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AIBU?

DP said he was unsure of his feelings for someone else

102 replies

kumamon · 16/09/2013 16:52

We've been together about a year. Yesterday he said he had to tell me something - a girl was moving back into town who he had a fling with last year before he and I met. This had unnerved him and he phoned her so they could chat and he could see how he felt as he "wasn't sure if he had feelings for her", and he wanted to know how she felt.

The upshot is that they have agreed not to be in contact, but he told me in case we bumped into her at some point.

I'm mid-thirties, I'm not naive, I know in relationships you can still be attracted to other people - but this feels different and I am pretty shaken. He says "I didn't know where I stood with her and I had to talk to her" - if we have been together a year how can he not know where he stands with someone else?

He can't seem to understand why I feel threatened by this and just says I shouldn't. AIBU not to accept that he has checked out his feelings and says I have nothing to worry about?

OP posts:

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TrueStory · 16/09/2013 18:20

It sounds like he's holding a candle for her.

OR he's torturing you.

You decide.

TrueStory · 16/09/2013 18:21

And either way, agree its a "headfuck". Grrr...

Viviennemary · 16/09/2013 18:22

At first I thought no need to worry as they have decided not to see each other. If you don't trust his explanation then quiz him again as what he meant by 'unsure of his feelings'. But unsure of his feelings is probably unsure of whether or not he still has feelings for her. Hmm red flag here I'm afraid. Hope you sort things out.

harrietlichman · 16/09/2013 18:26

Another one here saying 'dump him' - you deserve better than someone who sounds as if he's hedging his bets.

StuntGirl · 16/09/2013 18:37

If she'd have said yes he'd have been off like a shot.

He is trying to emotionally head fuck you over this. He's not some bewildered innocent little lamb who just doesn't know what direction his cock wants to go in...he knows exactly what he's doing.

If you can live with that as the foundation of your relationship then go right ahead.

Glimmerberry · 16/09/2013 18:43

The only reason for him telling you this, that I can see, is because in his mind he has prepared you for the possibility that he might go back to her...and therefore he rationalises that he's not a total dick because he gave you some warning.

He is a dick though, cos he thought he could say it, tick the "not a dick" box and then carry on as usual with no consequences or repercussions i.e. have his cake and eat it.

Inertia · 16/09/2013 18:48

Sorry, this is harsh, but it comes across that he's been with you while his Ex was elsewhere. Now she's back on the scene he wants to test out his chances with her. I don't think he's committed to you, and he's probably being vague so he can keep you on the back burner while he tries to fix up with her again.

Everyone has history, but it's only history if it's over. This isn't over for him, and it looks like he's doing his best to make this woman his future.

LadyRabbit · 16/09/2013 18:52

kumamon it sounds a bit fishy if you ask me. I've never had a 'fling' and then felt the need to re-connect with the individual after it was over. I think you can only have a strong response - ie. feel unnerved - if there is some kind of residual emotion there, whether that be love/anger/hate.

I think you need to really talk about this with him but it doesn't sound good. Especially since you've been together a year - why on earth would he re-contact this person? Surely he'd just make an effort to avoid her.

TheOrchardKeeper · 16/09/2013 18:53

He's basically not over her.

It sounds like he was practically preparing you for a dumping, until he realized that she didn't want in, which is why he's now backtracking...

Either way, I bet it's not long before this has rotted the core of the relationship anyway, whether or not anything happens between them. I'd run a mile.

KurriKurri · 16/09/2013 19:02

Another suggestion, he tells you he has feelings for this woman, you get upset, your behaviour alters (and it will because you don't know where you stand any more) he can ditch you and justify his shittiness by telling himself and others that you changed and became difficult etc etc.

Bastards will do whatever it takes to put you in the wrong.

MissStrawberry · 16/09/2013 19:09

Does he have a baby with her?

SarahAndFuck · 16/09/2013 19:11

He's not over her.

Possibly he wanted to maintain a long distance relationship and either she didn't want that or she tried but it didn't work out for her and she ended it after she moved.

