To think my daughter sticks out like sore thumb as do I?

[Bellybadge]

DD just started school, she is the only Asian child in her class and in the whole of reception I have only seen one other Asian child. She is a very chatty, outgoing little girl.

I am worried about her making friends because although she always tries to chat to the other children they very rarely acknowledge her, all the children in her class seem to know each other as do their mums. I see groups of children from her class playing together or running up to their friends at home time, she calls out to some of them or points them out me and waves at them, but again they ignore her.

I have tried being friendly with other mums during pick up and drop off, nothing over eager but friendly hello's and small talk but mostly they tend to ignore me too (very politely). Sometimes I have been blanked outright even though the other mum saw me smile or obviously heard me say hello or good morning. I don't know if it's because I'm Asian or because I'm not head to toe in Boden, pushing a phil and teds and rocking my large scarf and large satchel ( it's almost as if the parents are wearing a uniform too)

The school is a lot less diverse than I first thought, very white middle class, we wanted to send our child to a good school but I am now not sure we made the right decision and worry that I've just set up the next few years of her being friendless.

She hasn't said anything to me outright but I'm just worried for her. She had lots of friends at her private nursery but then her nursery was very diverse and had kids from many different backgrounds. Please feel free to tell me I'm being a prize berk and totally u.

[oohdaddypig]

You don't sound sneery to me OP.

If a lot of the kids are from the same pre-school I think this just needs time. Your DD sounds lovely and that she will soon make friends.

I think some school gate mums can be sneery if you aren't a certain "type". But they are in the minority. I think if you smile and are approachable you will soon get chatting to the ones who are worth knowing, boden or otherwise.

I do agree that some boden is a uniform!

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Agrees with Dilidali and Kung. The playground you describe sounds just like my DC's albeit 13 years ago. That army of mothers are probably as insecure as you are but they know a few people and are overcompensating. Stand a bit closer, smile, say hello and remember they have their own pressures too which probably include getting out of the house with three under sixes and rushing to the doctors, etc. Some of them might even feel a bit awkward about approaching you too even though they want to. Give it some time and take it steadily.

Something that might help too is to get involved with the school and slowly but surely become known as someone to rely on; go to the PTA meetings and volunteer to help with reading - your dd will love that too. And remember it's the first few weeks, some of those mothers will be worrying about fitting into the Boden herd and making extra effort in the mornings (it's what British women do sadly; esp. middle class ones) but that will wear off and soon you'll be seeing them without make-up when they have been up all night with a wee one. Remember too that although the first PTA meeting will be crammed with newbies, the next one will have fewer and the next fewer still and you could make sound friends from what becomes a secure core who care about the school and everyone's children.

If it's really like our old school you might also find that gradually some of those white children move away or transfer to other schools and the children who replace them are likely to be more like your dd. It's what happened at our old school and was never a problem with the children although it was hard to encourage some of the mums to integrate and rather sad in many ways.

[AmberLeaf]

You don't sound sneery.

I agree with MrsDevere that some people just refuse to acknowledge that things lie this can happen because of a persons race.

But I would still say to give it time. It is early days yet.

[notanyanymore]

Does your DD seem to be enjoying it? Mines just started too and after 2 weeks I now avoid looking! She seemed to be trying to be friendly and being ignored, but actually I think it was me being hyper sensitive and actually she's doing just fine (I noticed yesterday another little girl shouting 'its DD' and jumping up and down waving, this is the same little girl I thought had been 'slighting' her in the morning, DD was totally oblivious to all of it!)
I think its hard to judge by watching playground interactions at pick up/drop off times as the children are distracted and they're only little. For now, don't read to much into it. As long as she seems happy and is happy to speak to you about her day.
My school is very little, I don't think the parents are cliquey, but at the same time I haven't made much effort to speak to anyone. I doubt it'll effect your DD's friendships as she'll make friends with whoever she wants to, and then you'll have a chance to get to know those parents abit more.

[Doubtfuldaphne]

I never really fitted in with the cliques at the school gates but I didn't care.. I didn't want all the school gate politics that came with it anyway I just kept myself to myself.
As its still early days I would t worry too much about your daughter. You could ask her teacher how she's getting on though. My dh is Asian and was the only Asian person in the school when he was growing up. He was in a small group of friends who still stick together now and they're in their 40's!

