to wonder why gentle parents are often anything but?

[ohforblardysake]

I breastfeed, use cloth nappies, co sleep, baby led wean, etc etc. It's what feels right for me but I recognise that everyone does it differently and what works for one doesn't work for everyone.

I joined a few gentle parenting sites on Facebook and have one by one unliked them over the last few months as they are all so horrible! I hoped to see from them just posts and articles about things that interest me in terms of bfing, cosleeping,etc, but instead they are just judgey and horrible.

One recently had a thread absolutely slating women who have pain relief in childbirth. Another full of women going on about how they are having unassisted births and laughing at those who have hospital births as stupid scared,and hoodwinked and not understanding how birth REALLY works. The latest one full of horrible crap about formula feeding, here

www.facebook.com/pages/The-Alpha-Parent/168640486536470

There is nothing gentle about any of them - they are judgey, spiteful and nasty. Feel quite disillusioned!

[midori1999]

I think the problem, OP, is that 'The Alpha Parent' is not a gentle parenting group at all. It started as a blog and the blog writer now also has a Facebook page. The clue is in the name...

I am a member of one 'gentle parenting' Facebook page and none of the mentioned bitching or nastiness goes on. Perhaps as its a smallish, 'secret' group so only those invited can find it and they have to be recommended by someone?

[DuelingFanjo]

Wasn't there a thread exactly the same a few weeks ago?

[DuelingFanjo]

here

[DuelingFanjo]

Actually I meant this one.

[thebody]

what's gentle parenting?

genuine question.

4 kids and we are late 40s. baffled by the term.

[Saffyz]

They're fundamentalist about their views, which gives normal parents who've chosen those options a bad name.

[Rolypolyroll]

Agree it's not really a 'gentle parenting' site. Moto 'the snobby side of parenting'. FFS.

[Rolypolyroll]

Duelling - there was another that went for pages too.

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

I am in the local gentle parenting group. Alpha Parents is not a GP/AP site.

In our group we have breast and bottle feeders, sling wearers and pram users, hospital and home births all parents and other interested parties, grand parents etc, are welcome.

In the main Gentle Parents do not use harsh discipline techniques, such as the naughty step or time out - things that exclude a child for their behaviour and do not use controlled crying or cry it out techniques and absolutely no smacking, our group welcome those who have used those techniques and seek better methods.

There is no bitchiness and judging, in fact quite the opposite.

The one divisive topic is vaccination, so we don't chat about that.

I have had the most horrendous 20 months and this group has literally saved my sanity. Its about seeing children as people with views and feelings, and not wanting to train their emotions out of them.

[namechangeforareasonablereason]

A blog such as this would be more reflective of gentle parenting.

here

[ohforblardysake]

and this one probably isn't too gentle but is very funny and I love it.
www.scarymommy.com/

[mrsjay]

what's gentle parenting?

genuine question.

4 kids and we are late 40s. baffled by the term.
I think it is where you do not shout and allow your child do grow and develop at their own pace whilst loving them and trying to be placid and kind,

a parent minus the cross face then

early 40s 2 grown up (almost) dds so glad there was no parenting styles when mine were babies,

[mrsjay]

I have just clicked the link and i have just seen a friend has liked this page I am a wee bit about it because i couldn't see the friend being involved with anything that is so harsh and down right abusive

[PenelopePipPop]

That Alpha Parent page has to be a wind-up no? It is clearly written by a divorced 36 year old called Joel who lives in Austin Tx, works as a software engineer and only sees his 4 year old son Finn once a month because it takes so long to drive to Baltimore where his ex now lives very happily with her new girlfriend who lets Finn eat MacDonalds and watch the Disney channel for hours on end.

He writes it because he hates his ex so much for taking Finn away from him. So he wants every woman in the world to feel as shit about their parenting choices as he wants his ex to feel about herself. The tragedy being that now she isn't with Joel she feels just fine, and couldn't give a flying fuck about baby milk.

[mrsjay]

nope it isn't I have been reading the facebook page like this horrible comments and really bizarre and sinister views

[Charlottehere]

I too have breast fed, co-slept, carry DS in a sling often, had one water birth etc but that's MY choice. They are twunts.

I also have and do formula feed, had three hospital births, 2 fully drugged up , put DS in his cot to sleep if he will settle, mostly MY choice again apart from DS's birth...wanted to have him at home but had diabetes.

