help me, what makes female friendships tick.

[ItsInTheSand]

I am 40 and I still don't get the whole female friendship thing and it's impacting on my children.

Meeting for coffee, texting about tv shows, play dates, bbqs...

What are the rules and what does and does n't work. I seem to misjudge the situation over and over again, tips needed to cope and pass on examples of best practise to kids.

Good post Hully.

And if you are not genuinely interested, move on.
And try talking to everyone. Give everyone a chance. Lots of us have a diverse group of friends. You dont know really what some people are like until you have talked to them a few times. They may not get on with each other. But you can see them seperately, not just in a group.

OP my tips for you are:

Try not to be so narrow minded.

There is no formula for making friends except smiling, talking to people and making an effort.

I still stick by what I said. I do have female friends.

But I would say a good 65% of women operate in the following situation.

In any given new situation in a work place find a few people that you can form a 'group' with. Identify the weakest person outside the group (often female, but can be male) and then make their life a misery, bitch about them, mock them, blaming them for perceived slights which normally don't exist, exclude them, deliberately make their lives difficult. And when they move on or are unavailable for whatever reason move on to a new victim.

Sometimes that person has been me, sometimes it has been someone else and I have observed.

But an awful lot of women seem to have friendships which seem to be based largely around denigrating the same people.

Honestly, I work contracts and in every place I've been there have been groups of these women. They're in every workplace, lots of mother and toddler groups.

I have never come across this 65% of women!

OP, I think you're just not meeting the people you "click" with. It's not possible to force a friendship with people you don't really have much common ground with. What would be the point in learning to make small talk about TV if you have no interest in it?

Sal I recently saw a man and woman do this at a group I attend; it's a people thing, not a woman thing.

Saffyz I watch bits of the x factor finals so I can chat to my Mum about it. It's been quite handy for small talk at other times but I'd not take the trouble if it weren't for my Mum. True masters of small talk keep up-to-date I guess!

I've met most of my good friends through some kind of hobby which means that there is normally some degree of overlap of interest.

I can't be doing with a claustrophobic, exclusive circle of friends, not since junior school! Mine tend to be mix and match with mutral friends. There tends to be some kind of spark of personality that when I've introduced people from different parts of my life, they tend to find eachother easy company. The best example are the friends that are now married to eachother- they just seemed to be two bits of the same jigsaw needing to meet eachother.

I've never had a real work friend. I get on well with people but have never had that connection to meet up beyond the workplace or maintain after I've had to move on.

I find the more sociable baby groups tend to be the ones doing something active as you're more like to encounter similar types there to click with. Casual have a play, do some craft groups, I can chat to people, but it seems to be harder to get deeper.

Sometimes you just encounter a "soul friend". One where the friendship endures through lifes changes, and doesn't have much superficial commn ground. I met one of mine in the Union in Freshers Week. I was tagging with some housemates, and she'd gone in with hers who then abandoned her for a battle of the sexes quiz. She randomly sat next to me- I thought she was a course mate of my housemate. We chatted and the next day I took up the offer of visiting her flat and a friendship was made. We have a lot of parallel experiences, and a similar kind of sense of adventure although superficially little common ground.

I couldn't be friends in a social group that had unspoken rules. (Interest groups with rules about practical implementation of the hobby is a different ball game)

I was bullied a lot by girls as a child and a teen which has affected my ability to connect with other women throughout my life. This is now unfixable and I regard it as a major flaw but this hasn't affected my children's friendships at all. My youngest is very sociable and popular which means I have to arrange playdates, sleepovers and parties quite a lot. But I'm not friends with the parents, I just briefly ask them in the playground and exchange numbers. My DP is very good at talking to the mums for me after playdates. There's no reason why it has to impact on your children so try not to worry about it.

I just invite new people out on nights out, have a drink get chatting etc. Then we become mates. Not much to it really if you get on and have a laugh you just start hanging out more.

I agree with hully, that is a useful post. Looking outwards not inwards helps a lot. I don't recognise this grouping up and attacking the weakest scenario,it's all a bit Lord of the flies. In my experience most people want to be kind, and any exclusion is more thoughtless than anything. Sounds like you met a few nasty people Sal, don't write off all women because of it.

I never got it he group thing.
I have three close friends who don't know each other well and have never socialised as a group. We see each other occasionally for coffee, walks, nights out and have easy conversation about stuff and none sense or indeed solving the worlds problems. I tried during the school years to be inclusive in the mum gangs but honestly it drained the life from my soul. It was like being a duck in the middle of a gaggle of geese.

In reply to an earlier post, I express friendships through going for a pint! I think it's just the ladies you happen to meet tbh.
I'm closer with my none mummy friends, mummy friendships often don't stick for me because the only thing we have in common is our kids. Great for play dates, not so good down the pub or when choosing a movie to watch. Or discussing anything apart from children.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!" C.S.Lewis I love that sentiment but it is rare in my experience and there have been very few in my life so far.

I have friends from the school I go drinking with. I just ask them to come out with my existing friends.

Ah, no, you see: that's the thing, IMO. If you're cruising for a Soulmate Friend, and that alone will do, you're on about as much of a hiding to nothing as if you're cruising for a Soulmate Partner.

Friends of different kinds bring out and fulfil different aspects of you. My friends vary quite widely; I've accrued them over the decades, in all kinds of different ways. They do tend to get along when I throw a party -and lubricate them with drink and there is a particular delight in realising that two people I knew separately have formed an independent friendship of their own....but they do differ. Which is lovely. For everyone.

Also disagree about other mothers just wanting to talk about kids: my school gate network includes a lot of really interesting, independent women with a lot of views on the world!

(In other words wot jasminerose said. Lighten up. Put yourself about a bit, friendship-wise.)

where are you OP, I'll be your friend?! I'm 40, 3 kids, an introvert and often feel I'm getting the rules wrong!

MI is most wise.

Thingey, why is it "unfixable"? With some help and the awareness you evidently have, you could, I'm sure. Our brain is much more pliable than previously thought, even into old age.

Perhaps as humans we fall into two camps:
Close group, quite intense, emotionally entangled
or wider group - friendly but less of an emotional link

I feel like through the turbulent toddler years I've been sucked into a close group but actually I would be happier and offer the right stuff to a wider group with looser ties....

I've never texted anyone about a tv programme in my life

I've made loads of friends through my children and its such a wide and interesting group, I feel privileged to have gotten to know so many interesting people who ordinarily I may not have crossed paths with and the more the merrier as far as I'm concerned

Yes ItsInTHeSand; I've pulled away from groups which from the outside look like Mums having fun get-togethers but I've found that I've not wanted to be there! I don't believe my children's social life has suffered and I'm happier.

I do make efforts to maintain good relations with people (although come to think of it I like doing that.) and a close friend did note that I seem to know a wide variety of people to stop and chat with! I prefer that type of social interaction.

I have about 8 close friends from my school days. 2 who i see weekly, the rest i probably see monthly or every couple of months. I don't have any mum friends though, i never meet other mum who i click with. It means my son never has pay dates or meet ups in the park with other children and i think his social skills are suffering because of this.

Possum I used to take mine to parks on our own at times and sometimes they engaged with other children spontaneously. It's another type of socialisation, that of going up to someone unfamiliar and engaging. I think it's more important to foster that skill rather than just hanging out with friends the grown-ups have found for you.