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

I really don't believe that children of 4 and 5 would exclude a child on any basis really, but especially not skin colour. The teachers wouldn't allow it either. My DS has just started school and I've made eye contact /smiled at quite a few parents and about half have blanked me. I don't think it's rudeness, I think it's probably shyness or just not what they were expecting so they don't have time to react appropriately iyswim.

I do understand the worry though, my DS is mixed heritage with a v foreign name though he looks white and I was a bit worried as my area is v white, though it's a mix of working and middle class. There aren't many BME kids. It can be a worry

[teatimesthree]

You sound great, OP! I don't know where people are getting the 'sneery' thing from.

I agree with the other posters saying 'give it time', but I also agree that you are not irrational to mention/worry about your DD being in the minority. In your shoes I would feel exactly the same.

I also think it's absolute rubbish to say that kids that age don't notice ethnicity. My DD is white but does to a very mixed inner city school. There have been a number of incidents in reception where ethnicity has been an issue - often children saying things they perhaps didn't mean/didn't understand (e.g. you can't be my friend, your skin is too dark), but nevertheless very upsetting for all concerned.

So I don't think you are overthinking it at all - although I agree that reception children ignoring each other etc. is par for the course. DD was in Reception last year and the friendship groups took almost the whole year to settle down.

[BumbleChum]

I wear Boden and have a very battered Phil and Ted.

I'm nice and friendly though though a bit harassed, don't exclude me on appearances!

[WildAndWoolly]

I know what it's like, when my son first started going to school it was very difficult, not least because he has ASD (in the process of being diagnosed at the time) so would have meltdowns when he first started so we stuck out for all the wrong reasons.

However, I helped out at PTA do's and started talking to people there (in between working) and once I started I found that there are plenty of nice Mums there who were just as stymied by the playground stuff as I was and more than happy to make friends.

Most people are nice, and friendly (although there are always some..) and probably trying to find a way to connect with you too. It is really hard though at first! Can you throw a party for your daughter and invite the class? It would be a way for both of you to get to know people. I've heard of birthday parties, halloween parties, moving in parties (any excuse).

Hope it feels better soon!

[Wellwobbly]

Belly, be patient.

This happened to me, and it was so lonely at first. But now, they are good friends.

[Allegrogirl]

I felt like this when DD started school and I'm white. School is mainly white with a mix of many European countries, Chinese, Asian and Black. Unusual for the South West. School doesn't have a preschool attached but lots of friendship groups from the local church hall preschools and the ethnic groups buddy up as they have an obvious thing in common.

I have helped with PTA events a couple of times when work allows and joined a book group. In year 1 and I now have lots of people to say hello to in the playground but my closest friends are still from NCT/babygroup days. I'm sure if I was a SAHM I would have formed stronger friendships. It can take time. Funnily enough DD's best friend's mum is a SAHM but feels excluded as she is single. I don't get that at all as the school is an huge mix of backgrounds and circumstances. I think if you're feeling left out of a group you look for things about yourself that may explain it.

[BlingBang]

They probably know each other from preschool and having older children already at the school. Just show that you are friendly. I think there can be a perception that some Asian mums/families might not want to mix but socialise within their own community or ethnic group - if you get chatting or invite some child over to play then they will see this is obviously not the case. I've been the new mum in the playground and it can take time.

[FreudiansSlipper]

maybe those who think the op is being sneery do not have children at a school where it is very cliquey and their is an air of fitting in

i am not in with the mums. i am a single mother and ds is the only single parent child in his class. the uniform of the parents, where they go on holiday etc is all very much part of fitting in with others. there maybe some who think that you will want to keep yourself to yourself because you are asian and you will have to show them otherwise little ridiculous in 2013

[mattsmadmum]

similar thing happened to me-five years of hell-leave now before your child is damaged-you dont need the grief

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

Matts mum brilliant advice there

[motherinferior]

I understand where you're coming from - agree totally with MrsDV on that - but do give it time: I felt like this, oddly enough, with my second child, where I did know the school but the other kids in her year had all been at nursery together (or so it seemed).

I have to say I wouldn't like a school so lacking in diversity - not least because my kids have a complicated multi-ethnic background.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

OP you do seem to focus on what they wear/have too much. Ignore this.

I dress like I had a fight with a jumble sale and the other mums don't seem to care.

Children do form quite close knit groups, so it may take a couple of weeks for your DD to be welcomed into a group. I wouldn't worry though, children are very accepting and tend to not come with preconceptions about race, gender, religion.

