To not want to be solely responsible for making dp's birthday 'unforgettable''?

[Beavie]

Last night dp took me and dd out for a meal, and on the way home he started going on about his 40th birthday, which is next August. He was saying that I had to do something for him to make his birthday 'unforgettable'. I pointed out that this was going to be very difficult as I am going to be skinter than skint as I am doing an access course this year and expecting a baby at the end of may, so my opportunities to make money between now and then are going to be limited to say the least. He said that I should start putting money aside every week, at which point I laughed and said that the limited funds I have over the next year are going to need to be spent on my kids, not him (my 2 dc are not his, though I am pg with his baby).

He then changed his tune and said its not all about materialistic things (note contradiction with saying I need to 'put money aside' above). Ok, I said, give me some examples of things I can do to make your birthday 'unforgettable', with no money and a two month old baby stuck to my boob. He looked flustered and eventually said 'make me breakfast in bed or go for a nice walk'. Right, ok because that would be really unforgettable and I'm sure he would be happy with that :/

Thinking about it, all the people I know who have turned 40 chose what they wanted to wanted to do for their birthday themselves, and their partner supported them in that, is that not how it works? I got called 'selfish', me and dp did not speak to each other all night and he slept downstairs. AIBU to think that the whole onus should not be on me to sort out dp's 40th, especially when I will have a newborn to deal with?

Pag - don't accuse people of being "utterly sneery" or "superior" because we they don't understand why an adult would want a huge fuss made of them for their birthdays. Like you, my childhood birthdays were low key and that's how I prefer my adult birthdays- though DD has different ideas about her birthday

Each to their own but I do cringe when people expect their turning 30/40/50 whatever to be a Big Event which required A Lot of Fuss.

Paggy is spot on.

I'm really not a birthday/milestone person but I do relent for the big ones. I think your dh was cack-handedly trying to tell you that it's important to him. He's clearly got him self excited and set himself certain expectations.

Without wanting to sound twee, it's how he's decided that he'll get to see how much people love/care about him. I remember seeing something on the relationship boards about how people express their love in one or a combination of ways - deeds, time, gifts, physically (I think I forgot one?) - problems come when two people place importance on different things.

It's not unusual for people to pour all that expectation into particular special dates, you could find a million threads on here from disappointed people on their birthdays. Log on for mothers day and it's absolute carnage!

I think you've had some really good low-cost, low-effort suggestions on here and I may be soft, but I really think it's about knowing people care and for you to not take note of that would be quite sad for him. Rational, grown-up it is not, but we all have emotions like that and one asking to be made a fuss of for one day isn't terrible.

I'm not speaking from bitter experience or anything, but if you omit to get him anything, you'll never be allowed to forget it, OP

It is sneery though.
If you don't understand that's fine. But I don't say to people who care about cats or their garden or their handbag 'OMG it's so childish/cringeworthy '
It's just different.

I have already said he is being a dick.
But wanting to celebrate a birthday isn't,per se, pathetic

It's ok, we have sorted it out now! Pag and others were right when they said I could have responded better, but I was feeling tired and hormonal last night which didn't help. He's seen this thread and after a big bitch about how mumsnetters are negative sneery witches (or words to that effect) he was actually quite pleased with a lot of the comments.

He already has 3 kids so he knows what newborn babies are like!

I've told him he needs to decide what he wants to do and I will do whatever I can to help him with that. I feel a bit offended that he even felt it necessary to say anything as he knows I always do whatever I can to make birthdays special for my family.

It is a lot more than just "different" to demand an UNFORGETTABLE birthday from your pregnant partner and demand that she put scarce money aside to provide it.

I think "a cup of grow the fuck up" is in order here.

I've never heard anything so completely laughable and ridiculous as a grown man issuing those kinds of childish orders to his partner.

A normal "birthdays are brilliant" person would say "I'd really like to do something cool for my 40th next year, what do you think?"

Not just start issuing orders and delineating (ludicrous) expectations.

I think it is nice to celebrate a big birthday, but it is next August!! Way too early for him to be getting in a hissy fit about it. If it were three weeks to go and no sign of any planning them maybe..

When you get to 50 you realise how insignificant 40 was so don't go all out on something you won't be able to better in 10 years time! And then there's 60 of course...

Good to know you've chatted Beavie

Playfellows I think it depends on whose doing the asking. If it's not someone whose particularly assertive or often just goes along with the majority so isn't used to standing up for something they really want they just might not have the experience/tools to make sure that they come across in a way that isn't bratty. So much disappointment comes from expecting people to be psychic and setting up secret tasks that people ultimately fail. I can't knock the reasoning behind making your preferences and the importance of an occasion (to you) clear.

