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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP taken our son to his ex's

75 replies

Piercy · 20/09/2013 21:55

My DP has a son by a different relationship, and he is due up tonight and DP has gone to pick him up, DP has just rung to say he has met his son and they are going to ex's house with his son (DSS) to collect clothes etc.

DP has taken our 5 month old son with him, I'm a first time mum and our DS was in intensive care for 6 days and I feel I'm incredibly protective of him he has reflux and I'm struggling to keep my confidence up that I am a good mum and doing right by him, when there are days he screams won't go down for a nap.

DP ex I know has struggled with us having a child together, she smokes in the house and smokes cannabis and I just don't want our son in a smokey house, being flaunted in front of her. I know he is going to be picked up like some trophy and he has already been sick tonight I just wanted him to have a car drive (hopefully to help send him to sleep) and come home. I don't want other people "pawing" over him, and I think this goes back to when he was so poorly he wasn't allowed anyone to pick him up except his me and his Dad (even when he came home we had to be careful)

DP refused to sit in the car while his son collected his clothes - I ended putting the phone down saying "bloody kid" as DSS needs a kick up the arse he is lazy, a liar, he is nearly 20 by the way.

Why did he have to take him in the house and flaunt him, and have him "pawed" over? Why does he have to go near the ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
Piercy · 21/09/2013 10:05

Its the EX that I have an issue with - if it was his Aunt that lives in the area or a friend not a problem - he doesn't have to ask my permission.

Only 2 weeks ago DP told me he didn't want my ex to even know anything about our DS - works both ways don't you think?

I think we will close this here!!

OP posts:
JustBecauseICan · 21/09/2013 10:11

Why did you have a baby with this man? When you (presumably) knew he had other children that you were going to have issues about?

Why did you "allow" him to take his own baby out today if you are so uncomfortable with it?

At least you recognise you have an issue with the ex. But believe me, as others have said, you have more than that.

livinginwonderland · 21/09/2013 10:14

You can't control what your DP does with his own son. You CHOSE to have a baby with him, knowing full-well he had an ex that smoked, as well as a DSS. He has just as much a right as you do to take his son out for a car trip.

maddy68 · 21/09/2013 10:18

Honestly? I think you are being very unreasonable and way way too precious. Your dp has a past. He will always have this other family in his life and now your child's life.

You need Get a grip on this Or this will ruin your relationship.
As for your step son bringing a tv. So what? Your oh wants him to feel at home in your home. He will not be spending all his time with you. He will wan thus in space. What's wrong with that?
Tbh you sound very controlling. This could well be hormones and not the real you. But it is sonething to consider. Have you thought about a gp visit? Loads of help is available

maddy68 · 21/09/2013 10:19

Want his own space. Bloody iPad

AboutTimeForAChange · 21/09/2013 11:02

I agree you need to sort your issues out.

I feel sorry for your DSS, DP and the EX.

Did you paw and flaunt the Ex's child your DSS? She had to trust you with her precious child! At least she had managed to produce a Man and has a bit of experience around children.

Tiptops · 21/09/2013 11:38

YABVVVU. I hope when you've calmed down you can see how controlling you're being. You weren't asked for permission? He is your partner's baby just as much as he is yours! You have equal parenting rights. And so what if he is proud of your son and wants to show him off?

Your attitude to your DSS is worrying too.

Cravey · 21/09/2013 11:52

He's 20 no doubt he has no interest in your precious darling son. Leave him alone. It seems that everything he does you are going to moan about. He and his dad will sort it themselves. Do you have some some of control issue ?

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/09/2013 12:12

YABU OP. And both you and your DP need to work on your trust issues.Sad

Famzilla · 21/09/2013 13:05

YABU. At 20 years old he is an adult and can do whatever the hell he wants. So whether your DP just can't say no or not doesn't make a blind bit of difference.

I highly doubt she was blowing smoke in your DS's face.

