...to think my mum should apologise

[insertwittyusernamehereplease]

Name changed, haven't posted for a while after I was outed....

I will try to keep this incredibly long, confusing story short. My grandad was ill for a long time. It was touch and go as to whether he would make Christmas. I live in nan other country with a good 20 hour plane journey back to my families territory. I have been relying on my mum to keep me updated as to how he is, obviously I have believed everything she has been telling me. She's my mum, I'd have no reason to doubt her.
She messaged me a few weeks ago to tell me to call. I already knew in my heart what had happened, so I called her with a very heave heart. She told me my grandad was going to die that night. She said he had had a huge aneurism, and was not aware of his surroundings. I asked her to tell him I loved him very much, to say goodbye to him. I was heartbroken, and alone at home with my ds while my husband was working his night shift. I posted a status on my Facebook, mentioning that my granddad was slipping into his final sleep and giving a little heartfelt comment. My mum messaged me the following morning demanding I take it down, she was pretty aggressive in her approach. She then told me my grandad wasn't dying, he was in a coma. I was furious and told her so. Messages were exchanged with me maintaining that I thought her behaviour was disgusting. She refused to update me for over a week on how he was, I sent her three messages asking her if he was still alive. I finally got a response on the last one, only her telling me I wasn't allowed to ask her anything because she was angry with me. I told her again that her behaviour was disgusting, she couldn't withhold that kind of information from me and she needed to stop playing sick games. I then got a text off my brother telling me he had cut me off until I had apologized to my mother. Cut to a few days ago, I get a message from my brother coldly stating my grandad was dead and approximate time of death. My mother is still demanding an apology, otherwise she will never speak to me again.

I honestly don't know what to do. I have had no end of issues with her trying to sabotage my relationship with my husband, and she puts a negative spin on everything. She has told me countless lies over the years, usually about anyone I get close to (including friends).

I'm not going to ask any of you to decide who is wrong or right. Just wanted to vent a bit. If any of you ladies could wave a magic wand, I'd be very grateful right now ??

Oh dear. What a mess. It sounds like a series of misunderstandings that everyone has overreacted to, in the stress and grief of the moment.

Firstly, I am very sorry about your Grandad.

Secondly, I think your mum perhaps objected to what she saw as a slightly attention seeking and mawkish fb status, basically announcing that someone was going to die, rather than the more traditional (and perhaps the more sensible and decent) thing of waiting until they had actually died to announce it. Some people are very sensitive about things like that, and I think you have to take some of the blame for it being a bit ill-judged.

No-one can know exactly how long it will take someone to die in those circumstances, and it does seem a bit crass (not to mention embarrassing) having that comment hanging in the air for what could have been weeks, or even months - look at Nelson Mandela! All that fuss, and he's still hanging on.

I doubt she actually lied to you about his condition, maybe something got misconstrued in your interpretation of it? Either way I don't think you did anything awful, and she seems to be overreacting, but I think perhaps you should be the one to say sorry first, even if she is being a bit hysterical about it. Now is not the time for blame and recriminations - you need to be supporting one another.

People deal with grief and impending bereavement in different ways, and your way clearly really upset her. He was her father. Cut her some slack and swallow your pride - your granddad would not want you to fall out over him would he? I bet if you apologise first she will apologise immediately to you too.

^^ this.

Hi,

Appreciate you taking the time to read my little rant. My grandad wasn't her father, I should have actually made that bit obvious in my original post. He was married to her mother, who she has a very argumentative relationship with. I adored my grandad, so she told me he was a pervert who asked her to do a sexual act on him. It's more of a culmination of things she has said/done, with her refusal to let me know if he was still alive for a week and half just being the straw that broke the camels back. I only have close friends on my Facebook, some of which have worked for my grandparents. I wasn't posting a status in an attention whore kind of way, I was alone in a foreign country and had nowhere to vent.

No idea what happened there, sorry.

Also very sorry for your loss.

I do agree with everything Subliminal has said. The Facebook status was a bit mawkish and would have upset me in your mum's shoes. It's not unusual for relatives to be told someone is going to die very shortly only to have them hang on. Your family were probably told that, hence the phone call, they couldn't have predicted that he would hang on for so long.

I think, in grief, mistakes and misunderstandings happened on both sides, but as he was your mum's dad I think it's for you to be the bigger person. Remember your brother is witnessing your mum's grief, he is going to be angry at anything he can see increasing here pain, and in her shoes a fb status about the impending death of MY dad, followed by an argument as he was dying would add to my existing pain hugely.

