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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If I go to the CSA, ex's ex will get less. What to do?!

35 replies

Fedup26 · 18/09/2013 12:55

Recently I split up with my children's father. We have 3 together and he already has a daughter with another ex, who has been paying £360.00 a month for to his other ex through the CSA.

When his ex found out that we had split, I received a FB message from her asking me not to go to the CSA as her child support that she gets will go down. I ignored the message as I was still heart broken from the split and didn't need the added stress of her on my back.

So since she has sent me that message I have given it some more thought, and realised that my stepdaughter will receive less money and this bothers me. But I need that security of the CSA that my children will get a contribution from their father as I don't trust him if we had a private arrangement.

What do I do? Do I just go to the CSA anyway as my children are my priority now or do I need to keep considering my DSD's well being for the next X amount of years even when I am not in her life anymore?

This is such a shit situation!

OP posts:

picnicbasketcase · 18/09/2013 12:59

She cannot ask that your three children go without so that her DD's circumstances don't change. Why are your DC less important?

RedHelenB · 18/09/2013 13:00

I would try the private arrangement first & then if that doesn't work have no hesitation in contacting the CSA.

SilverApples · 18/09/2013 13:02

So, will her money drop from £360 to £90 a month? Is that how it works?
I can see why she's worried, but can you support your three ?

geekgal · 18/09/2013 13:04

Unfortunately I think you may have to go through the CSA as you have to put all your kids concerns first, and there's no guarantee he will pay of you don't.

If you and his ex are on good terms could you maybe come to a private agreement? If you say CSA is a must once they pay you you can split the money however you want to, make sure all the kids get their fair share of support.

Ezio · 18/09/2013 13:09

Go to CSA, your ex made 4 kids, they all deserve to get the same amount from him.

His other DD's shortfall is not your fault.

BrokenSunglasses · 18/09/2013 13:10

Personally, I wouldn't do it. I'd see it as a risk I took upon myself each time I decided to have a child with someone who already has a child to support elsewhere.

It would be very unfair for the first child to lose out because her father chose to have more children in another home if he couldn't afford them.

How is it working at the moment? Is your ex giving you anything for your dc? I'd try to go with a private arrangement first, they can be very successful.

Delayingtactic · 18/09/2013 13:12

I would just go to the CSA. It is what it is - I can see why she sent you the message as her dd is her priority, but you need to think about your DC first and that means securing financial support from their father.

Ezio · 18/09/2013 13:16

I called CSA on my ex, but we agreed to a private agreement, on the condition he sticks to it or he pays the amount CSA asked for.

So start a claim, suggest to your ex a private agreement, that he must stick too, if he agrees then you tell CSA about the agreement, his ex might have to accept a bit less.

If he doesnt stick to the agreement, then you call CSA have them claim from him again.

Its not a nice thing to do but if you dont trust him to stick to it, then you need the leverage.

StuntGirl · 18/09/2013 13:19

Go to the CSA. I'm sorry, but you have to put your own children first. The amount of people who rely on the goodwill of a man they are no longer on good terms with baffles me.

mrsfuzzy · 18/09/2013 13:20

let the csa sort it out, don't rely on him to pay direct i've been there and i know what's like when money you depend on isn't there, as for the ex, sorry that isn't your problem, she might be working or needs to work, but you can't be expected to share money that is for your dc with her. you need to look out for your own dc on this one just as she does with her dc. your ex needs to keep it in his trousers before all his income is swallowed up by his kids !

MoominsYonisAreScary · 18/09/2013 13:20

If he cant be trusted to pay then you need to go to the csa

livinginwonderland · 18/09/2013 13:21

Go to the CSA. Your children deserve the same support as his other child. Yes, it's unfair that her support will drop, but your children need to be supported as well.

SugarHut · 18/09/2013 13:28

Go to the CSA. If she wants her money to be kept at the same level, it is up to her to sort that out with him, not you.

You get your entitlement for your children, they are your priority. Any issue with an increase/decrease in her share is not your concern, it is a private matter between the two of them.

Caring for your DSD's future makes you a lovely person. It does not make you in any way financially responsible.

