To think my daughter sticks out like sore thumb as do I?

[Bellybadge]

DD just started school, she is the only Asian child in her class and in the whole of reception I have only seen one other Asian child. She is a very chatty, outgoing little girl.

I am worried about her making friends because although she always tries to chat to the other children they very rarely acknowledge her, all the children in her class seem to know each other as do their mums. I see groups of children from her class playing together or running up to their friends at home time, she calls out to some of them or points them out me and waves at them, but again they ignore her.

I have tried being friendly with other mums during pick up and drop off, nothing over eager but friendly hello's and small talk but mostly they tend to ignore me too (very politely). Sometimes I have been blanked outright even though the other mum saw me smile or obviously heard me say hello or good morning. I don't know if it's because I'm Asian or because I'm not head to toe in Boden, pushing a phil and teds and rocking my large scarf and large satchel ( it's almost as if the parents are wearing a uniform too)

The school is a lot less diverse than I first thought, very white middle class, we wanted to send our child to a good school but I am now not sure we made the right decision and worry that I've just set up the next few years of her being friendless.

She hasn't said anything to me outright but I'm just worried for her. She had lots of friends at her private nursery but then her nursery was very diverse and had kids from many different backgrounds. Please feel free to tell me I'm being a prize berk and totally u.

[Driz]

Actually you do sound quite sneery. Maybe you are giving off that arrogant vibe in real life as well? So people find you hard to approach in the playground?

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

It's very early; nothing wrong in asking her who she played with and she she say with at lunch. If you are worried speak with her teacher.

As for the mums, you'll gradually get to know them a bit more a few parties over the next year and just don't expend a best friend tbh.

[3birthdaybunnies]

I found that at first - and much of it was because they all had older siblings - over2/3. Over the years the sibling ratio has decreased - and new parents have joined the playground. Make sure you always remember how this feels and pounce on new mums if a child joins the class - I try to and although don't click with everyone I like to think that it makes their lives a bit nicer until they find their feet - have also made some friends that way.

As for the existing parents, some of them are still a bit cliquey but you will get to civil terms with them if you adopt the smile and wave technique.

It is also worth looking to see which parents always stand together and which ones move from group to group (not necessarily on same day but one day will be talking to one parent and another day a different parent), the movers are probably a good starting point. Find out something you don't understand about the school yet - ideally not academic as that might be competitive. Something about pe kit, lunches, etc, hopefully your school is as disorganised as everyone else's so there is something to ask about - not the psa yet though. Ask one of the movers, hopefully she will be able to answer you or join in some shared confusion.

The other way of course is through your children. In about another week have a chat with the teacher, reassure yourself that she is settling and ask for a couple of names of children she plays with. My closest school parent friends are those of my children's best friends - my children picked first- nightmare doing it the other way round. If there are a couple of names ask your daughter to (quietly) indicate who they are and ask the parents if their child would like to come to play. If the parent is an old timer then the child will probably come alone (you pick them up from school), but when the parent collects them then invite them for coffee - though don't be offended if they have to dash back. If they are new to school too then invite the whole lot back - if their younger sibling is same age even better.

Younger siblings are another approach - ask someone with similar age toddler which year group they will be in, in many ways it makes sense to befriend these as they will still be collecting in years to come.

It does get easier, I get on better with dd2's class, although that is shifting a bit now. I haven't broken into any major cliques from dd1's class - but forming my own of movers and newbies.

Hope my massive post has been useful - oh and I think the race is v unlikely to be a problem, and the boden could be a small issue but probably only for those parents who are fairly shallow and not great friend material anyway (I.e.those who care more about what a person wears than what they are like), most boden wearers probably aren't like that.

[misdee]

I am in the same position. Dd2 started at the school in year 5 last year so I didn't do much waiting at the gates.

Dd4 started reception a few weeks ago, and I feel like the new kid again. I do stand out like a sore thumb though as ave bright orange hair, have lots of children with me, and often have dd5 on my back. Oh and ds (age 2) likes to wear headbands and ribbons in his hair.

[lisylisylou]

First of all I wouldn't know Boden if it came up and smacked me in the face haha!! The school run is sooo difficult isn't it? I think I would check with your dds teacher that she's settling in ok and tbh I think she probably is but to ask the school would then put your mind at ease. I'm not very good at people skills however I'm always the same and smile and say hello. I have found though I have probably 2-3 mothers that are friends but I'm not really interested in getting into the thick of the mothers as I don't want to get involved with the gossip stuff. Don't rush into it as then you can get the measure of the different mums. Instinct is usually right but just be careful that you're not projecting your worries onto your daughter. I had quite a few problems with my sons confidence during yr 1 and 2 and I found enrolling him into musical theatre classes after school was fantastic for him and my dd and they are buzzing and very LOUD all of the time haha!!! Also the beauty of after school activities is that you both get to meet other children and mothers. It all takes time and the school might be desperate for volunteers or the PTA. I know it's hard but hang back a year until year 1 - it really does take time - good luck x

[saintlyjimjams]

It sounds more as if you have joined a school where a lot of the children have come fr

[saintlyjimjams]

From the same pre-school.

