Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

help me, what makes female friendships tick.

102 replies

ItsInTheSand · 17/09/2013 13:37

I am 40 and I still don't get the whole female friendship thing and it's impacting on my children.

Meeting for coffee, texting about tv shows, play dates, bbqs...

What are the rules and what does and does n't work. I seem to misjudge the situation over and over again, tips needed to cope and pass on examples of best practise to kids.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 17/09/2013 16:25

If you go around assuming that women are 'nasty' and 'bitchy' you're not exactly coming across as a warm and lovely sort of a girl that the rest of us want to hang out with, frankly.

EldritchCleavage · 17/09/2013 16:29

What's wrong with meeting for coffee? You can meet for coffee and talk about the works of Voltaire, the state of British industry, current affairs or any other heavyweight topic that takes your fancy. It isn't an inherently silly, or female, activity.

oranges · 17/09/2013 16:30

ah but you can only talk about serious stuff in a pub, apparently.

Longdistance · 17/09/2013 16:35

I have my bf from school, so over a 30 year friendship. It's a weird one as we think the same, and have this woo psychic connection, even though I now live in Oz, and she's in the Uk. Give each other 'looks' in situations, ie wtf is that?? And so on...

I have my bf from my previous career, who's a diamond, and our lives have been similar ie getting married similar time, dc similar age. Just natter for England/ Scotland.

The I have others friends, that I just see from time to time for coffee, drinks, dinner, social events, but can chat til the cows come home.

No real thing that makes anyone tick, just people I have lots in common with.

CocacolaMum · 17/09/2013 16:37

I don't think I have ever texted about a tv show? I have tweeted if that counts?
I do like meeting for coffees tho and I like BBQs too. I also am a big fan of arts and crafts, doctor who, zombies, vampires, nail varnish, horrible histories, various comic books and Gin.

Sweetsweep · 17/09/2013 16:59

squoosh. Now I am going to be pedantic, if that is ok with you, as I have often wondered about this. Grin
It all rather depends on a person's individual pov then? If there were or are many many people who think as SeaSickSal does, then she is not being sexist. But if not so many think as she does, then she is being sexist.

fwiw, I think there are a surprising number of women like that. Would I say "a very high percentage are out and out nasty". No. But if she thinks that, she thinks that.

But if she believes that, it isnt sexist is it?

[Not sure now. Have managed to tie myself in knots] Smile

SunshineMMum · 17/09/2013 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ItsInTheSand · 17/09/2013 17:11

Thanks for all the thoughts. Your examples really help show the variation in humanity.

I think I'm really struggling with being in a very different culture to my professional one and not understanding the unwritten rules.

I love MN and find many of you funny, inspiring, thought provoking, etc and you're all out there in real life so I know women come in all varieties. I don't flirt with any man I meet that would make my job and DH very uncomfortable.

Begining to realise I don't have to be in with a crowd because we all had babies at the sametime but sadly for DC2 many of the childrens friendships are due to the parent friendships. The holidays were tough. I must make more of an effort.

What do you do if one person is horrible about another? Ignore it, tell them off or do as I do change the subject.

Birthdays - if the close friends organise something can the birthday person invite extra people or is it just a select group.

OP posts:
squoosh · 17/09/2013 17:13

But Sweetsweep, for example there are still lots of people with a Bernard Manning type sexist outlook. Strength in numbers doesn't validate a silly statement like 'women are basically nasty', or 'men are basically thick' or 'people from Luxembourg smell'.

A sexist/bigoted statement remains just that whether it's said by one person or a hundred people. And it's still sexist whether they fervently believe it to be true or not.

FriendlyLadybird · 17/09/2013 17:24

I think that if you go out looking to 'make friends', and especially when you are targeting a particular type of friend, it's doomed. I never set out to make friends at the school gate -- I just approached the mothers of children my own children were friendly with, and set up play dates. Some I them I clicked with, and we've become friends; some of them I didn't much, but it didn't matter because all we were doing was facilitating the friendship between our children. For the record, although I have been known to meet people for coffee (as well as in the pub), I have never texted anyone about a TV show or been to a private bbq. Or for that matter encountered bitching, nastiness and mocking other women. Really. Who are the women who do that?

Sweetsweep · 17/09/2013 17:24

So it is the truth that matters.
And a person can still be labelled sexist or whatever even if they believe the statement to be true. Seems a bit unfair somehow.
It means that someone can be called something not very nice even if they truly believed what they were saying to be true, in the first place. Hmm

In which case, a person should always be told nicely that their statement is untrue.

Sweetsweep · 17/09/2013 17:25

Thank you for explaining btw. I have alwasy wondered how it works.

squoosh · 17/09/2013 17:29

'And a person can still be labelled sexist or whatever even if they believe the statement to be true. Seems a bit unfair somehow.'

I'm sure Nick Griffin sincerely believes that non Caucasians are inferior beings. He believes that with all his heart and soul.