If he's prone to foot stamping and pouting then I might think differently, but the OP wasn't indicative of this being a regular thing.

I'm so grateful to my DP for hating a big fuss made of his significant birthdays!

Dont get me wrong if someone wants to make a big deal about their own birthday thats great (SIL went to Ibiza with her mates for her 30th for example- all of them would have gone anyway) but expecting everyone else to is a bit unreasonable tbh. especially if that person is your pregnant and skint partner and they will have a newborn baby by the time the birthday rolls round.

Its similar to those that are getting married and behave like the whole world revolves around them and their wedding. Yes it's a big deal to them but other people its just another party really that costs loads of money to go to

I think.uf you have to ask/tell.someone what to do to make a birthday it won't be worth having. It should be from desire to do something special not being told "do ir or else I'll sulk"
There are some lovely ideas on here for 40ths though I am going to nick some. Love the cd idea of number one songs that's great.
OP I think you should do something really silly like hire a Chinese man to shout happy birthday at him 40 times in Mandarin.

Get him doing the night feeds. By the time it gets to July hell be begging for a night alone in a travelodge ;)

Bloody hell dopeysheep - I'd miss out on a lot if I relied on my DP's idea of a treat!

I love him to bits and he does things everyday that melt me when I think about them (mundane crap like going to the shop because there's no milk and I love my coffee, plumping a cushion for me before I sit down, giving my hand a squeeze randomly out in public, chucking me a random wink) but if I don't tell him what I want for bigger things like days out, presents etc. I think my being underwhelmed would upset him as well as me. That's not badness, that's just me accepting the way his head works and doesn't take away from the special-ness of it. The enthusiasm is still there.

He tries, but it's never quite right bless him (eyes up a dodgy pair of thick wool turquoise mittens received one christmas - I catch the bus a lot so can see the logic but )

He does sound a bit petulant but, on the other hand, I've read plenty of threads on here from women who are upset that their partners have not made a fuss of them on their birthdays. The overwhelming response is, 'You've got to tell them [men] what you want.' Isn't he just doing the same? And I'm pretty sure, if the shoe were on the other foot, people would be saying,'It's not as if he didn't know your 40th was coming up. He could have put a little bit of money aside every week -- even a pound and it would all have added up ...'
Tone, I think, is the issue, as Pag says.

People can have an opinion that is different to yours without it being "sneery", Pag. Old friends of ours have sent us to Coventry because we refused to alter a longstanding commitment in order to attend the wife's 40th birthday party. That's pathetic.

Yeah, I know Lord, fair enough.

And being sent to coventry for not attending a party is pathetic.
But everytime time there is a birthday thread a string of posters always turn up with their 'childish' and 'pathetic' and wanky faces.
It's possible to disagree with being superior, especially when it's a tenuous comment in the context of the thread.
It's like me going on every single thread where a poster is having trouble about their wedding and posting
'well, making such a fuss over just one day is incredible self centred '
It's a valid view but it's gratuitous and just a bit.... I want to say sneery but that didn't go down well, did it

If he wants a big party he can organise and pay for it himself. All this adults wanting to make a fuss of their birthdays it's a bit pathetic. A forty year old man sulking because his birthday party isn't being planned a year ahead.

I can't get over a grown man insisting that his partner HAS to do something to make a birthday "unforgettable".

Who thinks they get to make demands like that of people?

It's just bizarre. :o

When you factor in the fact that the person he's making this demand of is pregnant and will have a newborn on this day next year that she has been ordered to make "unforgettable" a picture starts to emerge of an extremely self-obsessed and childish person.

I think tethers had it right with the idea of shagging his Dad.

You should really show him what unforgettable means.

Party and tantie aside, I would be thinking of a present that is affordable and meaningful - you won't be wanting to pull together an awesome gift with a newborn!!

A collage of baby photos (in book or frame), messages/pics from mates around the country/world, family memories of him as a child - even if there was one "classic image" of him, framed with a nice quote/saying/message would be a nice memorable present.

Quite like the birthday messages, if mates are far flung, they can email you a short video or email a typed message that you can print in card or combine into a video (I'm sure there'd be an easy way to do that, but I haven't done it!).

Think about his family & friends, who could get together for a breakfast, lunch or dinner?? Even 6 friends could make a memorable experience.

I am with Pag and with DoJo.

Pag - no, "sneery" didn't go down well but I could have chosen a better word than "cringeworthy"

ho about of of those experience days. Like flying helicopter or if he is into football a tour of the stadium with a friend.

In the evening then do a small buffet and a few bottles of wine and invite close friends and family.