Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for £900 per month

179 replies

Mumom0 · 17/09/2013 11:10

I had a 3.5 year relationship with a man with whom I have now split. I was a single parent working earning about 20 k and as I have 4 kids, also received £970 pm in WFTC. When he moved in I had to inform tax credits of his £35k earnings, therefore losing that money. I said he should pay me £900 per month so my family did not lose out ( this is after all what the govt consider I need to keep my family in basics ) .
He thought this was a lot, as with a previous partner they split the bills so only payed about £600 each towards outgoings.

Since we split he has implied that he kept us, which made me feel cross as I was independent before (admittedly relying on tax credits).

Was I unreasonable to expect him to make up the difference in lost benefits to support kids which are not his, or right to make sure I had money to provide for them?

Has anyone else been in this situation - what did you do?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 00:23

Wow AF, really?

Really?

ALittleStranger · 18/09/2013 00:26

But AF this is the issue, the "system" is very generous to the OP. That stopped when her ex moved in and she wanted compensation. It wasn't about splitting the bills but reimbursing her when the state stopped playing parent. Us that amount wound have been calculated based on her being a lone parent so to expect pound for pound matching when she had all the other perks of having a partner again is unreasonable, in my view.

I get what people are saying about moving in with a SP carrying responsibilities but I have to be honest, my instinct is it's not fair to ask the new DP to go 50:50 to support her kids and I'm not surprised so many step families crumble if this is the expectation.

ModeratelyObvious · 18/09/2013 00:30

What perks were they, ALS?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2013 00:32

BF, can't I express surprise any more ?

20k plus 900 quid a month is a lot of money in my world. I don't ever go on the benefits threads and have never done that bashing thing in my life, if that is what your shock is pertaining to

ALittleStranger · 18/09/2013 00:36

Economies of scale (I presume you know the state says a couple need less to live on each than a single parent), emotional support, help with childcare etc, or are we going to claim that having her partner move in wasn't intended to improve her life and was just a charitable act?

ModeratelyObvious · 18/09/2013 00:42

Um, maybe they were in love?

Just a thought.

It was up to this guy whether or not he moved in, y'know.

The cost of a couple to eat, heat and sleep may be less than the cost of two singles, but childcare costs (which I assume is what much of the wftc covered) is no less.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 18/09/2013 00:43

Damned of do and damned of don't it seems. Answer is to work full time in job that is sufficiently well paid it covers cost of all childcare and living expenses. Only have relationship with man who earns same as you and can and will contribute equal amount to pot and not a penny more or less.

If you can't manage this (why not? you're obv not trying hard enough) then stay a blood sucking drain on public purse socially substandard citizen single parent until children leave home.

HTH

FFS.

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 01:06

Of course you are AF but £20k is bog all!

I am just surprised at your surprise that a single mother of 4 children would receive that amount when you take into account her incomings and outgoings. As I said, I currently receive more than that because I had my children when my income could comfortably support them and then thanks to redundancy, I no longer can as my income is NMW.

£900 added to a salary of £1368 (rounded up take home of £20k) is £2270 (ish) a month. Average rent in the UK is over £700 a month, so lets assume £650 plus C band council tax in Birmingham (no idea where the OP is from btw) which is £105 per month. Then add Gas, Electric, Phone line and Water and you have getting on for £1000 straight away.

Then food....well I do ours on less than £120 a week for 8 but I am as tight as a ducks arse and always cook from scratch, so lets say £120 a week for her 5. That leaves roughly £600 a month for travel, school trips, clothes, shoes and the other 25% of her childcare costs for the OP and her 4 children. Its not a lot is it?

needaholidaynow · 18/09/2013 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SugarMouse1 · 18/09/2013 01:30

YABU

He was bloody paying for you anyway through his taxes, as was every other taxpayer; as you decided to have four bloody kids!

Did he at least use a condom Hmm?

SugarMouse1 · 18/09/2013 01:32

I wonder if the OP got CSA payments from the dc's fathers as well?

