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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or a mean wife about DH's friend and friend's GF staying over and not leaving with DH in the morning on my one-off me-day day off?

66 replies

SybilRamkin · 19/09/2013 13:14

DH's friend asked last week if he and his GF could stay over at ours this evening. They're from another EU country, over visiting friends in another city, but as we live in London where their flights are going from it's more convenient and free if they stay with us the night before they go home.

A few weeks ago I booked a day off work for tomorrow, not to go anywhere but to have a lie-in, laze in the bath reading a book, paint my toenails, eat cake and generally not do anything of any importance. I've been working really really long hours over a particularly busy period at work, and I just wanted one day to have the house to myself and be totally lazy. I very rarely get to do this, as although DH and I don't yet have DC we're very busy at the weekend and evenings - the next month is booked solid.

DH told his friend that he could of course come to stay (without consulting me), and has told him that they can leave whenever they want on Friday as I'll be around so they don't have to leave at the crack of dawn like they would have had to if we'd both been working. I was really peeved about this, and told him that he's effectively ruined my day off - I wanted to lie in and then laze about in my nightie, which I certainly won't be able to do with strangers in the house wanting showers and breakfast. He thinks IABU, and I can just book another day off (I could, but it would be in a few weeks' time and I'm tired NOW), and that they won't be much trouble and will potter about without input from me.

However, that's not the point! I don't want anyone in the house on my 'me' day, not even DH, and I certainly don't want to deal with DH's friend (whom I dislike anyway) and his GF (whom I don't know). I want to be alone and selfish and lazy for one day - is that too much to ask? I've already cooked them a meal, washed and ironed their bed linen, made up the beds in the spare room, and will then have to wash the linen again after they leave - i.e. enough!

So, who is BU? DH or me? And, more importantly, how can I get them out of my house in the morning?!

OP posts:
HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 19/09/2013 14:17

Don't even think about making beds or food. They can have a takeaway or whatever.

Book yourself into a nice hotel for the night, room service and a manicure or whatever and lie in as long as you fancy.

Breezy note, so soz to miss you both, long standing arrangement, must buy DH a diary!! How you have a lovely catch-up, Indian menu in the drawer. Safe flights home!

Dubjackeen · 19/09/2013 14:17

Kick them out early. Book yourself something nice in the morning, or go and have a nice breakfast somewhere, then home and enjoy the day. Let DH sort out the room after them. Maybe he won't be as quick to invite next time!

Tailtwister · 19/09/2013 14:17

YANBU, I would feel the same way. It's not relaxing to have people staying over and you will feel obligated to entertain them. He should have asked you before he offered. If he had done you would have said no!

burberryqueen · 19/09/2013 14:20

agree with fluffyraggies what if the tables were tturned?

StuntGirl · 19/09/2013 14:25

YANBU to object to this being thrust upon you, but YABU to try and do something about it at the eleventh hour. Any chance work will swap your day off for a day next week?

MrsOakenshield · 19/09/2013 14:26

if possible could you take Monday off instead?

if not, your DH does everything, and tells them to shift by 9 as you have an appointment. He gets to see his friend, you get your day.

Of course it's his house too, but I wouldn't invite someone to stay over without checking with DH first - if he'd done that he would have been reminded about the OP's day off and a compromise could have been reached. He didn't so he can sort it.

If the tables were turned - exactly the same. Why any different?

Lweji · 19/09/2013 14:26

Or tell them you are going to work after all, then come back home after they leave.

ZutAlorsDidier · 19/09/2013 14:28

Your dh definitely needs to look after them in the morning, and they must leave with him. It needs to be as if you weren't there, ie, not just "they must leave by 9am" because by 9am they will already have harshed your mellow.

You must make dh see that this must happen and you must make dh communicate this and not give you the horrible job of being bad guy either.

