...to think my mum should apologise

[insertwittyusernamehereplease]

Name changed, haven't posted for a while after I was outed....

I will try to keep this incredibly long, confusing story short. My grandad was ill for a long time. It was touch and go as to whether he would make Christmas. I live in nan other country with a good 20 hour plane journey back to my families territory. I have been relying on my mum to keep me updated as to how he is, obviously I have believed everything she has been telling me. She's my mum, I'd have no reason to doubt her.
She messaged me a few weeks ago to tell me to call. I already knew in my heart what had happened, so I called her with a very heave heart. She told me my grandad was going to die that night. She said he had had a huge aneurism, and was not aware of his surroundings. I asked her to tell him I loved him very much, to say goodbye to him. I was heartbroken, and alone at home with my ds while my husband was working his night shift. I posted a status on my Facebook, mentioning that my granddad was slipping into his final sleep and giving a little heartfelt comment. My mum messaged me the following morning demanding I take it down, she was pretty aggressive in her approach. She then told me my grandad wasn't dying, he was in a coma. I was furious and told her so. Messages were exchanged with me maintaining that I thought her behaviour was disgusting. She refused to update me for over a week on how he was, I sent her three messages asking her if he was still alive. I finally got a response on the last one, only her telling me I wasn't allowed to ask her anything because she was angry with me. I told her again that her behaviour was disgusting, she couldn't withhold that kind of information from me and she needed to stop playing sick games. I then got a text off my brother telling me he had cut me off until I had apologized to my mother. Cut to a few days ago, I get a message from my brother coldly stating my grandad was dead and approximate time of death. My mother is still demanding an apology, otherwise she will never speak to me again.

I honestly don't know what to do. I have had no end of issues with her trying to sabotage my relationship with my husband, and she puts a negative spin on everything. She has told me countless lies over the years, usually about anyone I get close to (including friends).

I'm not going to ask any of you to decide who is wrong or right. Just wanted to vent a bit. If any of you ladies could wave a magic wand, I'd be very grateful right now ??

Sorry about your grandad firstly.
I'm not getting drawn into who was right and who was wrong, what I did want to say was, you say your mum is demanding an apology or she will never speak to you again?
I'd have to ask myself if that would actually be a bad thing? If she lies/undermines/sabotages relationships, I'm at a loss as to why you would even wish to continue a relationship anyway.
I'm not part of the blood is thicker than water brigade if someone negatively affects your life.
I think withholding information like that because she was pissed with you was a disproportionate reaction and very spiteful.
You may on reflection feel that some of your behaviour may have been inappropriate? If so you could apologise to clear your conscience but follow it with a polite fuck off Please don't contact me again.

I think I would seriously question whether I would tell the op anything about the person I questions health situation if she is going to plaster it all I we social networking sites though.

Geriatrics is a strange branch of medicine, you can be at deaths door one minute and fine a few days later. Can you imagine the poor mum getting phone calls re the grandfathers health and well wishes etc when she just wanted this to be a private time to start the process of losing someone and coming to terms with it?

Personally I would apologise for FB message and try to get over this

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I can understand why you are so angry. Your mother said your grandfather was dying and not expected to survive the night. Whether she believed that at the time or whether she was lying to you, that's something you will know better than us, as you say she has form for lying about serious issues relating to him.

I can understand why she is angry. Facebook is no place for things like this and they can come across as attention seeking. I've just this month seen my cousin and his partner involved in an argument with his grandmother's family when she passed away. They had been asked to keep her illness private and off Facebook but the moment she died his partner was updating every hour and it upset her family very much.

It's a difficult situation for what sounds like a difficult relationship. She thinks you owe the apology and is threatening to cut you off if you don't give her one. You think she owes you an apology for withholding all information about your grandfather from that point on.

I don't think you are going to get an apology and only you know how you feel about giving one to her. Can you live with apologising without getting an apology in return? Can you live with being cut off if you don't apologise?

For what it's worth, I think she is in the wrong just for threatening that and basically trying to emotionally blackmail you. That's not on no matter what has happened.

It's hard to tell who s really in the wrong not knowing you or your mother.

I agree the FB thing was crass and could easily have upset family members, especially those who were there actually doing the tough job of nursing, watching and waiting for a relative or friend to die. It is extremely emotional and exhausting, can be a real roller coaster ride. OP, you were saved and protected from this by the distance - that alone might be reason to cut those who are actually dealing with the horrible process of death some slack.

When I was nursing and sitting with a very close family member waiting for them to die, I probably would have been less that impressed with your behaviour sitting at the other side of the world.

You know your mum, it all sounds complicated - depends on if you want to build bridges.

I feel I should clear some things up here.

My mums admission of my grandad asking her to do a sexual act on her came as I admitted my cousin had been sexually abusing me. It was used as a 'oh, you've been through to it but I have too' kind of way. Everything is a competition to her. If I mention I've not had time to eat anything but a slice of toast, she quickly moves the conversation in to what she has eaten (which is always less than me).

I have apologized for the fb status, I did so immediately and took it down within a minute of her asking me to. I know it can come across as attention whore, so told her I was in the wrong for that. I genuinely believed my grandad would die within a few hours (as she had told me) so sat waiting all night for the message saying he had gone. The only message I got was an aggressive one telling me to take my fb post down (which I did) and that she had never told me my GD was going to die. She has since then changed her story many times, when she bothers to message me it's only to emotionally blackmail me.

I am so angry and hurt with her right now. This is the only place I can go to anonymously post. I have always supported her, through one bad choice to another bad relationship. Any time I try to ask her for help, she has refused. It has taken this awful time to see through the lies she has continually told me throughout my life, and now I don't know what was the truth and what was a complete lie.

Thanks for the clarification. That's tough to deal with. Have you considered getting some couselling? I think they would be better than us at getting you to work through the numerous issues you have with her.

Could you contact your DB or the hospital for more info on GFs last days? I think knowing what happened will help with the process of grieving. x