DD just started school, she is the only Asian child in her class and in the whole of reception I have only seen one other Asian child. She is a very chatty, outgoing little girl.
I am worried about her making friends because although she always tries to chat to the other children they very rarely acknowledge her, all the children in her class seem to know each other as do their mums. I see groups of children from her class playing together or running up to their friends at home time, she calls out to some of them or points them out me and waves at them, but again they ignore her.
I have tried being friendly with other mums during pick up and drop off, nothing over eager but friendly hello's and small talk but mostly they tend to ignore me too (very politely). Sometimes I have been blanked outright even though the other mum saw me smile or obviously heard me say hello or good morning. I don't know if it's because I'm Asian or because I'm not head to toe in Boden, pushing a phil and teds and rocking my large scarf and large satchel ( it's almost as if the parents are wearing a uniform too)
The school is a lot less diverse than I first thought, very white middle class, we wanted to send our child to a good school but I am now not sure we made the right decision and worry that I've just set up the next few years of her being friendless.
She hasn't said anything to me outright but I'm just worried for her. She had lots of friends at her private nursery but then her nursery was very diverse and had kids from many different backgrounds. Please feel free to tell me I'm being a prize berk and totally u.
AIBU?
To think my daughter sticks out like sore thumb as do I?
Bellybadge · 20/09/2013 00:15
When my DD ( 6) started reception I didn't know anyone. Every drop off and pick up I just stood there on my own. 
It was awful for about a month, then I went to a school fayre, and got chatting to another mum. Now I have 4 really good mum friends and I'm happy with that.
Give it time its still early days. 
.Plenty of mothers at our primary school wear Boden - not just white ones! As somebody else said, it's about what's easy. Boden make it easy, shopping online is easy, delivery service is good, there's a 90-day return policy and the clothes wash well and can be tumble-dried. I probably do wear Boden as a kind of uniform, just because it saves thinking...
Whilst the whole Boden thing is really tangential to your OP, the principle at stake's the same. The other mothers are probably not racist in any way (though obvs I'm not there, don't know for sure) but they probably are tired, time-pressured and taking the easy/lazy approach. If they've all known each other from pre-school, it's so much easier just to carry on chatting to the people they know.
Don't forget that pretty much every mother will be concerned about her 4yo starting school for the first time, whether or not they've been to pre-school. They'll be worried about the lunches, about the long days, about whether their child is making friends, about whether the other kids are ahead in various ways, about whether their own child can be relied upon to go to the loo in time, etc... And nervousness is going to make everyone seek security in the certainties of what they do know.
It's hard on you, but I think you're going to have to make a little bit of extra effort. Smiling and saying hello shows you're friendly but doesn't necessarily show that you want to make friends. What do you think you'd tell your DD to do in a similar situation? If she saw a group of children playing together and wanted to join in, would you advise her to stand a little way back and smile/say hello when they passed, or would you suggest ways of being more proactive?
Given that all the mothers will be really focused on their kids, maybe a way in would be to earmark a group of women you like the look of (maybe check out their faces as well as their clothes and buggies ), and go up to one or two of them and ask how their DC are settling in. If you think that may be too controversial (eg their child has been seen crying) go for a safe topic - are their DC having school lunches? Do they like them, are they eating anything? Someone's bound to have a fussy eater or a story of how their PFB came home having eaten just pizza, chips, pasta and chocolate cake (my DD!) and everyone else will join in. Or ask if anyone's DC is actually telling them anything about what happened that day at school...
If you find that you're overwhelmed by the mass of uniformity, try turning up early. If you're the first one there for a couple of days you can pick off parents one by one as they arrive. It'll be a lot easier in the next week or so than after half term.
Good luck!
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2 points for you:
- we are not exactly in a multi cultural area, I can count the amount of Asian families with children at our primary school on 2 fingers. When I see the children at pick up and drop off they're surrounded by friends, just like everyone else. My DD has a little crush on one of the boys btw
- I get ignored by most of the Mums too, for no other reason except the all have their own little groups they automatically fall into in the playground. (No Boden or Phil and Teds here, it's more of a 'look at my second hand bargain type of place!)
What happens to you isn't a reflection on what will happen to your children, please try not to worry too much, she will make her own friends in her own time.
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