However. As a million posters have said, you shouldn't have to do all the housework around guests either. Now you have, you can't take it back but you must arrange some reciprocity. Make dh do something equivalent in the next week (has to be immediate, like dogs and toddlers) - maybe change all your bedlinen and clean the bathroom or something. You MUST if you are going to have a decent life with this man. Yes it is his house too, yes he can invite guests, but this situation reeks of him treating you like the staff - including expecting you to be around to serve breakfast, check them out with a smile and ask them if they enjoyed their stay.

Are you planning to have dcs at any stage? Sort this NOW.

NatashaBee · 19/09/2013 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmyview · 19/09/2013 14:33

I think YABU and a bit of a martyr. If we have visitors when we've been busy, I quite often put out bedlinen for them to make their own beds & ask them to strip the beds before they leave. You could have a takeaway or supermarket pizza - no need to cook a full meal. In the morning, you could do your own thing and ask them to lock the door as they leave and put the key through the letter box. If they're your DH's friends and they're just using you as a base, they won't be huffy if they don't get 5* hospitality

Petal02 · 19/09/2013 14:37

justmyview you're missing the point. Even if the OP were to leave the visitors to 'do their own thing' in the morning, their presence in the house will prevent the OP being able to relax and 'do her own thing.' Even if she didn't have to lift a finger, just having them in the house will spoil her day.

oldgrandmama · 19/09/2013 14:41

Tell them to go out to some local caff for breakfast.

NatashaBee · 19/09/2013 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SybilRamkin · 19/09/2013 14:59

Thanks for all the replies, v helpful.

I suppose I'm being selfish, in fact I know I am, but I just really wanted a day on my own as Petal03 said. So I want to be able to faff about, lounge on the sofa watching stupid telly, hog the bathroom etc.

I can't get them out by 9am unless I actually get up, get dressed and leave too - which I had no intention of doing, as I hadn't planned to get dressed till at least 11. But perhaps this is better than having my lie-in/sofa-time disturbed by people pottering about the house.

I've already done the housework, but agree that I'll make him do our bed at the weekend (normally something I do)! AND make me a nice dinner for when I come back from a night away on Sunday!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 19/09/2013 15:01

I can't believe my old friend Sam Vimes would be so selfish. Grin

Meanwhile in RL, find out when their flight is. It all hinges on that. You are not being selfish.

diddl · 19/09/2013 15:03

"I can't get them out by 9am unless I actually get up, get dressed and leave too "

Why not?-or tell your husband that they'll have to get up & leave with him?

MarysDressSways · 19/09/2013 15:07

Tell them you do actually have work, get up and leave (with them), go and have a coffee, then come back home and get back into bed. It's the only way!

Lweji · 19/09/2013 15:10

Or just stay in bed, after your DH takes you breakfast in bed, and tell them the previous night to close the door after them.

diddl · 19/09/2013 15:15

But surely OP doesn't want to be stuck in her room until they leave?

ZutAlorsDidier · 19/09/2013 16:11

Sybil, you sound as if you have given up and accepted that you will be looking after them in the morning. this is a waste of your day off. Don't. Either get them out with your dh or rearrange your day off.

Seriously, you need to send a clear message that you are not just Staff. This is your time.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/09/2013 16:42

This would seriously annoy me! Time off is precious.

Hullygully · 19/09/2013 16:48

I think you are being a bit horrid and mean

so what if plans change

it happens

yours might someday

Original poster
SybilRamkin · 19/09/2013 17:02

Grin Mrs T P Grin He's not usually!

I don't want to come across as DH's mean wife, which they will certainly think I am if I completely ignore them, or worse, think it's DH's fault. I don't personally like DH's friend (nothing major, he's just really arrogant and a bit sexist) but they've been friends for a very long time and I don't want his friend to be annoyed/upset with him because of me.

Hmm, perhaps I'll nip to a nice local cafe with the paper and have a nice cup of tea and a cake for breakfast whilst claiming I have to leave for work!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 19/09/2013 17:24

Do you all tell your friends to leave if you have to leave the house?

Original poster
SybilRamkin · 19/09/2013 17:30

Not always, it depends on the person, but I don't think it's weird if you do assume they'll leave at the same time as you do - you might not have spare keys to give them to put through the letterbox.

OP posts: