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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really shaken up by this driver

92 replies

filee777 · 20/09/2013 10:21

Who cut me up on a roundabout and then insulted me and my weight and my looks and called me a bitch and a slag?

It's really hurt me. Mostly, probably because all of it rang true.

OP posts:

Original poster

filee777 · 20/09/2013 10:42

He has apologised for it, but what is said is said

I lost a few stone last year and it didn't make a difference to aspects of our relationship, so I asked him if I would ever be beautiful and he said no.

That is him being honest. Of course I am still with him, here is a man who will love me despite my physical issues and has allowed me to have children. I would not have found love without him.

OP posts:

HitTheNorth · 20/09/2013 10:43

He sounds horrible. Are you going to ask for this to be moved to relationships?

Cluffyflump · 20/09/2013 10:45

Do you know what else?
I'm slim and blokes seem to find me attractive. If I had to lose my looks or my sense of humour, it would be bye, bye looks.
'Pretty' gets a bit of attention, but a good personality keeps people interested.
Think about the people you like to spend time with / admire. It's not about physical appearance.

Get some help for your low self esteem and weight.

The other driver is a twat, no matter what he looks like,

Cluffyflump · 20/09/2013 10:48

"Of course I am still with him, here is a man who will love me despite my physical issues and has allowed me to have children. I would not have found love without him."

What!?
Stop being so bloody grateful!

Pendeen · 20/09/2013 10:49

filee777

Forgive me if you have already stated this but I cannot see any reference above - was the other driver male or female because so many on here have immediately assumed 'male' and then gone on to vilify that driver as being, for example "a disgusting pig of a man" and "He is a piece of shit"

This is rampant sexism at it's worst IMO.

(Quite willing to be contradicted if you did say which).

Shakirasma · 20/09/2013 10:50

Filee
Your husband does not know the meaning of the world "love".

He is a cunt.

CocacolaMum · 20/09/2013 10:50

The driver and the husband are 2 very separate issues.

The driver is a twat who probably didn't give what he said to you a seconds thought and almost certainly didn't mean it.

BUT

Your husbands comments are so much more damaging and as for the way that you appear to accept that he loves you despite your looks.. well that just makes me feel sad for you. Telling you that you will never be beautiful is not him being honest, its him being unkind. I have to ask, why do you think he married you?

Do your children have self esteem issues yet? (I am not asking this in a bitchy way but there can often be a knock on effect)

MoominsYonisAreScary · 20/09/2013 10:51

With his attitude i think he should be grateful that you are with him. He sounds like a real arse

AdventureTed · 20/09/2013 10:52

He only chose your weight and looks because that is what he thought would hurt you most because you are female.

Are you going to diet and have plastic surgery so he can call you a skinny bitch next time? Hell no! He is a grade one nasty prat who is likely to get mashed like a potato when he picks on the wrong person.

Look at all the abuse female celebrities get, whatever they look like.

LookingThroughTheFog · 20/09/2013 10:53

First off, what a horrible man on the roundabout! You're not at all being unreasonable to be shaken by it! He's an absolute dick.

Secondly, I'm glad your husband apologised, but how nasty and unfair.

Finally, the good traits about yourself that you list, the clever and funny - these things count. People's weight and appearance change throughout their lives, but the basic, fundamental parts of their characters - the funny, clever, kind etc., they're yours for life. You might get a bit more mellow, but ultimately, you can't go on a diet to get clever or kind.

I've gained a stone recently and it all sits on my tummy making me look about 5 months pregnant. I've stopped dying my hair and let the greys show. It's part of life, and it's part of who I am now. Seems a bit silly to go chasing after the figure and youth I once had. I was fairly ignorant and stupid then. Regardless of how I look, I think I prefer the person I am now.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes · 20/09/2013 10:53

I really feel for you OP. You can't change what that twatty driver said to you, but you can work on yourself, and if it's worth it, your relationship.

We are surrounded by images of beautiful people and made to feel this is the ideal. The harse reality is most of us are really pretty plain! When I go clothes shopping and see beautiful clothes that won't magically transform me into a supermodel I get a bit depressed but then I look around me and see all the ordinary looking people shopping and I remind myself that is the reality. I feel better then.

Cluffyflump · 20/09/2013 10:54

"This is rampant sexism at it's worst IMO."

If you think this is sexism at its worst Pendeen, then I suggest you get out more!

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes · 20/09/2013 10:55

'harsh'

Crowler · 20/09/2013 10:58

Seriously, sexism at its worst? WTF?

OP, you are NOT FAT AND UGLY.

