Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To say No and speak my mind?

106 replies

Nellelephant · 16/09/2013 09:04

Ok, a bit of background: My Sil's boyfriend has just started his job as a teacher. I have been a graphic designer for over 5 years. We are both the same age but he chopped and changed what career he wanted after uni. We very rarely see each other, he's not really someone I or DH would socialise with. To be honest when we do see him I spend my time biting my tongue and tolerating him in order to keep the peace. We have very different views.

Last Friday I had a Facebook post from him completely out of the blue (haven't seen him for 3 months) saying 'you know how you are an awesome and generous designer, well I need a favour. I need a school poster doing by Tuesday, can I count on you?

Now maybe to most people that is a fair enough favour to ask of me but I found it patronising and degrading. Surely school posters are a part of his job that he is getting paid to do! I would never ask a favour of someone I don't have anything to do with for months at a time. It made me feel like I'm seen as a child with a crayon and that my profession is viewed as twee: want something to look pretty, ask Nell to do it for free. My Fil did something similar recently for his business and I never got a thank you and felt incredibly used.

I was pretty stressed out with work last week so I wasn't in the mood for being publicly patronised in this way without saying something. I told him that as a teacher, a school poster is part of his job that he is getting paid to do. At the most if he wants to delegate then he can ask one of his pupils to do it. I said that I'm sure he didn't mean for his comment to come across as patronising or demonstrating such a lack of respect for my profession, but that's how it made me feel so no I will not do you this favour.

He deleted the post and I've not heard from him since but Mil saw my reply and has told me that I am incredibly rude and out of order. That he is entitled to ask me for a favour and that I should be polite because he is practically family.

Perhaps I should have simply said no but I'm fed up of having to bite my tongue when I feel I am being mocked and insulted, just because they are the in laws. Was I wrong to express my opinion, should I have said yes and done his work for him?

Sorry that's so long.

OP posts:

beepoff · 16/09/2013 10:49

Yes apologise unreservedly. You are wise to take the feedback here on board.

FWIW helping people out even though I don't have to gives me a nice warm glowing feeling. Saying negative things to people even if justified always leaves me feeling shitty.

LadyMacmuff · 16/09/2013 10:52

You know OP, you could always take this as a compliment, instead of poo-pooing what you do, someone in the family has asked for your help! (Albeit in a rather cheeky rude way!) I flew off the handle recently about something where I felt a bit slighted and that someone was being rude to me, and was mortified afterwards as I could have handled it much better. Like you I was stressed and angry when I did it. I now have a little rule for myself that if something really gets on my tits I just hang fire and don't reply at all until I've had a chance to really think about it before firing off an all guns blazing slightly bonkers response. You will get more respect if you act with integrity in the long run, and if they don't respect you, you can at least respect yourself! Good luck sorting it out!

curryeater · 16/09/2013 10:53

No, don't go overboard with all this "I made a fool of myself" bollocks. You didn't, you made a fool of him, and that is why he deleted it. You were arguably unkind, you were not a fool, you ARE not a fool, do not position yourself as such.

don't write that stupid rambling breast-beating thing that pictish suggested. Just say, "Sorry I was so snippy about your request. No excuse, but it was an extremely stressy week at work and I should have thought twice before hitting send. Hope it's all going well, best of luck with the event. See you soon I hope" (last bit a lie, obv)

Pennyacrossthehall · 16/09/2013 10:56

For a first ask (no matter how presumptuous / condesceding), you were a bit harsh.

If he ever asks again, send him this link:

www.27bslash6.com/p2p2.html

PatriciaHolm · 16/09/2013 10:57

Blimey, an AIBU in which everyone says YES you are and the OP returns and very graciously agrees! What is MN coming to?

Well done OP.

Slipshodsibyl · 16/09/2013 10:57

I think his request was framed cheekily and in an over entitled way. It would probably as you know have even best to respond privately but he should have apologised after deleting the message.

It sounds as if the issue is that you feel disregarded and under valued by you extended family and if your parents in law failed to thank you for work you did for them as you say I can understand your feelings. Don't feel too bad a bout what you did. The fault is not all yours.

pictish · 16/09/2013 10:58

Or you know...what curryeater said.

I'm a sufferer of foot in mouth syndrome, and usually apologise very gravely. I think being more flippant/casual is the way to go actually.

captainmummy · 16/09/2013 11:00

I have read the thread - and want to say, well done OP. No beating about the bush - and at least everyone knows where they stand. Can't stand people ho moan about being 'busy' and don't tell it how it is.