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 01:37

Need isnt unemployment very high where you are though? that might account for the cheap rent. The higher the employment to housing ratio, the higher the rent. So if you want a higher paying job you have to move somewhere where there are higher jobs, and that will cost you more in rent so you probably wouldnt be any better off in real terms.

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 01:38

He was bloody paying for you anyway through his taxes, as was every other taxpayer; as you decided to have four bloody kids!

Bingo! Full House of benefit bashers!

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 01:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

SugarMouse1 · 18/09/2013 01:47

You must be so proud of yourself, Bogeyface

And don't come on an adult forum if you can't debate without resorting to childish insults.

needaholidaynow · 18/09/2013 01:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 01:50

And don't come on an adult forum if you can't debate without resorting to childish insults.

I refer you back to....

Did he at least use a condom hmm?

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 01:56

need its all relative, thats why TC are based on the children in a home as the costs for them are the best way to judge financial need in a flawed system. Given the massive financial gulf between the south east and the north west (for example), its difficult to be able to calculate each family's need on a national basis, and far too expensive to do it on a local basis.

You could move to say...Derby and earn more, but pay more in rent, childcare etc. So then you move to Dunstable and again, earn more but pay more in rent and childcare. After all of those moves, you would probably end up with no more in your purse than if you had stayed put.

I am in the Midlands and £20k is bugger all here, I dread to think how little it would buy in London.

SugarMouse1 · 18/09/2013 02:11

Bogeyface

What is childish about asking if the OP wished to continue having kids?

What did the ex think about a woman with 4 dc's getting so much in benefits, I wonder?

Sorry, but it sounds as if this man had his head screwed on and has had a very, very lucky escape!

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 02:36

Living together for 3.5 years? I would say that he was fine with what she was getting, just pissed off that she lost it when he moved in and had to pay his way!

And you asking if he used a condom implied that she was having children in order to claim more benefits, after insulting her and her "bloody kids". You're right, its not childish, it is downright insulting.

SugarMouse1 · 18/09/2013 02:44

Well, it does sound like she was, so it's a reasonable question

She wasn't exactly adverse to all that lovely free money, now was she?

If she didn't want people to have any opinion, she shouldn't have posted here and asked for views.

Remember, 900 a month is more than a lot of people earn, it's incredibly stupid to make benefits this much just for having children

stop it all, and hey presto, Chantal would go on the pill.

skittycat · 18/09/2013 05:17

Honestly I think you were being unreasonable to tell him he was to make up the shortfall in your benefits. Whilst others have said he should have realised that he was taking on kids and extra expense there, you should have realised about the loss of 'your' money before you moved in.... You make it sound like an inconvenience that a partner of 3.5 years moved in with you.

I do, however, think he should have been contributing to household bills etc, but fail to see why it should have been more than your contribution. Yes, he took on a woman with kids, but you still got £70 tax credit (if I'm reading that right) and hopefully maintenance from your children's father as well as any other benefits parents can recieve (child benefit?). This added to his half of the bills etc would still have been a reasonable amount (I'm working off the knowledge that mine and my other halfs outgoings on bills etc is £1300 a month).

If I'm honest you went about it in a crap way. Telling a partner he must pay what you've lost in benefit when he moves in is hardly the sign of a solid relationship and implies that money is your priority over him. May sound harsh but oh well.

ITCouldBeWorse · 18/09/2013 07:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/09/2013 07:36

Will 900 per month even cover childcare for all 4?

ModeratelyObvious · 18/09/2013 07:46

If I was Op and I thought me and my family would have less to live on after I moved in with my boyfriend, and that would make a difference to their quality of life, I wouldn't move in with him, because I'd put my kids before my love life.

Everyone moving in together has pragmatic discussions like where suits their commute, what they can afford etc. Hers was simply "we can live together if you contribute £x but not if you don't" - if ex wasn't prepared to do that, he could have stayed living in his own place.