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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really shaken up by this driver

92 replies

filee777 · 20/09/2013 10:21

Who cut me up on a roundabout and then insulted me and my weight and my looks and called me a bitch and a slag?

It's really hurt me. Mostly, probably because all of it rang true.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/09/2013 13:02

Yes what is beauty, everyone's idea of beauty is different.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/09/2013 14:32

I can see that, but I've never been anyone's idea of beauty and I'm certainly not now I am larger as well.

Anyway a new chapter in my life starts on Monday so I'm going to focus on that. It's also the anniversary of my daughters death. She was 24 weeks when I delivered her.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/09/2013 14:36

Oh my goodness filee, you have been through so much. You don't know filee. You have constantly been around people who have made you feel ugly and worthless. I am not a traditional beauty, think huge nose and funny looks, but my dh tells me I am beautiful ad as not made me doubt it

Original poster
filee777 · 21/09/2013 14:43

But surely if I was attractive, then I would have been around people who told me that? Surely when I was at my slimmest and prettiest I wouldn't have had a gang of blokes laughing at me? Surely?

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 21/09/2013 14:48

Can I just ask who told you they were laughing at you?

Anyone except your DP - who has a vested interest in making sure you don't think any of the others could ever be interested in you?

EBearhug · 21/09/2013 14:57

But surely if I was attractive, then I would have been around people who told me that?

In my experience, if people do tell you you're attractive, you discount it, because you think they have either missed what everyone else sees, or they're after something, or they're just lying to cheer you up. So you don't remember it, even though it may actually have been that they were telling the truth. (It was my mother who told me no one would ever want me. Turns out to be true... except that I am very good at pushing people away and thinking all the above, rather than just trusting and believing that they're actually just complimenting me because that's just what people do sometimes.)

Original poster
filee777 · 21/09/2013 14:57

Just my husband. Before we were married. It definitely happened he wouldn't have lied.

He's a bit naive and stupid in that respect but he's not cruel to make something like that up.

He's just not very versed in the ways of love.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/09/2013 15:00

No no filee you were very very unlucky sweetie. I hope tat it is a new chapter on Monday, please please go to your GP for counselling. As a teen I had low self wrth and suicidal tendencies. I did go for counselling which helped so much. Cutting your toxic family out is a step forward, ad letting go of the past. The more self esteem you have and the more confidence, you will not be around people who make you feel shit. Those awful people in your past saw how down you were, and how lw you were and fed off it like leeches. By going to counselling I saw felt more confident, my self wrth went up and positive things started to happen. Which I hope it des to you. Your dh sounds like a good man but tactless, you need te confidence to deal with him, as a result I think it will reduce, once he sees tat he just cannot say such nasty things!

RhondaJean · 21/09/2013 15:03

See there's lying and there's remembering something the way you want to remember it Filee. I wouldn't take everything he is telling you as 100 per cent they way things actually were.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/09/2013 15:05

I tried going for counselling, the receptionist gave me the wrong time and then got angry with me when I produced the letter they had given me. They were still trying to say it was my fault with the bloody proof in front of them. It made me really anxious and I have so so much to do right now.

It wasn't meant to be.

OP posts:
SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 21/09/2013 15:08

Oh filee you are breaking my heart with this thread! Firstly, beauty exists in the eye of the beholder and there is someone out there for everyone who will think them the most beautiful creature on the planet - and yes, I mean the people who aren't "traditionally beautiful" too.

Secondly, you should not feel grateful to your husband for "loving" you in spite of your looks. He should be enchanted by you; should be kind to you. He should NOT laugh at you or tell you you're ugly. Never, ever, ever.

Thirdly, there is so much more to being attractive than having a symmetrical and well-proportioned face. Yes someone can be very superficially pretty, but if they're ugly on the inside, that makes them instantly less desirable. Likewise, someone who has a bulbous nose, little eyes, wonky teeth and a double chin (which is what I see in my mirror!) but is kind and good to be around is infinitely more attractive. Please don't dismiss your appeal because of concerns about what you look like.

pigletmania · 21/09/2013 15:49

Filee start by going to counselling at university, and look for local counselling organisations. MIND is a big mental health organisation.

pigletmania · 21/09/2013 15:50

I totally agree smite, you bring up some very good points

Original poster
filee777 · 21/09/2013 18:41

I suppose the question is whether I can be happy with my partner and right now I just don't know. He makes me feel like not bothering in a way which is a shame but easy.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 21/09/2013 19:23

Oh filee, he is not exactly reassuring by saying those things. Why don't you sit own and talk to him about those things

fluffyraggies · 21/09/2013 19:50

(hugs) for Monday fillee. And congrats for the start of a new chapter :)

I would bet that just about everyone has, at some point in their life, had something horrid said or done to them, at least once. Maybe it bought them down. Maybe they got very angry. Maybe they stayed away from that person from then on. But the difference between them and you, OP, is that they have been able to shrug it off eventually because they had other folk to help them do that.

It sounds like you have been beaten down and squashed for years without any support to help you float back up :( No one should be telling anyone they're ugly FFS Angry

Rather than finding ways to justify their comments, you have to find a way to rise up now, and say that is an unacceptable way to behave towards another human being and that you deserve better.

Beauty isn't everything anyway OP. It's cheesy, but it's true. Beauty comes in lots of forms. I think you sound like a wonderful and caring, compassionate and thoughtful person. I think you'd make a lovely friend. There's beauty in that. If i was a man those feelings may become romantic, and i'd be saying you're beautiful. And i'd be right. Because there's no blue-print for what's beautiful.

As for your DH ... i wouldn't be right to say LTB here. We don't know him. It sounds as if the comments which hurt you was a while ago? Sorry if i'm wrong. But don't be accepting of any more of that sort of shite if it comes up again. Flush the gratitude down the pan as well. You've bourne him children. HE should be grateful for that! Chin up now!

At this point, with allot on your plate i would say concentrate on your new start, and try somewhere different for counceling if you can. Don't start under a cloud.

Original poster
filee777 · 21/09/2013 20:34

Thank you :)

I think that's exactly what I am going to do, just see what happens at college and focus on my studies.

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