AIBU to be falling apart over 'Three Day Nanny'

[Lilicat1013]

I just watched the programme 'Three Day Nanny' where a somewhat annoying woman assists families with young children, like a less good version of Super Nanny. Today's programme featured three year old twin boys.
I have a three year old boy myself and things haven't been easy lately for a lot of reasons. I had a baby at the start of the year and am dealing with post natal depression so it doesn't help much.
It was just went this woman talked about the 'baby things' the family needed to get rid off (bibs, potties, sippy cups) and the things the boys should be doing for themselves. My son is autistic and he isn't even ready to start using a potty yet other kids his age are ready to get rid of theirs.
I feel like such a failure, like I have failed him. Watching these boys go to the toilet on their own and feed themselves and speak it's suddenly hit home how far away he is from where he should be. I don't know how I am ever going to help him catch up.
This family considered themselves so desperate from help they signed up for a television programme yet they are doing a million times better than I am.
Sorry, I know it is not really an AIBU topic but I just wanted to say it to someone because I can't say it in real life.

Please don't compare a highly edited tv program with real life, it would upset anyone. I had a little boy in care with us, he didn't have autism & he wasn't ready to toilet train until he was nearly 4, not for the want of trying on my part ! They are all so very different in what they do when & that's if you are just looking at an average child with no special needs. After many years of caring for a range of children the only thing that was the same for them all was that they would all do things in their own time. Even for children with no extra problems to cope with there is a very broad range of ages at which they will meet certain milestones, throw into the mix any sort of additional needs & any sort of timetable goes out the window. Go easy on yourself, you sound like a really caring mum, doing your very best. Your little one will be the very best that he can be, in his own time, especially with a supportive mum beside him.

lilicat

sorry you got upset.

but you are not failing him, you love and support him and care for him AND you have a baby and PND - that is a lot to deal with!
things seem dark now, but please don't feel disappointed in yourself, you are doing your best despite your difficult health conditions!

I don't know what support you are getting but maybe you need more help so you can concentrate on your family and getting better!

ignore programs like that - half the time I think they are just actors and the whole things is geared towards making money!

look after yourself

Seriously, like everyone else has said, don't be upset. Toilet training is a strange and mysterious land to be setting your foot into and no one child is going to do exactly what his peers do. I didn't watch the show but as a nanny myself I've only pushed to ditch the potty when I'm sure the child is ready and not before, regardless of age.

In Russia apparently it's state law that children have to be trained at 18 months or they won't be allowed in state childcare, and in Vietnam babies are trained to urinate on command so they're done with nappies by the time they reach 9 months. A boy I looked after didn't fully crack it until he was five, and he wasn't developmentally delayed, he just plain didn't like the toilet.

Princess glad I don't live in Russia or vietnam. Ds 20 months is no way ready, we will wait another year and try inte summer. Dd was 3.2 years when ready

I have a six year old son who has autism and severe learning difficulties - it was his birthday yesterday and he had no understanding of it at all - he ignored opening his presents because he wanted to watch cartoons. Most days I cope well - yesterday I found it really hard as it was one of those days where the differences between him an a typical child were magnified right in front of me.

Focus on what your DS can do! Comparing a child with autism to a child without is like comparing apples and oranges - they are so different!!!

Savour every tiny bit of progress, I had to remind myself of that yesterday - ds let us sing happy birthday to him and he blew out the candles on his cake. That was a first!!!

Get the right schooling in place for your ds - children can make amazing progress in the right environment. Ds was non verbal 2 years ago and is now using short phrases to ask for drinks etc.

Keep strong - you can do this!!!

btw my 3.5 y o is still in nappies.
I couldn't care less

It's television. Not real life. Keep doing your thing

Oh my goodness, don't punish yourself over some cheaply made programme, sure your DS is actually doing fine!

Just remember, comparisons can make you feel shitty.

FWIW I watched The Midwives programme the other night (which I love) but it made me feel terrible about having an epidural and screaming bloody murder suggesting that women aren't coping with labour like they used to

I hate hate hateeeee those bloody super nanny fix it all shows. They should have a large purely for entertainment stamp across the screen when they're shown.

I have a big old 3 year old here too and he's in nappies, tried to train him recently and he either stood in the potty or put it on his head as a hilarious hat. They all go at their own time

Completely agree with every Word in AllanaPartridge's First Post ^^^. My Ds is 4.5yrs and only completely toilet trained around 4months ago. All Children will do x y and z in their own Time.

The programme was not about children with special needs.
It was a guide for parents who feel they were at the end of their tether and the advice given was sound and common sense.
Of course you cannot compare your situation with theirs because they do not have an autistic child and the Mum did not have PND!

The parents had problems with the boys tantrums and bedtimes and mealtimes. The 'Nanny' was targeting specific problems that they needed help with.
She helped the parents change the way THEY dealt with their boys.

So long as your child does not have a specific condition then the advice in that programme was excellent.
Its very very often not the children that have a 'problem' - its the way they are dealt with and that's not the parents 'fault' - its because they don't know what to do and those parents were sensible enough to ask and take on board some help and change the way they dealt with their children.
Sadly, many parents are offended and insulted if anyone suggest they could do something a different way - even if it would guarantee a better result!

Well, she would have a field day in our house. DS2 is 3 and likes to use the toilet to pee and the potty to poo! We still have lots of things people would think of as baby things too.

You are raising a son who is autistic and of course you can't directly compare the children in the programme with him. You aren't failing him. Quite the opposite in fact.