[mrsjay]

actually reading some of the comments some of the women give the alpha mummy a pasting so maybe people liking the page is a good thing although If they dont agree with her ethos why do they like the page at all

[Charlottehere]

Meant to say one water home birth.

[TheBigJessie]

SaucyJack has it in one:

What else do you expect? If they feel strongly enough about a perceived parenting style to want to spend all day on Fuckbook blithering on about it, then I doubt their opinions are going to be particularly moderate.

[Therealamandaclarke]

The thing is that some aspects of "parenting" are choices (approaches to weaning, types of nappies) and some might not be.
A woman might choose to have a home water birth and because of obstetric complications end up with an instrumental hospital delivery.
A woman might choose to ff, or she might choose to bf and find that for whatever reason, she ends up ff her baby.
It's so pointless to vehemently criticise someone on the basis of what type of nappy they use. It's like devoting a forum to slating each other's choice of skinny or boot cut jeans.
And it's so unkind, verging on cruel, to be critical about he method by which a baby is born. Given what I said above. IMHO.
There was a thread not so long ago where some posters were being derisive about the size of other ppl's changing bag. FFS. Will we never learn? What the hell is that all about?

[Therealamandaclarke]

Think some of it is driven by evert islets. I have a selection of prams and slings. When I was shopping online for my first sling (which I loved- oh those early baby weeks) I felt like I was being enticed into a new religion. There was so much waffle that had nothing to do with informing me about the product (laundry temp or max baby weight) and everything to do with selling a lifestyle of baby wearing.
Formula adverts ate all about lifestyle. Subtle image changes in the C&G one "hint" at ff being the choice if you want to be you get and have more energy and not be shackled to your baby. The SMA one has a different message but it's all there, under the surface. I reckon we're being sold much of our attitude by manufacturers and marketing and it serves only to unline our pockets and turn us against each other.

[Therealamandaclarke]

evert islets ?
Advertisers. Sorry.

[Kamchatka]

It's about powerlessness.

You have your first baby and the feeling of powerlessness hits you like a brick. You have no autonomy all of a sudden, chances are your partner is out working and carrying on as normal, your past life continues without you, your brain is in tatters from hormones and lack of sleep...Who knows.

You need a bit of control. Feeding a baby becomes about control, birth choices, nappies, your kit, your environment: you can control all these things, and virtually nothing else. It incenses you to see people doing things differently because YOU have found the way to make it all good again, and how dare they challenge that? A laid-back parent who has decided that disposable nappies are great when you have gone to the trouble of sourcing an organic hemp nappy system and are doing five loads of washing a day: that is a challenge to what has become the only way you can assert yourself now. If someone doesn't see that the hours and hours that YOU put into breastfeeding are worth something dammit (perhaps by flagellating themselves regularly, or posting sad threads about how they have 'failed', as it is also known) then it feels like a personal attack on YOU and anyway there's a ton of skewed literature to back you up, isn't there? (Yes, but it is propaganda.)

So you cling to what you wrongly perceive as your power and prestige, and every refusal to go along with you makes you angry. But because you are trained not to show anger, and perhaps you don't understand that this anger is misplaced anyway, you channel it in the form of snippy, perhaps humorous but actually nasty and triggering comments to strangers on the internet.

[ShowOfHands]

Oh lordy, they band together and hunt in packs do they? How interesting.

I'm about as hippy as they come. I'm made mainly of patchwork and reek of patchouli and knit my own muesli for breakfast.

But I have just had to hide somebody on FB for precisely this sort of tripe. She's just had her first baby, natural delivery and no drugs. Lucky lady, she enjoyed it, baby is well, I congratulated her. She's gone totally mad. If she'd posted any more links or any more statuses about how all babies deserve a mother who makes the effort to birth naturally and to say no to intervention, I'd have Said Something. Did you know that in this day and age, there's no reason to ever need a cs. We're damaging our babies by consenting to them and we just need to be stronger. I mean my emcs were because I had an undiagnosed problem with my pelvis which made birthing a baby vaginally impossible. But if I'd cared more, if I were stronger, presumably I'd have attempted some DIY orthopaedic surgery at the point my babies became wedged in my misshapen pelvis. It's only what they deserve.

I'm just resolved now to believe that people in any parenting camp can be ignorant or lacking in common sense. If they don't understand that people are different and choices are precisely that, then who am I to challenge the fabric of their existence. I like that they're banding together though. It's easier to ringfence them.