Ah, that changes absolutely everything. I think I'd be inclined to rise above it all, share your grief with your husband and seek support from those who love you.

Sounds like your poor family has had a horrible time. Im really sorry about your grandad. -hugs-

On your question re your mum. I think your comment on fb was although well meaning was something that should have been kept private and can understand in a very highly stressed situation how this could upset your mum. we as a family went through similar with my gran being told she would die very soon but she was strong and lasted another 6 months. Sometimes it takes longer or is quicker than the family is told. Its a very stressful time and very tiring. Please phone your mum as she needs you. Doesnt matter re apology. Xxxxxxxx

I adored my grandad, so she told me he was a pervert who asked her to do a sexual act on him

It sounds as though you believe she was lying about this this - is that the case? If so, why do you think she would lie?if not, why are you do dismissive of this traumatic experience? It seems that there are some quite complex family relationships here, and that grief is heightening these feelings. I think that your Facebook posting was a little inappropriate - I can understand tht you feel isolated, that you have few fb friends an that you needed somewhere to vent your feelings, but fb is a public forum and I can understand why the rest of your family would be upset by your post. Whether you meant it to seem mawkish/attention seeking or not, that is how it could appear to the rest if your family.

You mentioned thy you and your mum furiously exchanged messages after your fb post - did you talk on the phone at all? I think that this is one of those horrible misunderstandings that gets worse because nobody actually talks to eAch other. I think you should apologise fir the fb post, your mum and brother are overreacting though, they should apologise for cutting you out.

You are all grieving - you need to speak to each other.

I really feel for you.

I had a similar situation a few years back but it was my mother who was ill and my sister withholding information.

I have Facebook friends who are RL friends of my mum and my sister more than me but I grew up with these people. my Dd was 3 weeks old and just out of nicu when I posted a status saying its a tough time and I wished my mum better. yes, I was looking for a bit of sympathy because I was quite isolated at the time. 2 things happened:

• my sister went insane at me telling me I wasn't allowed to post on Facebook and tell people details of mums illness When I pointed out I hadn't put any details on there she went running to my DF and told him a pack of lies. thankfully one of mums friends has backed me up in the end, but my relationship with my parents was badly damaged by it and hasn't fully recovered.
• I got some sympathy which was very nice from the rl friends of my mother and my sister. who then went on to tell me my mum had been lucky to make it through the night a few days earlier considering they thought she way going to die. no one had told me at all. my sister had apparently left my mothers bedside to call me and came back in and told my family I wasn't interested.

thankfully mum made it. though she is now in the unenviable position if knowing her daughters do not talk and that there have been a lot of lies. she knows I wasn't told about that night at least, but it can't be nice for her. she also knows that my sister stated on me about Facebook after that (and started on my Dd) so was obviously trying to cover herself. Dad on the other hand won't see the truth and I doubt we will ever have the same relationship again.

Dad keeps saying I should let it lie but I can't. I doubt I'll ever be able to forgive her.

I'm biased but yes, your mum owes you an apology

I've only read your original post as am off to get haircut but think you need to realise that most people find the playing out of private emotional times quite distasteful on sites like Facebook, especially older people.

I would have been angry at you for doing so. Can you imagine if a friend of his or someone whose life he touched but did not know about the state of his health had read it and had no emotional support?

Sounds like you both owe each other an apology but also sounds like you might have to be the first to hold out the olive branch to avoid all out family tension as you are so far away I guess it's up to you as to whether u wish to maintain family relationships

Not that I suppose it really matters but how do u know that she was lying about the sexual abuse issue? Was it admitted/proven to be false? I'll be honest if I was her and my family didn't believe me I'd be v upset. There seems to be a lot of underlying tension here.

I am sorry for your loss.

Personally I would never post on Facebook about death or illness, however it seems to be the norm to post comments such as "RIP Mum" (grandma, Dave! or Joe blogs).
I can understand that your DM might be offended by your behaviour.

Your relationship with your DM is difficult you have two choices, use this as an excuse to distance yourself from her or apologise and make the peace whilst you are all grieving.

I am so very sorry for your loss. However, two things from your post stand out for me.

Firstly, as others have said, many find it distasteful, attention seeking and potentially upsetting to others to read a facebook status in advance of somebody's death. It would have been dreadful for someone to read this who did not know already of the situation. I can understand your mother and brother's anger over this. I do understand you needed support yourself, especially being so far away, but facebook is surely not the way to receive that support.

