To think my daughter sticks out like sore thumb as do I?

[Bellybadge]

DD just started school, she is the only Asian child in her class and in the whole of reception I have only seen one other Asian child. She is a very chatty, outgoing little girl.

I am worried about her making friends because although she always tries to chat to the other children they very rarely acknowledge her, all the children in her class seem to know each other as do their mums. I see groups of children from her class playing together or running up to their friends at home time, she calls out to some of them or points them out me and waves at them, but again they ignore her.

I have tried being friendly with other mums during pick up and drop off, nothing over eager but friendly hello's and small talk but mostly they tend to ignore me too (very politely). Sometimes I have been blanked outright even though the other mum saw me smile or obviously heard me say hello or good morning. I don't know if it's because I'm Asian or because I'm not head to toe in Boden, pushing a phil and teds and rocking my large scarf and large satchel ( it's almost as if the parents are wearing a uniform too)

The school is a lot less diverse than I first thought, very white middle class, we wanted to send our child to a good school but I am now not sure we made the right decision and worry that I've just set up the next few years of her being friendless.

She hasn't said anything to me outright but I'm just worried for her. She had lots of friends at her private nursery but then her nursery was very diverse and had kids from many different backgrounds. Please feel free to tell me I'm being a prize berk and totally u.

[avolt]

I know what you mean about a lot of people being dressed the same and feeling like you don't fit in. Our school is very much like that. I would agree that some people are less friendly if you don't fit the norm. That is my experience anyway. Although it's highly likely the groups you see knew each other before their dc started school and that is probably why they seem to be more friendly and welcoming to each other than to you.

It takes time for them to be able to form friendships. What you're seeing is dc who've known each other from toddler groups and nursery or their parents being friends. Mine didn't really make new friends until around the Easter of reception class. I found it got easier in year 1 where they're sat in groups for working. Reception can be quite daunting with everyone milling around playing.

Don't rely on making new friendships yourself in the playground - not everybody does or wants to. The friendship groups I'm aware of generally have another connection outside school - be it that they're neighbours, their dc all do dancing, they went to school together or they were in an NCT group together.

Our school is not very multicultural at all. But I'd say the few from different cultures are accepted and settle well. I think in time you will find that the vast majority or parents are not racist. Some will be cliquey and veer towards similar types, but an awful lot won't.

Try not to project onto your dd. I told mine frequently that it's ok to play on your own in the early years - because they all find themselves in that situation a lot. If you give the message that she's somehow failing to find friends, she may get more upset about it than she needs to.

Once your dd starts to make friends, you'll find that her friends' parents will be a bit more friendly towards you, as you start to arrange having them round to play or similar. For us this didn't really happen until midway through year 1. My dc is very shy.

In the meantime, Just give off an image of a calm, balanced person whom they'd be happy to send their dc to should you want to arrange play dates or parties.

[mrsjay]

avolt is spot on what a great insight to it all,

[greenbananas]

OP, so sorry you're feeling like this.

My experience of being a child, having children and working with children is that most children do not give a stuff what colour their friends are. They notice, but they don't care, if you see what I mean. They may be aware of some cultural differences, but all families are different anyway, and I don't think they see it in terms of colour (e.g. Joanne's parents let her stay up until 8 o'clock, Ahmed's mummy keeps all the shoes in the hallway but we just wear ours in the house, David is allowed to eat apples whenever he wants to, Kyra's house always smells spicy, Anne's house smells of fish and chips... and so on)

I had a conversation about colour with nearly 5 year old DS the other day:

DS: Why is [good friend from preschool] black?
Me: Because both his mummy and daddy are black.
DS: And am I white because you and my daddy are white?
Me: Yes.
DS: And [cousins] are black too because their daddy is black, but their mummy is white.
Me: Yes. They look a lot like their daddy, but their skin isn't quite so dark because they are a bit like their mummy too.
DS: And can I watch Octonauts?
Me: No, you can't.

Of course, children do picl up some prejudices from their parents and other adults around them, but please don't worry about your daughter not fitting in right now. If the teachers see any form of prejudice, I'm sure they will be on it like a ton of bricks.

Hope you make some lovely friends from school soon.

[Leopoldina]

You don't sound sneery, you sound like you're looking for an explanation. I don't think it's the bad clothes they wear which'll give you a reason, it's more likely that they siimply know each other from having older children / different nursery etc etc.

I'm a minority at our school gate because I have a f/t job. That means I don't go to all the coffee mornings / yoga classes etc but it does mean that I have to make an almighty effort to volunteer do those mind numbingly awful PTA activities and go to the evening drinks / meals. I do think that people will be more reluctant to invite your child to their house / let theirs come to yours if they don't know you, so that's why I do it. How to crack into it on the daily basis at the gate I don't know, but good luck, and go forth and coffee morning.

