AIBU to be falling apart over 'Three Day Nanny'

[Lilicat1013]

I just watched the programme 'Three Day Nanny' where a somewhat annoying woman assists families with young children, like a less good version of Super Nanny. Today's programme featured three year old twin boys.
I have a three year old boy myself and things haven't been easy lately for a lot of reasons. I had a baby at the start of the year and am dealing with post natal depression so it doesn't help much.
It was just went this woman talked about the 'baby things' the family needed to get rid off (bibs, potties, sippy cups) and the things the boys should be doing for themselves. My son is autistic and he isn't even ready to start using a potty yet other kids his age are ready to get rid of theirs.
I feel like such a failure, like I have failed him. Watching these boys go to the toilet on their own and feed themselves and speak it's suddenly hit home how far away he is from where he should be. I don't know how I am ever going to help him catch up.
This family considered themselves so desperate from help they signed up for a television programme yet they are doing a million times better than I am.
Sorry, I know it is not really an AIBU topic but I just wanted to say it to someone because I can't say it in real life.

Oh love, ignore her, or allow me to curse her with bum grapes so big that she can't sit down without a rubber ring the size of her head.

You are absolutely doing the best for your DC, you mustn't compare yourself to some silly programme on TV that has been edited and overblown to the point of ridiculousness.

Just be kind to yourself and keep doing what you are doing. Perhaps a little trip to the GP if you continue to feel this low?

Children don't come off conveyor belts, neatly packaged and pre-programmed to do x,y,z at certain specific times. They are individuals with their own needs and will achieve what they need to achieve when they are good and ready to.

You are NOT failing. Is he happy, loved, fed & warm? I bet he is - so bloody what if he's taking a bit longer to use the loo on his own? Comparisons aren't that useful in this context - they are guidelines, nothing more.

Einstein didn't start talking till he was three!

Enjoy him for who he is - and I am absolutely 1000% certain you are a fab mum :)

Bless you, your little one will develop at his own pace. It doesn't matter what someone on tv thinks.

You're not failing him, there's a massive difference between what a typical child is expected to be able to do and what a child with a developmental disability can manage to do and that difference is not because of parenting.

I think she is unhinged giving a three year old a big sharp chef's knife for one.. My (nearly) 4 year old still likes to use the potty, as he finds the loo too high to feel secure/comfortable (he is on the small side). He has only now mastered poos on the potty (before he would ask for a nappy).

I have always given up before he could do something because he always took his time (although within the normal range). Was 18 months before walked. Only spoke properly after 3. Slept through after 3. Still has dummies at night and is in a sleeping bag, because this is what he prefers. Every child is different.. And, having worked with autistic children, I know how hard it must be for you. He will be ok!

Oh please don't feel bad. My dd is very nearly 3 and is not remotely interested in using the potty. My house still has 'baby' things! Lots and lots of them!
It is really hard to feel like a good mum when you have a baby anda toddler to deal with. I felt awful at that stage (19 month age gap) but it has gradually got better and it will get better for you too. Please don't compare your life to fiction - it is edited, rehearsed and staged. That nanny woman is weird! I bet you are doing great x

It's hard I know.

You do have to go through the grieving process for the NT child you don't have, and things like this will trigger it off but it will get less in time.

I used to feel like you and tonight I sat and watched the programme for some advice on 6.11 year old DD's behaviour..she also has autism and is more like a 2 year old. I have come to terms with it and you will too.

And 3 is so little, your son will come on loads. My DD is now using toilet a bit and feeding herself. Many other kids with ASD come on much more than she has too.

Be kind to yourself, I have no doubt you are doing your best x

I saw the programme. I thought it was obvious and very sad that the dad had such a neglected up ringing he was over compensating for his boys. I also thought they were very badly behaved.
Those are totally different issues to what you are facing. I have twins as well as an older child with complex needs. It's is very very tough to notice the differences... But when you have twins you really do realise they are all different and do things at different times. I have one vocal crawler and one who can only just sit up. They are both within the normal range. Please don't beat yourself up. Lots of autistic children grow up to be healthy happy adults; the learning curve is slightly different, as it is for all of us xxx

What you see on these programmes Lilicat is an edited version of a great deal of filming. It's not real life.

I have no experience of bringing up an autistic child but I imagine it's extremely challenging. I have babies and PND and know how hard that is.

You're coping with so much at the moment. Cut yourself some slack, don't compere yourself to others, certainly not to others in what would seem to be an easier situation than you.

Please don't see yourself as failing your son, you're not a failure, you're going through a difficult time and finding it hard.

Clearly these people are not doing a million times better than you if they feel the need to bring in a team of so called experts to help them cope.

I hope you're getting some RL support.

Oh you

Like fanjo says, it's a grieving process, and this is all a very normal part of it.

It does get easier - never easy! - over time. You'll get there.

You are not failing your son in any way. Your son is lucky to have you.

I was thinking about this today. A friend has put her baby in a bed instead of a cot really early and is bemused that he doesn't know he has to stay in bed and runs round his room all night.

I just don't understand why people are so desperate to have children grow up so quickly, they'll get there in their own time and you should just enjoy them being little ones, they have the rest of their lives to be grown up.

