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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be solely responsible for making dp's birthday 'unforgettable''?

48 replies

Beavie · 21/09/2013 08:43

Last night dp took me and dd out for a meal, and on the way home he started going on about his 40th birthday, which is next August. He was saying that I had to do something for him to make his birthday 'unforgettable'. I pointed out that this was going to be very difficult as I am going to be skinter than skint as I am doing an access course this year and expecting a baby at the end of may, so my opportunities to make money between now and then are going to be limited to say the least. He said that I should start putting money aside every week, at which point I laughed and said that the limited funds I have over the next year are going to need to be spent on my kids, not him (my 2 dc are not his, though I am pg with his baby).

He then changed his tune and said its not all about materialistic things (note contradiction with saying I need to 'put money aside' above). Ok, I said, give me some examples of things I can do to make your birthday 'unforgettable', with no money and a two month old baby stuck to my boob. He looked flustered and eventually said 'make me breakfast in bed or go for a nice walk'. Right, ok because that would be really unforgettable and I'm sure he would be happy with that :/

Thinking about it, all the people I know who have turned 40 chose what they wanted to wanted to do for their birthday themselves, and their partner supported them in that, is that not how it works? I got called 'selfish', me and dp did not speak to each other all night and he slept downstairs. AIBU to think that the whole onus should not be on me to sort out dp's 40th, especially when I will have a newborn to deal with?

OP posts:

Gruffalump · 21/09/2013 08:48

Sounds like he needs a big cup of grow the fuck up!

Great job on sticking to your guns op. :)

Pagwatch · 21/09/2013 08:48

I think you are talking at cross purposes.
He was being a bit of a dick but if you sounded in real life as you do on here, your tone was a bit 'I don't give a shit about you'

Perhaps you could just be a bit nicer to each other. Does he have family. Could you see if someone could host a small get together for him?

eosmum · 21/09/2013 08:52

Definitely not all for you to do. But you can do small bits, a photo book with his baby pictures etc. I also got DH 40 small pressies, including sweets from when he was little, all packets wrapped individually of course, a cd with all the Number 1s on his birthday each year. If you start now it and have most of it planned before the baby it could be a memorable birthday for him.

microserf · 21/09/2013 08:54

He did sound like a bit of an arse but I think Pagwatch might have hit the nail on the head here.

I like the idea of a photo book. Could you quietly reach out to family and friends to make something like that? It would show he means something to you and I think he'd appreciate it.

calmingtea · 21/09/2013 08:59

Delegate. Call his BFF or sibling and suggest they take over because you will be holding a baby. And then tell your DP that umm.... unforgettable birthday= giving him a baby??

He does sound like a big baby with boundary issues (i.e. trampling all over yours and then having a hissy fit), but perhaps he is subconsciously thinking that he won't matter when baby comes? Oh and if it were me, I would put down a very strong message about his picking a fight with me and sleeping downstairs - get yourself out of the house for the day with the kids and away from him!

NutcrackerFairy · 21/09/2013 09:03

I also think that Pagwatch has it right.

Your DP sounds a little insecure, maybe he just needs some reassurance that he and his needs will still be important to you once you both have a baby?

It doesn't sound as if he necessarily wants you to spend a fortune on his 40th... but rather that you are thinking about it and want to help make it special for him.

You already have two children but this is your DPs first baby. It is a huge transition in a couple's life to have children together. Not only does your DP have a new baby to contend with but also the realisation that your other two children are your priority [as they should be].

But this might leave him wondering where he fits in to your priorities?

Give him a hug and reassure your DP that he is important and that you will do everything you reasonably can to try and make his birthday special.

Could it be that he is also feeling a bit wobbly about turning 40? I know I did... that in itself is a big life stage ime, let alone becoming a dad for the first time. Cut the guy some slack, especially if he is perhaps acting abit out of character and isn't always a bit me me me.

Good luck OP!

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 21/09/2013 09:05

Sorry did you mistype and mean to say 4th birthday?

tethersend · 21/09/2013 09:08

Have it off with his dad?

That would be pretty unforgettable

daisychain01 · 21/09/2013 09:14

Diddums if he needs an unforgettable birthday to feel more secure.

Sounds like there is a big burden of expectation on you OP when you have a lot on your plate.

He needs to get into the RW and grow up.

Doesnt mean to say you cant give him reassurance, but doing a birthday event for that purpose is treating him like a 5 year old!

LordElpuss · 21/09/2013 09:17

I don't understand why adults feel the need to make a fuss of significant birthdays. It's cringeworthy.

pianodoodle · 21/09/2013 09:18

I really don't get grown-ups being so precious about their own birthdays

Obviously you expect it to be acknowledged by your partner and family but demanding to be spoiled just seems a bit odd, especially when there are other more important things going on!

pianodoodle · 21/09/2013 09:21

I know someone else thought your response was a bit harsh but mine would have been "sure, what's your favourite tellytubby so I can put it on the invites"

BootleBumtrinket1 · 21/09/2013 09:27

Tethers
That really made me laugh!