[QuintessentialShadows]

You sound a bit judgmental. Maybe because you yourself feel judged? To be honest, I am not so sure you are hiding your thoughts very well, you may say a friendly hello, but maybe your face says it all? White middle class uniformly dressed in Boden? You are making sweeping observations and have already branded all the mums! That is not a good start!
How would it seem if I sent my children to a school in a predominantly black neighbourhood and started complaining about all these "black middle class mums in their Guccis rocking up to school in 4x4s" ? What does that say about me? etc

When my eldest started reception we did not know anybody. We also wanted a good school, and he joined a Catholic primary outside our own parish. All the other children knew each-other from the preschool connected to the school, but also from Sunday school and mass!
It took a while for my son to start making friends, and even longer for me!
A lot of parents will know eachother already because they have older children in the school or because they know each other from before school.


You need to relax and take your time!

[Loopylala7]

Could you arrange some play dates, invite some mums too for coffee? I sometimes find it hard making small talk with other mums, but have appeciated such invites so I can get to know them better which makes conversation soo much easier. I found that I also misjudged a few mums who I actually really like now,

[Bellybadge]

Thank you all for replying everyone, for the last time I am not judging them on their dress just explaining what they wear and how it is all v similar, if I was judging them I wouldn't be saying hello to them pretty much every morning. For what it's worth I think children do have an awareness of different ethnicities at that age, my daughter certainly does, we have a wide and diverse range of family friends ( albeit with older or no children) so she knows she has different skin colour to most of the children in her class, not that stops her being friendly with the other children.

As a person of colour I think I do know when I am being blanked due to the colour of my skinnier perceived notions about my personality due to my ethnicity, I can usually tell, but I wasn't sure what this was about, hence the post.

But, it's not about me, it's about my dd, and she seems happy enough so far , I'm hoping as the term goes on she will make some friends, I will continue to be friendly and polite and just leave it at that. I have an almost 1 year old too so that limits what time I have to volunteer work but I think that's an excellent idea and I have a TA qualification ( not used for many years) so I will definitely look into that.

Thank you all again replying and for those of you who have shown me a lot of kindness in your posts, very much appreciated.

[Bellybadge]

Please excuse the typos I'm in my phone

[Bellybadge]

Sorry, forgot to answer the questions, yes a lot the other children have come from the attached pre school, we live local to the school but not that as local as most of the children in her class who come from nearby roads.

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Hi Op, when DD1 started school she knew just one girl in her class (who went on to bully her..). All the other kids had been to the same preschool as several other classmates. All the moms seems to know several other moms. It took my DD maybe 2 months to meet her first friend. It took me a bit longer to get to know other parents. But by following year I had bit by bit got to know some parents. Several years later I am on good terms with at least 6 moms, and know the others well enough to have a bit of a chat in the playground.

So consider it early days yet. If your DD is a chatty happy little soul, she will have no trouble making friends. And as she makes friends, you'll have something more in common with her friends Moms.

DDs school is the opposite of diverse. Very few black or Asian kids there. But the kids seem to value being good fun and easy to be with above all else. Whatever their colour.
So your DD should be a popular little girl in no time.

[fhutts]

Bollocks to them, light a fag, swear like a navvie at your daughter and text constantly, they'll notice you then!!! It'll all come good in time x

[lljkk]

I'm white uppper middle class. Went to a lower class ethnically income diverse school & thrived. Switched to all white upper middle class school & got bullied horribly. Back to another ethnically-income diverse school, made lots of friends, not bullied.

just thinking you can't predict.

[Wilberforce2]

My ds5 has just started in reception class in a white middle class school (we are white) and a lot of the Mum's are exactly the same sadly. A lot of them know each other from pre school (there are 8 kids in his class from the same one) and I have tried to join in conversations and say hello but I get nothing back. We are only two weeks in so I'm hoping it improves!

I know that my little boy doesn't notice race yet he just notices hair colour and what kind of bag/packed lunch box the other kids have, so I would doubt that the children are not including your daughter because you are Asian.

Really hope things get better for you, it's not nice x

[HeadsDownThumbsUp]

Agree that you don't sound sneery in the least. Other posters are attacking you for the most peripheral element of your post. Funny way to show you that there's nothing else going on...