I'm concerned that MIL is against you tyho, as SILs boyfriend is 'nearly' family wtf? You are family (or should be) and she should be more sympathetic to you.

And those who reckon she shouldn't have done it on FB - well, he put it there in the first place. Who does that -

roundtable · 16/09/2013 11:06

Well done op. Don't send anything off straight away until you've read and reread. Maybe have a serious conversation about how his family make you feel which is why you overreacted.

You don't have to do the poster if you don't want to though.

Amazing how we know that sil's boyfriend is a teacher martyr. Please can we not turn this into a teacher bashing thread.

roundtable · 16/09/2013 11:12

Yes, I agree. Don't gush and don't apologise for not doing the poster. The only apology needed is for the tone/rude message.

The way he asked you in a way to manipulate you into saying yes was annoying. Some (not all) people who work with children have a tenancy to forget to turn it off.

NotYoMomma · 16/09/2013 11:13

this whole thread is

his message was short and a bit cheeky but fuck me how you injected all of that hidden meaning and feeling like a twee little girl who does pretty things I will never know

CoffeeTea103 · 16/09/2013 11:14

Well done op for taking all the comments on board and realizing that you need to apologize. You also had a good think about why you reacted and saw that you took it out on one person. Hope it all works out for you

Original poster

Nellelephant · 16/09/2013 11:14

I have sent my apology to him and sent one to Mil too. She's on the other side of the world so not easy to speak to her either. I was honest with him and said that what I wrote was an overreaction and I shouldn't have said those things publicly. I took all my stresses out on him which he didn't deserve and I explained my reasons, feeling taken for granted and worn down by the jokes that are made.

I don't know if he will accept it, I will just have to wait and see. I can admit when I have been in the wrong, sometimes I just need to take a step back to see it.

OP posts:

pictish · 16/09/2013 11:15

Me too OP. x

digerd · 16/09/2013 11:15

I found his wording blatently gushing with insincere flattery in his attempt to manipulate you. " you know you are an awesome and generous designer" etc. Not " I know you are a brilliant designer and would love you to design a poster for my school, if you have the time".

Even if he had not mentioned paying you, I am sure you would have reacted generously .
However your public reply was OTT, but I understand how you felt.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 16/09/2013 11:19

Your apology was good. If he doesn't accept it, don't worry. Because he should be ashamed of himself for the way he asked you. He was wrong and you were right to be annoyed, even if you should have reacted differently at the time.

JohnnyFontaneCannaeSing · 16/09/2013 11:21

Not wrong to say no but went wrong way about it.

theboutiquemummy · 16/09/2013 11:22

Ynabu to say no that's your prerogative but it sounds like there's so much more to this then a request for help

So what's the real problem why do you dislike him so ?

KatyTheCleaningLady · 16/09/2013 11:26

Artists hate being asked to do shit for free all the time. If you need a favour of one, you need to ask them in a very nice way that doesn't make them feel obligated or taken for granted. And if it's at all possible, you should offer to pay something.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 16/09/2013 11:33

It would be interesting to see how this thread would have gone if the op had posted before she replied to his message on Facebook.

User3433399 · 16/09/2013 11:40

Well done OP. I hope he does accept it - it's hard to back down and apologise and you should be proud of yourself.

Come back and let us know what they reply x

Original poster

Nellelephant · 16/09/2013 11:41

@ Katythecleaninglady Perhaps I should have come on MN first and expressed my rage, then I wouldn't be in this situation. :)

OP posts:

KatyTheCleaningLady · 16/09/2013 11:50

I'm sure some people would be saying that you should have been nice and been happy to help for free.

Original poster

Nellelephant · 16/09/2013 12:04

@ theboutiquemummy I don't want to go in to details, that's a whole other thread but I dislike his attitude towards others I guess. I think everyone else is used to it as they have known him all his life, all the families are from the same town, the grandparents went to school together as did the parents and then the kids. They take his comments with a pinch of salt and accept that that is just the way he is. But I as a recent addition to the family network in comparison, (6 years) take these things to heart.

OP posts:

Misspixietrix · 16/09/2013 12:06

Ouch! I do think you were being a bit unreasonable in the Public Flogging but I'm guessing you wo?'t be asked again anytime soon! YWNBU to say No though

Flip

1 2 3 4 5