Couldn't read and run as I'm watching this at the moment (C4 plus one). Please don't give it any more thought. It's just a tv show! I think all she's saying is let your children do the things they're ready to do, when they're ready. Loads of 3yo are ready to lose nappies/potties/whatever, loads aren't ready (for lots of different reasons).

EVERY child is different and I bet yours is just perfect the way he is.

Parenting our children is not a one sized fits all thing.

Ever child is unique and will be ready for things at varying stages, and there is such a broad spectrum in terms of the stages of development in different areas. My child is three and uses the toilet, but didn't walk until she was two. A friends son is three next month and still in nappies having never used a potty, but he walked at nine months old.

This is, I feel, one of the downsides to programmes like this-not all children suit a particular way of being 'managed'. Its all too easy for a professional to come in for three days and get things ship shape on their terms, and clearly some parents do need to moderate the way they do things, but real life is not always like that!

The producers of these programmes choose their families VERY carefully-at the end of the day, they want to ensure good viewing and a happy ending.

At the end of the day, parents know their children better than anyone else, so do try not to feel so disheartened. x

Oh big hug.
You are looking at this from the wrong end. Don't compare your son to others. Think about where he would be if you weren't there loving him and supporting him. Do you know intuitively what he can and can't do? Do you anticipate every bloody second how he might react to things? What if he didn't have you in his corner?
I bet ypu're

Sorry... You're an amazing mum.

It's hard isn't it? My son is 6 now and started the dx process for autism just over 2 years ago. I still get caught off guard and it hurts, just a couple of weeks ago I was in tears as ds dramatically failed at going to a friends for dinner for the first time. Give yourself time, focus on what he has achieved and try not to compare him to other children. I think of my ds developmentally and emotionally as 2/3rds of his chronological age (I read it on an autism website or book somewhere) and this helps me to manage my expectations.

And if it makes you feel better, at 3 year old my son hardly said a word and was still in nappies, now he uses the toilet without a problem, is dry all night and hasn't had an accident in about a year, and can talk the hind legs off a donkey!

Ah you poor love, you haven't failed your ds at all. You are an amazing mum and your son is autistic. You are under a lot of pressure and very depressed.
Go and see your GP sweetie and I hope you feel better soon.
You sound lovely, please don't listen to what tv programmes tell you, they are recorded and edited to sensationalise.

Hey, you are doing things at the right pace for your child. You’re a lovely mum and no-one could do more than that

oh tell her (3 day naanny) to fuck off and never watch her again...

and get ye over to special needs children board.

ds has autism... and the usual rules do not apply. at 3 it was a good day if I ended the day with my and dd's skin still intact and unpunctured.

oh aand we still have times when I have to remind him to talk to me because I do not know what the screeching means.

ps let zombie do that curse...

My ds has additional needs too and I knew watching this programme would be depressing but like a masochist I did it anyway!
My ds hits, bites, screams and tantrums and he is 7. He can't sit to a meal and I felt like I was making all the mistakes the parents in the programme were. BUT, their children are NT my ds has autism and ADHD, there are very different reasons why my ds cannot sit to a meal and no amount of parenting classes or advice can change his impulsivity- it is just the way his brain works.
Your ds is doing brilliantly I am sure because he has a brilliant mum who cares deeply for him. BUT all parents, and particularly those of SN dc need to care for themselves too and beating yourself up after watching a virtually fictional, edited and marketed 'product' of a tv programme is cruel to yourself. The purpose of the programme is only to market the 3 day nanny book, so it has to show that a you need to do is buy the book or employ this wonder-nanny (only £400 a day- bargain) and a your problems will be solved. It is one long advert and adverts are always a complete fiction.
Enjoy your dc in the real and imperfect world, confident that your real and imperfect parenting is exactly what your dc need.

Nothing to add.

You're doing the very best that you can. Just keep loving your kids.

Hugs.

Thank you so much for all the replies. I appreciate so very much. I am so grateful to everyone who answered, you have no idea how much you have helped.
Some days I look at my son and I am just so proud of all that he has achieved and other days I am just so terrifed of the future and what will happen. All the reminders of what he should be doing are hard to take. He is a smart boy, I just keep thinking if I could find a way to teach it to him he could do it. I just need to find a way to help him understand.

Lillicat you are teaching your little boy all he needs and showing him how proud he makes you.

Oh Lilly your ds is Autistic, they are not, it's not like with like. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job. Iwasvtrying there myself dd 6 has ASD, and looking at her in comparison to her peers sed to make me . At 3 her peers were talking, interested in the world, she was a tantrumming screaming ball of energy. Dd goes to special school for Autism and it's like having a different child, she is maturing, asking questions interested in te world and her peers. So much more settled and I am enjoying her. So you never know what's rund the corner. On the last parents evening she was only 1 year behind academically with her nt peers, at 3 she was about 2 ears behind.

I was at soft play today. Lovely little boy there with an even lovelier Mum. We chatted and I asked how old he was. He said, "3 and a half but he's autistic so he is still in nappies and his speech isn't there yet." I felt so sad that she had to explain to me.

FWIW, it hadn't occurred to me to worry about his speech or nappies. I was too busy thinking how good he was with my hellion of a DD.

There are no shoulds in this stuff.