That might explain the "more than friends" after she had moved comment.

He spoke to her because he wanted to check how she felt about him now she was back.

This is going to torment you until you can't stand it any longer. And he's gong to tell you that you are paranoid, that you are creating a problem, that it's all in your head, that he's done nothing wrong. If she shows any interest in him then he will tell you that he's allowed to have friends and that you are jealous and shouldn't stop him, that he loves you but he needs her, that she's fragile or lonely and he's only being a mate. And you are going to feel like you are going slowly crazy.

Squitten · 16/09/2013 19:17

Ask him why, if he is genuinely committed to you, he needs to check his feelings for someone else? Ask him why he doesn't already know the answer - that he likes YOU and so her and her situation are irrelevant.

Unfortunately, I think there's only one possible reason for that and you know what it is...

TheOrchardKeeper · 16/09/2013 19:19

Also, if he's not over her and was a decent bloke this would not be an issue 1 whole year later. He'd have ended your relationship or gotten over it, not carried on with it because it was there (or whatever crap reason).

WhoNickedMyName · 16/09/2013 19:22

How did he know she was moving back to town?

SaucyJack · 16/09/2013 19:31

He's right in that you have nothing to worry about with this other woman.

But this is only because she patently doesn't want him back. Sorry.

clam · 16/09/2013 19:32

Where's your self-respect, girl?! You need to get

He doesn't understand what you're on about? Explain in words of few syllables. You will not put up with him approaching other women (regardless of when he "knew" them) to see if there's any chance they're still interested in him. There's only one possible reason for him to be doing that (and bollocks to "we might have run into her") and it makes it very clear where you are in his priorities. So he can f* right off.

quoteunquote · 16/09/2013 19:36

He is entertaining the idea of his life before, who knows what the reality of that would be, they split for a reason, did she dump him?

but, for me the bottom line is I want/deserve to be adored by the person I adore, everyone does, everyone should be adored (loved and respected),

if your husband no longer wants the job of adoring you, he needs to be honest with himself and go and do whatever,

and allow someone else the wonderful opportunity of adoring you,

I would find it very difficult to adore someone who had told me that they had intentions else where.

Sorry you have been hurt, it is vile, be kind to yourself, and do what ever is best for you personally.

totallydone · 16/09/2013 19:37

Oh OP believe me he knows exactly where you are coming from-don't let him fool you.

He was checking to see if she was available and if so he would have been off like a shot. You are now his fall back option, second choice.

You deserve better than that. Don't be a fool.

Fairenuff · 16/09/2013 20:22

It's my guess that you are the rebound relationship. These types of relationships rarely last because they just serve a purpose until the need is no longer there.

Time to call it a day.

Xales · 16/09/2013 20:29

Agree with most of the others.

He contacted her to see if he had a chance. She has said no so he had decided to stay with you. If she had said yes you would be dumped.

Only you can decide if that is good enough for you.

Sorry.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/09/2013 20:33

You've only been dating this man a year, you don't live with him and you are not married. Are you looking to get married and have children, or are you reasonably laid back about sexual/romantic relationships? If you want a commitment, you need to bin this man and find another one, because he is really not considering you as his future wife/mother of his DC. You are his Will Do For Now. If you felt the same way about him and were able just to shrug at the mention of another woman, it would be fine on both sides (for a couple to make big commitments is not compulsory, it can be fine for all concerned to continue a FWB situation for decades).

If he's such a good shag or a good laugh that you don't want to dump him, make sure that you give other aspects of your life as much if not more priority than any kind of relationship with him. Don't move in with him, don't even discuss moving in together and FFS don't let him impregnate you, because he doesn't sound like a keeper.

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HopeS01 · 16/09/2013 20:33

YANBU, OP.
I'm sorry for you, under those circumstances I would be unnerved too.

forehead · 16/09/2013 20:40

He wants her back, she is not interested. You will do for now. Simple as

expatinscotland · 16/09/2013 20:43

Oh, a mindfucker! Yep. Been there. There is only one thing for such an immature dick: DUMP.

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