is 'getting the last word' doesn't that just mean I should say yes to everything or nothing at all. It feels like I have to watch what I say (if anything) in every conversation lest I be accused of giving a negative response.

But yes, I could have said 'yeah twelve or one'.

I wish I had now, it would have been easier.

OP posts:

FastWindow · 21/09/2013 10:16

This is a weird one. My DH is a bit like this. Randomly congratulates me on being positive ('it suits you ') which perversely REALLY fucks me off and bye bye, normal, reasonable mood! But have to grit teeth and go' mm hmm' or I've just proved him wrong... Iykwim?

Totally agree with the PP who suggested ' negative' = ' stuff I don't want to hear/ don't agree with'

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 10:16

Or he could have said 'I prefer one' or 'let's leave it flexible' instead of calling me negative for choosing a time.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 21/09/2013 10:18

I tell you what is negative... Dwelling on it. I'm off to clean the kitchen and then go out. Thanks all.

OP posts:

diddl · 21/09/2013 10:20

Sounds as if he wants the final word!

Why would anyone aim for an hr later than possible-that's a waste of time imo-making him negative!

Have you got time to aim for the 11??
preferably without him

SaucyJack · 21/09/2013 10:21

I don't think negative is the right word, but peole who must over plan and discuss every. last. single. bloody. detail can be very tiring.

I'm more of a '12 or 1' type person. Nothing wrong with going with the flow of a weekend.

diddl · 21/09/2013 10:25

But how do you aim for "12 or 1"?

Surely it's ok to aim for 12 & if you miss it the 1 is still there?

Or decide to aim for the 1?

But how do you aim for both?

OP would prefer 12-why can't her husband say yes or no??

YouTheCat · 21/09/2013 10:27

Doesn't sound negative.

My ex used to tell me I was being immature a lot. It was one of ways of controlling. So if I disagreed he'd say I was immature and I'd cave and he'd get his own way.

Duelling, he sounds like he wants you to say yes all the time. The only person I see being negative is him tbh.

meganorks · 21/09/2013 10:29

Well it was an over reaction by him. But if you say this happens often seems like he is waiting for it. Could it be that for whatever reason he had got to a stage where whatever you say annoys him? Not sure the solution. I have only got like this with people who aren't my partner so would just try and leave the room it avoid them all together. Obviously this wouldn't work!

SaucyJack · 21/09/2013 10:32

You don't aim for either.

If you're ready to go at 11.30, then you get the 12. If you're still sitting in your jim jams on the sofa..... then you get the 1pm.

I take it you and the OP are type As?

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