[Dobbiesmum]

2 points for you:

1. we are not exactly in a multi cultural area, I can count the amount of Asian families with children at our primary school on 2 fingers. When I see the children at pick up and drop off they're surrounded by friends, just like everyone else. My DD has a little crush on one of the boys btw
   
2. I get ignored by most of the Mums too, for no other reason except the all have their own little groups they automatically fall into in the playground. (No Boden or Phil and Teds here, it's more of a 'look at my second hand bargain type of place!)
   What happens to you isn't a reflection on what will happen to your children, please try not to worry too much, she will make her own friends in her own time.

[aintnothinbutagstring]

My dds school is a bit like that op, ie. there is a mum uniform (if you want to partake in it, I don't) and its a predominantly white middle class area. Luckily theres a good number of asian, latin, black, mixed race (my dd is mixed, black african and I'm white), if not for that I'd think about moving.

There will be some lovely normal mums if you have a good look. And children will choose their own friends regardless who their mum is friends is with. My dd is best friends with alpha-pta-mum's dc (probably much to her distaste!).

[BettyBotter]

We live in an almost completely monocultural area. My dcs are mixed race (but I'm the white half or their mixture) and for a while I felt very out of the loop in the playground. It wasn't because of their ethnicity but just because most of the dcs had been to a preschool that ds hadn't been to. All the mums already knew each other. But within a couple of months the invitations to tea had started and once the dcs got to be friends, the mum friends follow naturally.

Another thought. I have taught (KS2) in 99% white British areas and the absolute opposite in extremely mixed multi ethnic parts of London. IMO the children in the monocultural schools have been more inclusive towards the few children of other ethnicities coming into the school than those in the very mixed area, perhaps because the dc wasn't part of an identifiable group but was just another child. In the very mixed schools children were much more aware of their own ethnicity and ethnic groupings - not a bad thing; but it did mean that as they got older the prejudices of parents started to show through (Turkish kids told not to be friends with Greek kids etc).

[Mumzy]

If your Dcs start school knowing no one it can take time for you to make a set of friends there. Everyone is sizing each other up as no one wants to be stuck win the clingy or mad parents you'll soon find out who they are. I suggest be friendly and you'll soon find quite a few parents n he Same situation as you.

[Mumzy]

By the way you will be spending at least 7 years in the school playground you are only 3 weeks in which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. Echoing what others say The friends for your dd and yourself will come.

[Retroformica]

There will be other mums with reception kids just like you - ie) new, yet to make friends etc. target the other new bees for play dates at the park or house.

[strangething]

I got to the end of primary school before realising that, you know, the reason Sophie had browner skin and hair than most of the other kids in my white middle class school was because her parents were from a different country, I thought that was just how Sophie looked. I knew Jaya's parents were from India (same as Sophie's) because her Mum came in around the time of Diwali and showed us how to make Indian sweets. So I just don't think kids see that kind of thing.. like others say more likely to be that they know each other and so u feel uncomfortable.

[Teapigging]

I agree with those who have said that some people are in denial about subtle forms of racial 'othering' that go on quietly in an everyday basis, and I can understand why the OP is anxious.

I don't think anything in her post necessarily suggests ethnicity is an issue here. Having said that, I have recently moved from a diverse bit of London to a very white village near a city with a large population of ethnic minorities, and I am gobsmacked at the generalising, often negative comments by apparently benign, educated white people about 'the Asians'. Including the 'Asian driving' of non-village mothers dropping their kids off at the village school.

Good luck, OP. I hope your anxieties turn out to be groundless.

[beatricequimby]

'As a person of colour I think I do know when I am being blanked due to the colour of my skin.

Absolutely. Me too. And I am not sure if you can really get it if it doesn't ever happen to you. And yes I think children do notice skin colour and ethnicity. Not always but sometimes. They don't necessarily think about it in the same way as adults do but it can occasionally cause issues.

FWIW I was very keen that my mixed race children attend a diverse school. The way it has turned out they have been to two primaries, one very diverse, the other less so. Both have been absolutely fine. I think my desire for a very diverse school was based on my own school experiences in the 70s and 80s. But schools, and many peoples' attitudes have changed for the better since then so the likliehood is that things will be absolutely fine.

I also think that intial cliqueness is often based on kids having been to nursery together and this will stop being an issue over the coming year.

[mumandboys123]

you wanted a 'good' school? what did you look for, exactly? did you assume a 'good' school was one in a middle-class, home-owning area where there are plenty of educated parents, a good portion of mums able to do school runs and who are wearing Boden? or did you actually look at a cross-selection of local schools and make a choice based on what you considered best for your child.

In my experience, the best schools are rarely the ones that anyone wearing Boden whilst sporting a Phil and Teds would look twice at.