To say No and speak my mind?

[Nellelephant]

Ok, a bit of background: My Sil's boyfriend has just started his job as a teacher. I have been a graphic designer for over 5 years. We are both the same age but he chopped and changed what career he wanted after uni. We very rarely see each other, he's not really someone I or DH would socialise with. To be honest when we do see him I spend my time biting my tongue and tolerating him in order to keep the peace. We have very different views.

Last Friday I had a Facebook post from him completely out of the blue (haven't seen him for 3 months) saying 'you know how you are an awesome and generous designer, well I need a favour. I need a school poster doing by Tuesday, can I count on you?

Now maybe to most people that is a fair enough favour to ask of me but I found it patronising and degrading. Surely school posters are a part of his job that he is getting paid to do! I would never ask a favour of someone I don't have anything to do with for months at a time. It made me feel like I'm seen as a child with a crayon and that my profession is viewed as twee: want something to look pretty, ask Nell to do it for free. My Fil did something similar recently for his business and I never got a thank you and felt incredibly used.

I was pretty stressed out with work last week so I wasn't in the mood for being publicly patronised in this way without saying something. I told him that as a teacher, a school poster is part of his job that he is getting paid to do. At the most if he wants to delegate then he can ask one of his pupils to do it. I said that I'm sure he didn't mean for his comment to come across as patronising or demonstrating such a lack of respect for my profession, but that's how it made me feel so no I will not do you this favour.

He deleted the post and I've not heard from him since but Mil saw my reply and has told me that I am incredibly rude and out of order. That he is entitled to ask me for a favour and that I should be polite because he is practically family.

Perhaps I should have simply said no but I'm fed up of having to bite my tongue when I feel I am being mocked and insulted, just because they are the in laws. Was I wrong to express my opinion, should I have said yes and done his work for him?

Sorry that's so long.

Btw - I agree, on refelction, that his original request was actually pretty manipulative and presumptuous. He obviously didn't realise his request was a big ask. However, your reply was still well out of proportion. A flat no would have sufficed. He's your sil's partner, and isn't responsible in any way for how you feel your family regard your job. He has probably never given it single thought.

Back in the knife drawer Ms. Sharp!

I'd have done it... Or if I really didn't want to I'd have said I was too busy. There was no need to hand him his arse on a plate, ffs!

What an awful reply to him op, There was no need to speak to him like that, I don't think his post was patronising at all.

You sound quite unhinged tbh.

And ywbvu!

Think you vomited all your resentment on him and not all if itis correctly allocated. Think you need to address that instead of exploding on one random person.

Think your response was waaaay OTT and makes you look a bit mad, tbh.

We have a lovely graphic designer parent at school who has done several PTA posters. They are fabulous, way above anything any of us could knock up on powerpoint. Pretty sure he doesn't feel belittled or degraded about doing them.

I think your SIL's Boyfriend obviously hit a few buttons and ignited a rant that really he didn't deserve. I think you need to say sorry for overreacting, but you are really busy right now and can't help, maybe another time if he gives you more notice?

Thank you for everyone's replies. I am taking it all on board and yes a lot of you are right, I am sensitive and I do take things to heart. It's something that my DH often says to me and its interesting to see that complete strangers can see that about me too. Hmm, its eye opening. a long hard look in the mirror is needed i think.

I am drafting an apology to Sil's boyfriend (i dont have a phone number for him and i've no idea when we will see each other again) Going to think carefully about what i say this time. I would have apologised to him regardless at some point as I don't think we could get beyond this otherwise but you have all made me realise that I have just unloaded years worth of built up resentment on to one person.

This is why I posted, to get opinions from people who don't know me. I have married into a family that have had a very easy life and upbringing where as I had a pretty tough time and I sometimes see this as a reason not to owe them anything. I know that's the wrong attitude and although i dont agree with a lot of their views, sil's bf especially, they are all lovely apart from the snippy comments about what I do. They find it a joke and don't realise I take it all seriously, I obviously need to communicate this to them.

Thank you everyone. Think I need a cup of tea. It's quite something reading brutally honest comments about yourself but its clearly what I needed.

YABU You were quite rude.

You sounded very rude and like you are the one with the massive chip on your shoulder. It was a cheeky request but not patronising in any way. Perfectly fine to say no you couldn't do it. But no need to be so rude.

Awww OP, fair play to you. I think you DO need to consider that perhaps you are more sensitive than needs be. Your reply was so disproportionate.
Your in laws aren't actually obliged to be in raptures over your job you know. I think you felt diminished by them from the off because your backgrounds are so opposing, and that yes, you may have a teeny tiny chip on your shoulder about it. It's not their job to make you feel good about yourself. Of course, it's nice if they do - but more often than not, with inlaws, a pleasant, civil relationship can be considered good going.

As regards the email. Think carefully about how you word it. Don't gush...just own up and make your sincere apology.

OP I think writing an apology is a good idea BUT I would also make it clear as to WHY you were so upset.
And I would make it clear to everyone in your DH's family that they cannot keep laughing at you about your job. After all it's a job, it brings money and you love it. There is no need to make comment about it.

Well done for taking it on the chin OP, none of us are perfect and it's always a bit of a punch in the guts when we realise something about ourselves that we couldn't see before. Have had a bit of an epiphany recently about my own attitude and thought process towards something's and it too has required a good long look in the mirror, which isn't an easy thing to do but may be a good thing in the long run.