IME (and we live in a pretty non-diverse area - although it's more cosmopolitan than it used to be) young children really don't notice race or colour. Mine never have.

Be warned though - one of mine told me he never played with anyone, but when I spied he was in the thick of it.

For various reasons I don't really do the school gates stuff & while that means I tend to get excluded from parent stuff in one class (the other class, same school was fine) it really hasn't affected the children at all.

[Twattybollocks]

It took my kids several weeks to start making friends at a new school, and it took me until Christmas to start having friendly conversations with other mums in the playground.
If people are blanking you because you aren't in the right clothes/class/cultural background, then they are the ones with a problem and I'd suggest that they really aren't people you would want as friends anyway.
They may just all be very good friends already due to knowing each other from preschool drop off etc and not even have noticed that you are standing on your own etc.

[Jaynebxl]

I would definitely get cracking with the play dates. No need to wait and see, just ask dd who she plays with at the moment and pick the ones with the least unfriendly mums. Then ask if you can arrange for them to come and play.

I'd also ask the teacher how she thinks things are going socially for your dd and explain your concerns.

[olaybiscuitbarrel]

I feel like that too, and I'm white British (and I do wear Boden sometimes!). Give it time. Most people are insecure and worried about speaking to new people that's why they stick with people they know. But over time they will thaw out I'm sure.
The kids especially will get to know each other through school activities and if it's a good school they will mix them up to avoid cliques.

[wigglesrock]

I think it takes well into the Halloween to Christmas term before I was on more than brief nodding terms with anyone when dd2 started school last year. It was much longer than that when my first child started school. People are always preoccupied waiting at school, I know I can have a pervading air of "don't irritate me" when in reality I'm desperately trying to think whose homework is slightly more important and do we have any glue sticks at home.

With my eldest daughter (we moved cities just before she started school) I found that I met more parents when she went to a class/club outside the school but that a lot of her peers went to. It's easier sometimes away from school.

I don't know anyone that did playdates until kids were in second year or so of school. To be honest they're not that big where I am in general, my kids play in the street. Playdates are hard for me to organise and reciprocate, I know there have been posters before who have been irritated unreasonably or upset because other parents haven't taken up the offer of coming around etc.

Kids are kids, usually they'll find their way, but it'll take them a few months.

[Bellybadge]

Yes driz yes, yes, my hellos and good mornings do have a sneery air of arrogance... sighs

[Bellybadge]

Thanks everyone, will take on board the calming down and see how it pans out thing/Play dates in a few weeks or maybe after half term. DD is my first child in school so it's all a bit of steep learning curve for me.

[OnaPromise]

My dd does a lot of 'bye so and so' at home time (she just started too) and some of them don't respond. Like someone else said, I think that's just little kids for you. They're too busy thinking about what biscuit they're going to have when they get home. I think the fact that she is pointing them out and waving is positive and means she has made some connection with them.

[Vatta]

Don't think op sounds sneery at all, she's just trying to explain her feeling of sticking out/not fitting in.

OP, I do think you should give it a bit more time in the new school, it just takes a while sometimes especially if some of the families already know each other.

[Idespair]

The school playground can be a minefield for adults sometimes. Forget about whether people are talking to you for the moment and focus on your dd. Once your dd makes friends, the parents of those friends will be interested in talking to you/arranging to play etc.

Children of this age are completely blind to skin colour if you think that's why your dd stands out. Your dd will make friends but if some of these kids ave been playing with eachother since they were tiny and others may know eachother through older siblings then initially your dd will look less popular. Children find their own friends though, they won't stick with the ones their parents or siblings found for them because even at this young age, they know their own minds. My ds went to nursery at 3 and until then had been living quite an insular life with me and not socialising at all apart from with family (I had been ill). He made friends with an Asian boy, who almost 5 years later is still his best friend. It was only after being friends for four years that he actually realised his friend was a different race to him and asked me why.

So don't panic it's very early days and likely your dd will be a popular little girl. And don't think about clothing labels either - children don't care. Some adults do but they're best avoided anyway.

[christinarossetti]

I think it's a bit sneery and arrogant of posters to call you sneer and arrogant when you're so clearly not.

I see exactly where you're coming from but in regard to your dd making friends yy to giving if a bit longer and seeing who your dd makes friends with.

In regard to the lack of diversity in the school... I can see that this isn't ideal in many ways but as time goes on hopefully you'll be able to make friends with individuals and the mob effect will wear off.