Doesn't mean that he isn't a piece of racist pond life.

motherinferior · 17/09/2013 17:30

No, it's that generalisations about people with a particular set of genitalia/skin colour/sexuality/age are offensive. I mean, I've met an awful lot of white people who happen to be total arseholes, but I don't extend that to all white people. And so on.

motherinferior · 17/09/2013 17:31

If you 'truly believe' that everyone of a certain race/sexuality/gender is nasty, then I rather think it is you who is 'not very nice'.

motherinferior · 17/09/2013 17:34

...but frankly, if you've got yourself into such an idiotic state that you are denying yourself access to the life-saving, marvellous richness that constitutes female friendship, you've really got nobody but yourself to blame.

plantsitter · 17/09/2013 17:36

Just meet up one on one with the kids. Some people you will never make friends with, some you will, some you will realise you've made the kind of friendship you've never had before because you weren't too prescriptive about it!

As for the 'unwritten rules', as in all cases be true to your own nature. If you hate bitching about people, don't do it. Not making friends with those who do means, let's face it, you will probably be bitched about at some point but who cares? You will be surrounding yourself with lovely positive people instead.

funnyossity · 17/09/2013 17:41

Longer term OP, children start to make their own friends at school and then you can invite them to play / for tea / to the park. As long as you don't tie yourself in knots waiting for reciprocal invites but are happy to host, your children don't have to miss out. If invites are turned down it's likely due to busy lives and don't take it personally.

springyduffy · 17/09/2013 18:13

oh, I love this thread! And you sound fab to me OP.

Be a volunteer at the school, gets you on the map in record time. Because you have A Role.

Be yourself. Easy to say. No point not being yourself, because then you'll be all awkward and befuddled. Sorry the hols were horrible - I know that one, it can drill you into the ground a bit.

Do you have sisters? If so, are your relationships with your sisters ok? I have toxic sisters so I've come from a minus position on female relating (not even a standing start). I suppose that's where you learn friendships with women (or unlearn them, as in my case). If you get A Role in the community you can observe from behind Your Role and it isn't such a full-frontal exchange iyswim.

You made me laugh with If you go for a coffee, you go in a small select circle you don't mention it to anyone else who happens to be standing next to you - in recognition. Would you want to be going along for a coffee with someone who did that anyway? Not really.

Your kids may be like you and only a select group will do. In which case, you're doing them a favour to be true to yourself. Then they won't feel they have to do a weird social thing that doesn't come naturally but can be themselves.

Tiger I salute you. Hear, hear to wirting down some rules so we all know what we're doing. I would start with 'Ask people how they are and work out if you really want to know. Or if the person asking really wants to know. A lot don't really want to know so don't do the full monty

dirtyface · 17/09/2013 18:23

oh i am crap at friends, i haven't got many and always wish i had more but i am not that sort of person :(

i have one true best friend, she is the only one apart from dh i can be myself around (although tbh she annoys the hell out of me half the time :o )

i have another "best friend" who is basically my oldest friend, i don't see her much and wish i saw her more, but she is very popular with dozens of friends and i am just one of many wanting her time

then i have a lovely new-ish friend who i really like, we probably meet like once a week

then i have a couple of sort of friends i know through above new-ish friend but i only see them if i am with new-ish friend, i don't think i would know what to say to them if i ever saw them without her

then i have another couple of old friends i see once in a blue moon but mostly chat to via fb

then i have another acquaintance who seems to really want to be my friend and is always trying to get me to meet etc but she annoys me and makes me feel suffocated

so no idea in answer to OP

defineme · 17/09/2013 22:02

I think changing the subject is the polite thing to do, though I suppose you can offer a differing pov without being confrontational.

Of course you can invite anyone you like to your own birthday celebration. I suppose if it was a limited numbers experience it might cause a hiccup if you brought hordes along with you?
If you had some bad experiences then you might just have come across some strange people?

If it's just the kids friendships you want to further then simply get your kids to give their friends notes which invite them to tea-put your mobile number on it and then the parent will text you a reply-then you will have their numbers so you can invite kids over in the holidays too.

MrsMelons · 17/09/2013 22:11

geekgal hands off they're it's mine ha ha! Grin

WaspInTheHouse · 18/09/2013 10:16

You don't have to follow other people's unwritten rules, be yourself. Yes, there are judgy people out there who may comment on social faux pas, so what! If they care that much they're not likely to be any kind of lasting friend anyway, and if they're wont to complain about people if it's not one thing it's another.

I've never made friends for my child, I could not stand to be in the company of people who made me uncomfortable, I'm just not that self-sacrificing! He hasn't suffered.

lainiekazan · 18/09/2013 10:23

I am crap at friends too.

I have a significant birthday coming up and I realised sadly that if I had a party the guests would all fit in the downstairs loo with ample elbow room Sad

I see mums etc all sitting in coffee shops laughing and I wonder how on earth they get started? I have gone through two two dcs at school and never once gone for a coffee with anyone. I am just not their type. Can't text for a start.

Hullygully · 18/09/2013 11:31

Here is my theory:

All the people that talk about having no friends and being sad, all focus on:

  1. What is wrong with them, why don't people like them?
  1. What they want from friendship (if they could get it)

IT'S ALL WRONG

You go out there, you talk to anyone and everyone, of both genders, because you are GENUINELY INTERESTED in them and their lives and thoughts. Some of those people you will "click" with and gradually they will become friends.

If you are not GENUINELY INTERESTED, if you ask questions because you think you should (and feel bitter that you aren't necessarily asked back on a 50:50 basis), it won't work.

It's not hard. Just take an interest in people and don't bother about expectations and especially stop thinking about what you want.