As for the other mums, also just give it time. Pick up and drop off is a busy stressful time, so people aren't always looking to stand around chatting.

Birthday parties are a good way to get to know people I think. Or the mums from my school go for drinks together every so often so we can get to know each other better.

[GrassIsntGreener]

I haven't read the replies but thought I'd comment.

My daughter has started school, very similar set-up, white middle-class primarily. Just because it's the area we live in tbh not because of who the school attracts. Small rural village setting.

There is a child in dd's class who has Indian parents. She is a lovely girl so I'd like my dd to be friends with her but you know...can't really pick her friends anymore! Anyway...when I've mentioned her to dd she's told me that the girl is nice, but she is a bit different to her. Asking what makes her different, dd states her brown skin. So okay...I've told her it's no big deal some people have different colour skin to us (we are not a diverse area at all). I've left it at that.

I feel I'm in a situation where I shouldn't keep talking about it. I don't want to keep going on about nationalities, race, origin etc because I really don't want it to even be something she thinks about. I'm just waiting for her to get to know the girl and see if they have common interests, talk to each other, then she won't even notice the skin colour she'll just see the girl as another little girl!

Sorry, I've completely rambled and possibly make no sense at all - just thought I'd put my view over from the other perspective.

I don't fit in with the middle-class mums either! I talk to everyone though, I don't wear Boden, drive a nice new big car or go sailing/to dressage at the weekends (more likely to find me at a car boot) but I still find I have other things in common with those who do.

[babywipesaremagic]

I felt a bit like this when ds1 started reception. Would it be an option for you to help out in your dd's class (hearing readers, crafts etc) that way you will see that your dd is settling in fine and will become 'known' to the kids who will mention you to parents.

I've found that at that age mummy helping in class is really cool from dc's pov.

[Amrapaali]

I have the exact opposite problem. I tend to heave a sigh of relief if people don't talk to me. I am Asian and also painfully, excruciatingly shy. So I tend to stand alone with eyes down, hopefully giving off a vibe of "Please dont talk to me-I'll gibber like an idiot or stand there gawping". It actually comes across as a very arrogant veneer, but I am not.... I am also aware of my accent, as i didnt grow up here and it makes me a bit self conscious.

But in all these four years of school runs, no one has ever come up to me and said Hello. I thought it was just me, but another Asian acquaintance is so chatty, she is a helper TA at school, knows many mums and still stands to a corner, excluded from the quiches. Race may be a part of it, maybe not. Or just a wariness of the unknown. It is what it is (shrug)

Sorry, rambling and no concrete suggestions....

And a PP said, "there is a perception that Asian mums socialise within their own community". I am more gregarious with other Asian mums because we share a cultural shorthand, so it is very easy to "get" where they are coming from. That is all, nothing more.

[DisAstrophe]

Some kids can be prejudiced at that age though hopefully the op's dd isn't experiencing this. My niece was appalling with this and my sil was beside herself. Despite us being a very diverse family she said she didn't play with children with dark brown skin! She was also terrified of children with SEN. Again this was tough for her parents as my ds has autism and severe delays. Strangely she has always adored my ds.

She got over it pretty quick with some sensitive handling by sil. I'm not sure whether her prejudice was innate or other kids encouraged it. Certainly at my kids school I've pulled up a couple of parents on some dodgy racist remarks - doncha just hate it when people assume you share their disgusting ideas!

Anyway my rambling was to say that actually op should be slightly on guard about prejudice from parents and kids. Sadly not everyone is a lovely as most mnetters.

[mrsjay]

you are being sneery about the other mums and how the ^rock up to school you have just started going to the playground I am sure your daughter will settle in soon and make friendds it takes time did she go to preschool with any of these kids, and tbh I was never over friendly with school mums i would drop dds off and go home, always smile and say hello, I don't think it is because you are Asian I tjhink it is because you are new , we didnt have a very diverse school and people were always friendly with each other regardless of colour, just not everybody had huge group of friends,

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

So much if what seems like quichiness or stuck up ness is shyness I think. Amrapaali says she keeps her head down and gives off a don't talk to me vibe - that's why nobody goes and says hello, because most other people feel a bit shy too! There's really nothing more to it most of the time.

Of course some people are racist/snobbish/prejudiced and that will be happening with some. But most aren't.