Pp is probably eight about older siblings in the school having already created friendship group. These will evolve over time.

[GrandstandingBlueTit]

OP, you don't come across as sneery an arrogant at all; rather observing and describing the situation, so that we get a picture.

Please don't be upset by the usual get-the-boot-in AIBU responses, and take heart from the kinder people on the thread.

[EstelleGetty]

I don't think Belly sounds sneery. She sounds hurt. Give her a break.

As other posters have said, Belly, just give it time. Your DD sounds great and I'm sure she won't be short of friends soon.

[Dilidali]

Boden and Joules uniformed mother here ( and I do like my oversized scarves, too): Hello!

I'm not that scary, I am a right laugh once you get to know me. If I scowl is because I am extremely short sighted :)

I don't see past the fact you're one of the mums, we just haven't been introduced yet. I am waiting to see if our children would do it, because otherwise it would be a bit ackward, doesn't mean I would walk past yoi, I'd still smile and say good morning.
The people I am enthusiastically hugging and chatting to are the mums from the nursery, people I met through work/classes/playground when we were still very fresh mums and had no idea when to wean etc. it doesn't mean you're not welcomed in our group.
If I say a quick hello and then rush to my car it's because I am late for work/dropping the car to the garage/got family coming round for dinner and I need to cook and clean etc.
If I say my DD can't come for a playdate this week, that's all I mean, she's either been playing up at bed times/had a busy week/I am still checking her for headlice.
Sometimes I just grab the keys and run to drop her off, I might not have the diary with me, so I might be a bit vague.

If you see a group of us walking off together for a morning coffee is either because we just realised we had time for one, or because it is someone's birthday, or someone had a bereavement/birth/moved house and we're just plotting support.

Every term we have a meal out/drinks and everybody is invited. Don't be shy, say you'll come if you're not at work, it's not us against newcomers and we won't spend the night ignoring you talking over your head. We'd genuinely like you to join us. Some will use the opportunity to brag mercilessly, let it wash over you, we too think it's awkward and we're not feeling compelled to compete, we'll just try to steer the conversation towards something else.

We also chat about books, holidays, best place to have a decent haircut, headlice, threadworms/impetigo/cars being damned, you know, normal stuff. Join in :)

[McNewPants2013]

My DD just started reception and she hasn't made many new friends, the friends she has got are the ones from the attached nursery.

Did your child go to the attached nursery.

[kungfupannda]

Young children don't seem to notice skin colour, so I'd be very surprised if that is an issue in relation to your DD making friends. In some ways, being the only child of a particular ethnic group might make it easier, particularly as she gets older. In mixed ethnic groups, you sometimes seem to get the expectation that people, whether children or adults, from the same ethnic background will somehow miraculously have lots of things in common and want to hang out together.

DS's school is very white and pretty middle class. There is one non-white child in the whole of reception, and there was one non-white child in his pre-school. I haven't noticed those children being excluded in any way, and I know for a fact that DS never even registered the pre-school boy being a different skin colour to him, because when he first started talking about him by name, I got an extremely convoluted description of what he looked like, lacking that fairly key piece of descriptive information, which led me to be firmly convinced he was a completely different, white, blonde-haired, child.

I don't think you sound arrogant, OP, but I do see where the "sneery" allegations are coming from. I don't think for one minute that you meant to come across that way, but it is fairly common to see posts about this sort of thing which are effectively saying "everyone else is a particular kind of person and I'm different." It's pretty rare to find a large group of people who all act and think exactly the same way - everyone is an individual - so it often does sound as though the person thinks they're the unique one and everyone else is just a sheep.

I'd just persevere - as I say, everyone is different and there are bound to be some people you like once you get to know them.

[Barbabeau]

My DD has just started reception and so far she's talked about the kids she went to pre-school with and that's whose parents we've talked to as well. Not because we're unfriendly - we're smiling and saying hellos to other people - but just because we know them to have a chat about how the first week has been.

I think she's mixing more in class and playing with other kids based on what she's said but she's just getting to know them.

It will be the same with us. I think most people are quite nervous when their child first starts and people will warm up as time goes by.

[PoppyWearer]

You're over thinking it and being Asian has nothing to do with it.

Our school is much like the one you describe, a very "white" area (which TBH I hadn't realised until I started the school run) but children don't notice such things as skin colour or clothes.

As it happens, the first mum I spoke to at the school gates when my DD started last year was the one Asian mum. She is now a good friend, and our DCs are good friends too.

I would advise backing off a bit, it's new for everyone, and it wasn't until after half term that friendships began to evolve both between the children and parents. It's also a bit like fresher's week at university - you might not want to get saddled with the first person you talk to for the rest of term. I got lucky!

Make sure you do take part in play dates and go to social events for the parents when the time comes. Having a few drinks with the other mums is a great way to break down any barriers.