SeaSickSal · 18/09/2013 13:31

It sounds like he has stuck to the agreement with the ex, why wouldn't he with you? As long as you got the same amount of money I would stick to the private arrangement but go to the CSA if he doesn't stick to it.

Ezio · 18/09/2013 13:40

It sounds like he has stuck to the agreement with the ex, why wouldn't he with you?

His ex gets paid through the CSA, thats why she doesnt want OP too, because her money would go from £360 a month to £97.50 a month.

KellyElly · 18/09/2013 13:45

It would be very unfair for the first child to lose out because her father chose to have more children in another home if he couldn't afford them. As it would be unfair to the subsequent children if they aren't fairly provided for.

Go to the CSA OP. I think it's very unfair of his first partner to put you in this position as maintenance needs to be split equally between all children. She should be having any conversations about maintenance payments with him not you.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 18/09/2013 13:46

Go to the CSA. I get maintenance from my ex for dd and its always at the back of my mind that he may have a baby with someone else and they may split up. If he does have a baby with someone else, that's my first warning that my money for dd may drop soon and I would start problem solving just in case. Its not your responsibility to worry after your ex's ex and her money when she will have known for years that this could be a possibility. It is a shame for her but don't let it mean your children struggle.

EldritchCleavage · 18/09/2013 13:47

First children don't have more right to parental support than subsequent children. He only has so much money. He must share it out between his children equally.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 18/09/2013 13:48

Id be inclined to reply well, it is in his hands. If he provides the same support for all his children, I wont need to. If he doesnt, then I'll have no choice.

I dont think she should be making his support for her child your responsibility.

TalkativeJim · 18/09/2013 13:50

No, you have to go to the CSA.

Catwoman12 · 18/09/2013 14:14

I would be furious at her message, all his children are entitled to the same amount, it is not your issue that she will get less. Just like she's proving your children are not her issue, cheeky mare IMO.

Call CSA. Now.

HarryTheHungryHippo · 18/09/2013 14:18

Would be really only be expected to pay the same for 4 children as he was for 1? That's insane

poshfrock · 18/09/2013 14:18

Not sure the payments would go down to £90 OP.
The CSA calculates maintenance as 15% of net pay ( ie after tax, NIC and pension contributions) for one child, 20% for 2 children and 25% for 3 or more.
So if your ex is paying £360 then that is presumably 15% of his net pay. 25% of his net pay would be £600 which would be split 3/4 to you and 1/4 to the ex so she would get £150 and you would get £450.
CSA also make adjustments for how many nights per week the kids stay with him and also for any other kids who live with him.
Presumably the payments to his ex were reduced each time the two of you had another baby, unless his pay went up an equivalent amount each time ?
I think if you can have a private arrangement that actually works then fine but if you are expecting the equivalent of what the ex gets now ( ie 3 x£360) then I think you will be disappointed. He would be paying out £1440 per month on maintenance on a net salary of £2400 which probably isn't sustainable. But I would only use the CSA if the private arrangement fails.

BTW my DP had a private arrangement with his ex. He never missed a payment in 5 years, paid for extras like music lessons and increased the payments voluntarily whenever he had a pay rise ( annually at the time). Ex decided this wasn't enough and went to CSA. We agreed to pay whatever CSA determined. CSA calculation actually came out at less then we were paying her so not always the best route.

kim147 · 18/09/2013 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot · 18/09/2013 14:51

The way it is currently sorted out (as long as the 3 younger children were taken into account) was that the ex with 1 child was getting 15% of only 75% of the father's income. 25% was being disregarded for his children living with him.

The way it would work out if the OP went to the CSA would be the CSA taking 25% of his take home pay and splitting it 1/3 to the ex and 2/3s to the OP.

If 15% of 75% net pay was £360, the father was on approximately £3200 take home. So if the OP went to the CSA, the ex's payments would reduce to approx £200 a month, not £90.

I would go to the CSA OP. Your ex may well not be able to afford to continue paying £360 a month to his ex as well as pay a decent amount for your 3 children with him too. If you go to the CSA, then they will sort the amounts out for you all.

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