Your husband is a fucking asshole. He tried to take the wind out of your sails to make you a more compliant, grateful wife. Please look after yourself & your kids.

flatmum · 20/09/2013 10:59

just to make you feel a bit better, a male driver called me a stupid, fat bitch and at the time I was a size 8. I don't think that kind of man would even look, just says what they know will be hurtful. xx

BIWI · 20/09/2013 10:59

Pendeen does make an interesting point though - everyone did assume that the person that the OP refers to was a man. I wonder why that is?

fileee777 - that driver was just an ignorant and deeply unpleasant person. I can see that it would have been upsetting, but just try and ignore them.

What you can't ignore, though, is the way you talk about your husband - I can't believe that he would tell you that you're ugly , or that you would talk about yourself in such a subversive way. You deserve much more than that.

for you.

AdventureTed · 20/09/2013 11:03

Your husband sounds like an insecure man who is terrified of losing control of you.

Maybe he can envisage you having confidence and getting rid of him, and so he's trying to knock you down to keep his hold over you.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 20/09/2013 11:06

I think everyone assumed the driver was a man because the OP didn't specify otherwise. It's sexism alright - but I don't think it's sexism against men. I think it's the same deeply ingrained, inadvertent sexism that leads many people to think "man" when they hear "Doctor" and "woman" when they hear "Nurse".

edam · 20/09/2013 11:06

Your husband is horrid. Why would someone who professes to love you be so cruel?

It sounds like there is something very wrong with your relationship, I'm afraid. Does your husband enjoy making you feel shit?

I bet you aren't ugly, you have just convinced yourself that because you have low self-esteem, which your nasty husband is playing on. Walk down the street and look at everyone else - people come in all shapes and sizes and facial types. We can't all look like, I dunno, Cameron Diaz.

Cluffyflump · 20/09/2013 11:07

You are right Pendeen, most of us did assume that the idiot driver is male.
I doubt we were wrong sadly.
Not all men behave like this, but I and every other woman I know have encountered this type of behaviour from men many, many times.
On the flip side I have encountered many idiot females. However it is more usual for the kind of abuse the op suffered to have come from a man.

Kewcumber · 20/09/2013 11:08

You are upset by this random strangers nasty comments because your (D)H has made you feel totally unattractive and that you should be grateful for any attention anyone gives you. I don;t think the two are unrelated at all.

What exactly is "beautiful" and "ugly"? Your nose might be the wrong shape for current fashion, or you might have too round a face. My nose turns slightly to one side and I have unbalanced nostrils. I also have a receding chin and freckles and my hair is going grey and my neck is slightly crepey (because I'm an old gimmer).

But I don't scare young children in the street so my looks are perfectly adequate, unless I decide to change career to become a supermodel aged 48 in which case they will be totally inadequate.

One of the most ugly people I ever knew in real life was a man who worked for me who had a very unfortunate squint and dreadful hair and was slightly podgy. 3 months after working with him, I would have walked over broken glass for him as he was one of the smartest funniest and loveliest men I have ever met. He was a really attractive person in every way that mattered and I would have had a wild impetuous fling with him in a heart beat if he hadn't been very happy with his girlfriend and also my junior!

As Judge Judy says "Beauty fades but dumb is forever".

Thankfully for your DH cruel and spiteful can probably be worked on with some counselling and thankfully for you, so can lack of self esteem and peculiar priorities when valuing people.

If your health is affected then by all means work on losing weight - you don't need to go to the gym to lose weight. Wrap yourself in whatever all-encompassing clothing you feel you need and get out for a walk 5 times a week. And add 5 minutes to whatever you can manage every time until you're walking briskly for 45 minutes. Then start the Couch to 5K plan and learn to run. If I can do it - anyone can.

cls77 · 20/09/2013 11:09

The driver clearly said what comes out of their mouth on a regular basis (to either their DP) I am forever being insulted by drivers in that way (Im not a bad driver honest , and until last year my H used to talk to me like shit the whole time, "Your an ugly whore" "How can you let yourself go after having our D youre a disgrace" etc, I am now single and beautiful, he however is still a puny little man!!
OP I used to be greatful for the husband, and the chance to have a child, but believe me, they are the ones that make you feel like that in the first place. Would you want your children to feel like you do now, or do you wish the world for them?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 20/09/2013 11:11

You shouldn't be grateful to your husband for anything. I cannot believe he said that to you. What else does he say and then apologise for?

As you have said yourself, what's said is said. Apologies mean jack shit because the words can never be unsaid, and the hurt can't be undone.

I think you have issues with your self esteem because of your husband. And then when a prick at a roundabout says things which tally up with your own opinion of yourself, you choose to accept them as true instead of realising that the other driver was a twat, who probably had a bad day themselves and spoke in the heat of the moment.

Pendeen · 20/09/2013 11:16

Fair enough:

"This is rampant sexism at it's worst IMO"

FatherHankTree · 20/09/2013 11:17

Have some you deserve them because you're not worthless, you lost a few stone last year and that's a fantastic achievement.

I'm not surprised the twat driver made you feel bad, it sounds the same as the vile comments of your H.

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