EATmum · 21/09/2013 09:30

I wonder if he wanted you to be excited about his birthday and it came out a bit petulant? For my husband I organised a book of memories from friends and a surprise party in the pub. Nothing cost a great deal, but I wanted him to know we were all thinking of him - esp as he'd lost his DF a couple weeks before his 40th.

Pagwatch · 21/09/2013 09:36

I am always a bit surprised that people can't grasp that for some people birthdays are important/significant.

Not everyone has to feel like that. But being utterly sneery and superior because other people feel differently is so uneccesary.

I never had my birthdays marked when I grew up, never had a proper party. It is lovely for me that my DH makes a fuss and vice versa.

By all means feel differently but it's not precious or childish - its just different.

kinkyfuckery · 21/09/2013 09:39

You're giving him a child, surely that's the unforgettable!

If not, set fire to him, he wouldn't forget that in a hurry

MimiSunshine · 21/09/2013 09:41

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want a bit of fuss on his 40th. Clearly some people feel differently but that doesn't mean all adults have to follow suit.

So telling you that you need to make it unforgettable was probably a bit much, but it sounds like a clumsy attempt to bring the subject up to me, however I think your response was a bit mean.
From what you've written it was all about you and your life changing events and sorry to say but you made it seem like he (as a person not just his birthday) wasn't featuring anywhere high up on your list of priorities.
Couldn't your response have been, "ok is there anything you'd really like to have / do?" And then had the money (or lack of) conversation?

My bf suggested going away for my significant birthday nearly a year beforehand. I was so touched that he'd already started to think about and that alone was worth more than any present. We made plans, we set a budget and chose a destination, but we both paid for it, it was t his 'present to me' it was just us celebrating a milestone together.

upthedamnwotsit · 21/09/2013 09:43

It's not wrong to want a celebration, but saying you could put money aside every week from now is rather ridiculous. 11 months of saving for his big bash when you'll have newborn expenses is unrealistic. What exactly was he calling selfish in this situation?

Famzilla · 21/09/2013 09:43

I cringed when I read the title of this thread, just had this imagine of a grown man whining that he wanted to feel speshul.

However I would have just laughed it off and said something like "yes dear, I'll ensure I wake you up with a nice Dutch oven" or something equally juvenile.

DoJo · 21/09/2013 09:44

I can understand him wanting to do something special, but it sounds as though when he brought it up, you only saw obstacles. It doesn't sound like he's expecting you to whip up a trip to New York or anything, but planning something special on a budget does need more time and consideration than if you have the funds to do something extravagant.

As an aside, I've never understood why people on here are so po faced about celebrating birthdays - surely any excuse to have a good time and celebrate life is a good thing isn't it? Why does it always end in a 'who can have the most understated birthday' competition?

upthedamnwotsit · 21/09/2013 09:44

He does sound like he got a bit silly about it all and expressed himself badly. Maybe he'll explain what he wants a bit better today?

rosy71 · 21/09/2013 09:46

Perhaps he doesn't realise what it'll be like with a small baby?

It doesn't have to be something costing a fortune. For my 40th I just went out for a meal with family. (I wanted to go to Paris but I'm still waiting for that...) For dp's 40th I booked a cottage in Wales for the weekend. In the event, something happened which prevented us going (and the weather was atrocious that weekend) so we rebooked for a few months later. Perhaps you could do something when the baby's older?

ladymariner · 21/09/2013 09:47

I agree Pagwatch.

When it was my dh's 40th I organised a surprise party for him at home, it wasn't massive, just close friends and family but it was one of the best nights we've ever had. It didn't cost a fortune but I did buy bits each week, the banners, balloons, etc and save up for the food. Didn't want to just buy it out of the account as he would then have seen it on the statement and it would have spoiled the surprise.
I got a couple of his mates to take him golfing in the afternoon then they had a couple of pints to keep him out of the way so by the time they got him home everyone was here, we'd decorated the house and we were good to go. I'd made a photo board of him from when he was a baby up to present day, we played daft games, there were some of his family there who live away so that was a nice surprise for him, think we finished about 4am.
It was a great night, and dh loved that he people he cared about were all there to celebrate with him, and it didn't cost much to do either! Result x

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 21/09/2013 09:54

Pag don't have an issue with making a fuss for birthdays, but really you dont think his comments are over the top? He think she should start planning now and put money aside even though tgeir first baby together will arrive before his birthday? Shouldn't that be tge priority right now?

WipsGlitter · 21/09/2013 10:00

I agree Pag. Plus it's really depressing to organise your own party. Bit of give and take needed here. Plus if its his first child he won't know what it will be like I those early weeks.

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