I think you need to work on not giving a toss what others may feel about your job. Do you like what you do? Do you feel good at your job? If yes then you don't need anyone else's validation. It only really matters how you feel about it.

And btw - the fact that you gave him a public roasting for everyone to see (by your own design), makes it all the more galling. Ouch ouch and triple ouch.

Do thank him for the deletion.

xpost pictish. I do think though that it is only polite to respect other people' work. The fact they aren't that keen on it doesn't mean it gives them the right to make jokes about it.
The 'Oh it's just a mickey degree' tells me that they think it's OK to make fun of the degree the OP has done, which isn't on as she is working doing that specific job so it can't be that much of a 'mickey degree' iyswim.

The message she was rude has Been heard & taken on board. I would suggest further comments pointing out rudeness could in fact themselves be rude as it would seem you are ignoring OPs latest post & having fun ticking her off.

We all make mistakes OP... you at least are prepared to learn from them & it's great that you are willing to apologise. Not an easy thing to do, so well done you. Do take the time to talk to your in laws about your feelings. Sometimes people really are unaware that their jokes are not funny or have worn thin.

don't beat yourself up too much.

an apology is good, but apologise for what you're sorry about. explain that you feel taken for granted and at the same time belittled and it's been going on for years. apologise about your public comment and that you took your anger out on him. leave it at that.

Actually at this point I wouldn't go into it too much with him about how you feel others comment on your job it will make the apology sound like an "I'm sorry for what I said BUT it was everyone else's fault".

I would go for a straight forward "I'm really sorry for my outburst, it was completely out of order, maybe we could speak soon and clear the air". Then when you speak in person you can talk about why this is such an issue to you.

aww good on ya op

If you are drafting an apology I think you should be very clear that you are apologising for ticking him off in public, not for not doing the work.

"I have married into a family that have had a very easy life and upbringing where as I had a pretty tough time and I sometimes see this as a reason not to owe them anything. I know that's the wrong attitude and although i dont agree with a lot of their views, sil's bf especially, they are all lovely apart from the snippy comments about what I do. They find it a joke and don't realise I take it all seriously, I obviously need to communicate this to them. "

I totally see where you are coming from with all this. However, all teachers all see themselves automatically at the top of the "victim" pile. They work harder than anyone, get less money than anyone, are saving the planet single-handedly while designers (for instance) lounge around in glass-and-chrome buildings drinking fancy coffee and laughing while they draft ridiculously inflated bills, etc. I suspect that teacher-hero/martyr-complex might to some extent lie behind the arrogant way in which he made this request (or he might be just an entitled dick) so you will find it hard to communicate why and in what ways he should take you seriously. I still think it is worth trying.
Part of why they think it is a joke may be because you are a woman and would find your career a bit of a laugh whatever you did.
they sound like a bunch of arseholes but I guess you have to get on with them. It may be that you will have to accept that they will never respect you; or maybe you can't / shouldn't accept this and will have to have as little to do with them as possible. Make damn sure that attitude isn't in your partner too though, if you are staying together for the long term. I would watch that right now and make your decisions accordingly.

I think you have had a bit of a rough ride on this thread. I think "chippy" accusations are usually unfair - just a way of shutting up people who sense they are being insulted but no one else cares

And agreed the OP has taken on board the harsh criticism (I was fairly harsh myself) so I don't think anymore flaming is required.

Think that's a rather sweeping statement about teachers there zut (I'm not one by the way).

I agree that your apology should be for public rudeness, not for not doing the work. I think asking someone you hardly know to do their job for you for free is very presumptuous. I would have quoted my hourly rate back at him.

He is not blameless either. The way in which he phrased the request could have been far politer. Hevdoesnt actually say 'please'. Even without the family history and not much liking the guy, I would have found the way it was phrased obnoxious - the idea that he praises you and you're so pathetically pleased with the praise you're prepared to do your job for free. Ugh.

ifcatshadthumbs, I know, and I know teachers do work hard, but goddammit who doesn't? And they do go on about it, like no one else.
My mum was a senior teacher, had no time for me, was always knackered, and I always grimace when someone says they are thinking of re-training as a teacher as it is "family friendly". I was basically abandoned to my fate*. But that is why I resent the self-righteousness that often goes with all this hard work - I had all this martyrdom and hero-dom at home, while being basically neglected, and to this day I find it hard to stomach the sense of moral superiority of teachers. So you see, there is a chip I suppose

• supposedly because my mum was a teacher and too busy for me but actually now she is retired and still too busy to listen to a single word I say, I think maybe I am unfairly blaming the teacher-dom

YABU

you have just said "No, I'm really busy" unless he didn't take no for an answer and I'm missing something.

I agree catwiththumbs.

Don't go into a long winded explanation of your feelings about this, because that just makes it all about you. The apology has to be about him.

"Please accept my apologies regarding my reply to you on facebook. I lost my temper and made a fool of myself. I am so relieved that you deleted the conversation.
I have ongoing issues that have arisen from the attitudes of others regarding my job, and you bore the brunt of it. My response was disproportionate to say the least. I was rude to you, and I am very sorry."

You seem over-concerned with careers and who qualified first and who is the best...weird, you're immature and your reaction was mean.