Secondly, you state your mother stated your grandfather was "a pervert who asked her to do a sexual act on him!" From your post it seems you do not believe her and are dismissive of this, and I have to say I find this shocking. I can only think of how dreadful it must be to be an abused child/adult who finds the courage to tell of their abuse, only to be disbelieved. To not be believed after such a dramatic accusation must be heart breaking and add so much to the power the abuser has over his victim. I think I would be equally appalled that you do not believe your mother as if it were not true and she had "made this up". Either way there are obviously major relationship difficulties within your family for this to occur.

I wish you well, I wish the rest of your family well. Maybe an olive branch at this emotional time for everyone?

OP, sorry about your grandad. I understand why people would feel unhappy about the fb status, but I also feel that you know your DM better than a bunch of strangers in a forum. If she has form for lying and manipulation then I absolutely understand your interpretation of her actions. The posters who said you're DM couldn't have meant to lie don't really know that, she quite possibly did mean to lie.

If you want to maintain a relationship with her then I think you need to apologise for the Facebook status and harden yourself against further manipulations in the future. She sounds toxic, and I don't believe a mutually respectful and loving relationship is possible with such people. I cut off a family member 18 months ago who would bend the truth in a similar manner to your dm and then get very angry/vindictive if the truth came out. life is much, much simpler now.

Sorry, I forgot to mention her accusing your grandad of propositioning her. This is a tough one because of her penchant for trying to sour your relationships, but I believe you should consider the possibility that it may be true. It's hard to believe someone who is known for lying, especially when the person she accused is a loved one.

I was abused as a child. My DM knows but I haven't told her who it was as I'm afraid of not being believed, and it would hurt me even more than the abuser did to be disbelieved and dismissed as a liar. Please bare this in mind.

My mum often lied about things and it's horrible.

I wouldnt have posted on FB, however your mother has totally overreacted.

She is punishing you for a small mistake, made when you were very upset and on your own. Any 'normal' mum would have forgiven their daughter. But it appears your mum has decided to use it against you, to be nasty.

Do you actually want to have a relationship with her?

Sorry about your GD, but ye gods-that FB status was bloody awful.

I'm not surprised that she wanted it down & I think that you should apologise for that.

You obviously believe that she lied about your GD's condition & what he did to her, though, so that seems to be that !

Like Captain I also cut off a relative, my mother, as did my brother and sisters.

We had suffered years of drama, lies and minipulation. The final straw was the death of my Dad, who she was divorced from.
The day after my siblings and I had watched him die, she made it yet again all about her. Screaming at my brither then my sister about something very, very, trivial. She then said something so vile, to my SIL, that it was the final straw.

We cut her off, and tbh it was a huge relief.

you told your mother she was disgusting?

because she asked you to take down a preemptive Facebook status?!

and you think she should apologise?

you could have contacted hospital directly.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you should apologise for the status and see what she does after that. If she doesn't apologise for her actions I'm not sure what you can do but hopefully she will apologise!

I must say that the status you posted was awful. I am a very avid obsessed facebook user, I often post updates about my ds and photos ( sometimes daily) but when my grandpa died a couple of weeks ago I didn't say anything about it. It is really really inappropriate in my opinion to announce someone's death on facebook, it is even more terrible toannounce a speculated imminent death.

As someone living in a different country to my family I can totally understand why you used facebook in this way. It is literally a lifeline when you have NO ONE not one single person to have a face to face conversation with. But as everyone else has said, others find it distasteful.

You could apologise for the status and for the upset it caused.

Do you want to patch things up with DB? You might be better talking to him on the phone. Re: your DM never speaking to you again unless you apologise. You say she had an argumentative relationship with her mother - perhaps she doesn't know how to have a good relationship? She doesnt know what a good mother daughter relationship looks like. You can either try and work at it, continue as you are, or cut her off. It depends how good you are at forgivness and how much energy you have to give, and on how far she is prepared to go to patch things up, if at all.

I think you are in the wrong here. I would have been just as furious if such a personal matter was made known to everyone! Apart from all the other issues you have with your mother, in this particular situation you were really wrong to do this and should apologize to her.

notyo I think OP told her mum she thought she was disgusting because the mother had told her GF was dying imminently and then later told her he wasn't, not because of the facebook status.

Re-reading it the facebook thing is a red herring. Yes, it tipped the mother off but OP is/was angry at the mother's lies. The apology doesn't seem to be requested for the facebook update, it seems to be about OP telling her mother what she thought of her behaviour.

Also, are people seriously suggesting that its completely ok that the mother and other family refused to keep her up to date? Because I'm certainly a decent enough person to keep family updated in a situation like that even if I wasn't happy with them. Maybe I'm insane.