You know what love?
I could sit here and type that my older 2 never used a potty at all, were in junior beds before they turned 2yo -actually that would apply to DC3 as well- and didn't use bibs, and that would sound like I'm being a snotty cow.
The unedited version of that is that they didn't use a potty because DS was too scared to sit himself down and backwards IYSWIM and DD1 would only use the potty as a hat. They were in junior beds from around 18 months because I apparently breed chimps and we moved them to avoid a major climbing accident. The bibs went to the charity shop when they started taking them off and using them to dip in their dinner..
You see? You have nothing to worry about or feel guilty for. Those programmes are utter bullshit and should be banned IMO, they cause nothing but worry.
YANBU and stop watching it

Most of the things those 3 year olds were doing, running off etc. my autistic ds does and he's 7 - as for sitting down at the table and eating nicely, HA HA is all I can say.

I preferred it to Supernanny, at least she did more than just put the DC in time out, although I would like to see how she copes with ASD children

I am sure she would cope just fine.

Plenty of children in my DD's nursery still in pull-ups at 3. There's 365 days in that year don't forget - that's a long time in any child's development regardless of any special needs.

As for bibs - no child needs one. We do, or the laundry would be monstrous. I've certainly threatened DH with one on more than one occasion he can't seem to eat tomato based pasta sauce or a Magnum icecream without covering himself in the stuff. Why just those two items is beyond me

Tell us all the good things about your son

Thank you to everyone who has replied. Both my husband and I are depressed at the moment, he desperately wants to get signed off work as he can't cope with it any more but we can't afford that (no sick pay). He has been told to log on to some online counselling thing and that is it.

I am epileptic so anti depressants aren't an option as they would have the potential to increase seizures and I can't risk that. They haven't offered anything else and I can't bring myself to find the energy to pursue it. We do have a volunteer from Home Start who comes once as week and she is wonderful.

CwtchesandCuddles, happy birthday to your son, it is lovely he blew out his own candles and let you sing happy birthday. That must have been wonderful. I hope he enjoys his gifts as he gets more used to them, William always takes time to adjust to new things.

There are a million good things about William, he is sweet, loving and so much fun. We recently took him to the zoo for the first time and he was so over the moon at the penguins. He liked them so much he tried to climb over the barrier to get in with them. I took a video of his reaction and you can see the joy on his face. It was just the best thing ever for him.

He is so happy at the moment, he goes to a special needs preschool that are wonderful to him and he bounces around with excitement every morning waiting for the taxi, he can barely wait for them to put his car seat in because he is worried they will go without him.

I am just worried about next year when it all changes, I have found the perfect school for him, it is a special needs school near to us. It is just wonderful, we have taken him on a visit and he loves it. All the people involved in his care agree that is where he needs to be when he goes to school. However it often has more children needing to go than they have places for so even if everyone agrees that is where he needs to be he might be placed in mainstream due to their not being a space.

He wont cope in mainstream and they wont cope with him. He needs more than a mainstream school could possible give even with a support worker. It is April till we find out if he gets his place and every day I just get more and more stressed waiting.

Thank you again to everyone for all the replies it was so lovely of all of you and I am so grateful that I had someone to speak to. I didn't want to mention it to my husband and further stress him out.

Oh, OP, you're doing a great job!

These programmes are shite of the highest order, heavily edited, behaviourist shite.
My ds2 has no additional needs yet was almost 3.5 before I potty trained him and he's still on the boob at night - she'd be appalled if she met me ; )

Op, please don't feel you have failed.

I have twin boys who will be 5 in January. We have only just (hopefully) sorted out completely the toiletting now they have started school. They have no special needs (other than speech delay) they are just lazy!

(Also, the teachers have been really lovely about the few wees and little-bit-more-than-skids they had to deal with in the first two weeks!)

Lilli, your son sounds like he is an amazing little boy. I really hope that he gets a place in the school.

I really wouldn't worry about these types of shows. They show a small snap shot of 3 days.

My dd1 is now 9, she is nt and she only started talking properly at 3, she got a grasp on the toilet training during the day at 2.9 and only got dry at night at 3. Even now, she has the occasional accident. Although not for 3 months so fx! She has only recently mastered sitting down and eating meal properly in a restaurant. Even then, she is itching to go play.

She is behind in school as she spent most of year 2 and. 3 staring out of the window as the teacher didn't give a crap and refused to listen to me. I did my best at home but there is only so much you can do in the evening.

However, she is sensitive, brilliantly social, never leavesoout others, she is constantly up for awards and certificates at school for helping, getting others to take part. She is brilliant with younger kids and is an amazing big sister. Dd2 is undergoing physio and dd1 is always doing the excersices with her, getting her up and trying to reach for things. Its amazing to watch and I'm really looking forward to ds being born as I know she going to be brilliant with him too!

Oh, love, don't watch these things, don't compare your boy to others. I know it's easier to say than do - my DS1 has severe autism (he's almost eight and pretty much toilet trained at last, hurrah) and I'll sometimes see a group of kids half his age who can do millions of things he can't and want to cry and cry. It gets easier as they get older and you get used to them being on their own path and not the standard child development path, if that makes any sense, and you can celebrate the progress your son makes on his own terms. Because he will make progress and learn new things. Maybe more slowly, maybe in a weird order, but he will.

And definitely push as hard as you are able for the special school. I wasted two years trying to wedge my DS1 into mainstream and they were absolutely useless and made the minimum possible adjustments for him and didn't have a clue. The special school he's at now is amazing and always go the extra mile for us and he's come on so well since he started there.

You sound like a lovely Mum with a lot of challenges going on. As everyone says, you are absolutely NOT failing your ds.
Fwiw I hate all tv programmes, baby books etc because they generally make me feel rubbish about dc. This was a (not brilliant IMHO) programme about one specific family. A lot of it would not be suitable for lots of families.

Please have a hug.