These are your problems, and it would do you well to address them. I understand it must have been awful having your son in NICU but you can't take it out on others like this.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/09/2013 14:03

Do you have children with your ex? If not there is no reason at all why you would contact him to speak about your new baby with someone else.

Your dp on the other hand has a child with someone else, his dreaded ex. It's rather unavoidable that she will know about the new baby isn't it?

Maybe he took the baby because you were on the phone and thought he was doing a nice thing by taking him so you could carry on talking.

You are no doubt a lovely person but are sounding like a bit of a pain in the arse here.

Alisvolatpropiis · 21/09/2013 14:03

Also - your dss is 20. He is going to have minimal interest in the new baby.

He might want to spend time with his dad but probably isn't that interested in his step brother.

JustBecauseICan · 21/09/2013 14:08

The DSS is probably mortified that 20 yrs on his Dad is still at it with babies tbh.

I think you've probably left the thread and are probably very upset OP. I also think you should consider having a word with your Gp or HV as you sound a bit anxious. Which is understandable if your baby was sick when born.

Your attitude towards your stepson though is neither understandable or acceptable.

PeppiNephrine · 21/09/2013 14:34

"I'm not controlling I'm just pissed off that he didn't ask my permission before he took his own son somewhere"

Yeah, thats not at all controlling Hmm

thebody · 21/09/2013 14:43

er why would a 20 year old want to spend all if his time with your baby?

not everyone finds other people's babies all consumingly interesting and he would be a wierd 20 year old if he did.

Booboostoo · 21/09/2013 15:11

DSS HAS to spend the weekend with DS but no one else is supposed to paw over him? YABU

PomBearArmy · 21/09/2013 16:34

Peppi She has a five month old baby who was in intensive care, I think she can be forgiven for wanting to know where he is and that he's okay.

I'm glad the OP has made the sensible decision to exit the thread, anyone asking for help on this board is in for a verbal kicking! No wonder the anti-MNers call us a pit of vipers...

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/09/2013 14:26

Pombear, she knew where DC was and that he was with his dad. There was no real risk to the child. Instead, he is being used in a trust game between OP and her DP.Sad

PeppiNephrine · 22/09/2013 14:30

HE has a five month old baby who was in intensive care, and he knew where he was.
And thats not what it was about anyway. OP admits that it would have been fine if they had gone anywhere else, her problem is WHO they saw not anything else.

GatoradeMeBitch · 22/09/2013 17:39

I'm just saying we could have a little bit of understanding for her situation and feelings, that's all. None of us are perfect human beings with perfect responses to everything. I just don't like kicking someone when they're obviously down.

(I'm PBA by the way, namechanged in honour of Breaking Bad finale.)

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 17:43

I do think that sometimes people,when they're feeling a bit down lose perspective and actually need someone to tell them straight.

Clearly the OP disagreed as she's buggered off.

Her dp also had a baby who was in images nice care remember. Fairly sure that was a difficult time for him too.

Alisvolatpropiis · 22/09/2013 17:44

*intensive even. That'll teach me not to proof read.

BruthasTortoise · 22/09/2013 18:04

YANBU. And if your DH had taken your baby anywhere else that you had expressely said you didn't want the baby took, you wouldn't be getting a hard time. The very fact that you mentioned ex's and step children meant that you were going to get a flaming no matter what the circumstances. FWIW I despise my SIL for various reasons, my DC have never and will never be in her house, my DH may not necessarily agree but respects my opinion as their mother.

QuintessentialShadows · 22/09/2013 18:08

Oh boy, you created a whole future of problems when you chose this man as your dp and have a baby with him. Did you never consider the issues with his adult child and his ex before you decided to make a family? Hmm

Not sure that I really agree that either of these are issues (aside from smoking spliffs) but YOU clearly find them issues, and you thought have thought about this both when you decided to have a child, and when you sent the child out in the car, despite having been sick in the night.

Sparklysilversequins · 22/09/2013 18:44

Another whiny step mother trying to control everyone in the entire family because they've happened to join it.

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