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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel totally disgusted with dh reply?

37 replies

painttheworld · 15/09/2013 21:43

Bit of back story, dh and i are having big problems
this year, leaving me feeling likev he doesn't take me and my dreams/values seriously.

His brother, who i also loved, died suddenly 3 weeks ago.. we are botj distressed, he obvipualy the most. Trying to be kind to each other.
Friends have been amazing.

Two families have made plans with us this weekend, which we have both enjpyed. Chattong this eve about how nice it has been, i pointed out they were trying to show him support/just be there for him.

He replied that he doesn't need that/it doesn't mattet to him-very dismissive tone, implying that these people are not wprth much to him.

They are more my friends than his, but he likes them and enjoys meeting up.

I am horrified, it seems like once again he belittles anything that he others do. Another nail in rhe coffin of us, or am i bu ? e

OP posts:

TheWinterOne · 15/09/2013 21:45

3 weeks isn't long at all. I think it's probably his grief talking.

NotYoMomma · 15/09/2013 21:45

maybe he meant that he just enjoyed the nice evening and doesnt need it to be just to 'show him support'

he might have taken it to mean that he thought they were pity plans iyswim?

maybe?

perplexedpirate · 15/09/2013 21:47

Sounds like grief talking to me.
Try not to make any big decisions during this awful time.
So sorry for you both.

parakeet · 15/09/2013 21:47

I know you are grieving too, but I think you need to be kind to him for a lot longer than three weeks.

Onesleeptillwembley · 15/09/2013 21:47

He's hurting and putting a brave face on it. Let it go, neither of you need to be more upset through no real fault of either of you.

ExcuseTypos · 15/09/2013 21:49

I don't think you should judge him on anything at the moment. 3 weeks is a very short time after a bereavement. It's probably just all sinking in.

He also may be feeling guilty about meeting up with people and having a nice time, when his brother has just died. That is a very common and understandable emotion.

Canthisonebeused · 15/09/2013 21:49

I think he means he doesn't need any special effort from people to show support.

delurked · 15/09/2013 21:50

I think you are being pretty harsh tbh, his brother has just died, cut him some slack.

lunar1 · 15/09/2013 21:52

He lost his brother three weeks ago, you need to give him a break. I don't think you can compare how you feel about it than how your dh feels.

Original poster

painttheworld · 15/09/2013 21:54

Arse. I have stormed out. I know he is really grieving, it is just that i keep obsessing on how this is so typical, so dismissive of everything and everyone. I feel that he is showing me who he is when he says things like this.

OP posts:

Canthisonebeused · 15/09/2013 21:54

I remember when my mum passed away I hated feeling people's pitty, it oozed from some people and made me feel very uncomfortable to the point I would be quite rude, just to cut a conversation in in its tracks.

Someone my mum knew sat next to me on a bus and asked how she was and I just said dead!!! And ignored them for the rest of the journey. I just didn't quite know how to talk about it.

gamerchick · 15/09/2013 21:54

he's grieving .. you really need to cut him some slack here.. I agree with PP.

nothing needed to be pointed out to him. :(

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 15/09/2013 21:57

As everyone else has said, he is grieving and you could give him a break at the moment. When my grandmother died, I was devastated and everyone's well intended attempts to comfort or support me just felt like ash in my mouth. Grief is a very insular thing to go through. Be patient with him and try to separate other marital issues from him mourning his brother.

BlackeyedSusan · 15/09/2013 21:57

i think you both are upset and can not see what is reasonable at the moment. you both need to give yourselves time to grieve nd recover a bit befoer thinking about future plans.

beare of nniversaries, birthdays and celebrtions too... all can be tricky. and stupid little things can creep up on you and be more upsetting than things that might be thought to have a greater impact. (eg i cried whwen ds talked about my dad's car, but I have handled multiple conversations about grandads current whereabouts and his body. 4 year olds have no tact )

everlong · 15/09/2013 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudiansSlipper · 15/09/2013 21:59

terrible time for you both

people can act totally out of character when they are in shock. please be patient and let him grieve the way he needs to

lunar1 · 15/09/2013 22:00

You are also showing him who you are by not tolerating his method of grieving.

Unless he is abusive, now is not the time to draw your line in the sand over where you find his faults. He won't be in any state to deal with it.

TheWinterOne · 15/09/2013 22:01

I think the problem is that you are also grieving yourself so are both aiming it at each other.

sleepyhead · 15/09/2013 22:01

You're disgusted?

I think that's an excessive response tbh.

How he feels at this point in time is valid. He needs to get through this sad time the best way for him rather than being expected to show particular gratitude for day out with friends.

CoolaSchmoola · 15/09/2013 22:04

You stormed out?!?!

His brother died three WEEKS ago and you have stored out over a comment? Jesus OP, that is utterly appalling.

YWBU to point out that your friends were being supportive, you made it sound like they had felt obliged to act as certain way out of pity - his reaction was normal in the circumstance.

Yours however is so far from normal I'm struggling to believe it. May I politely suggest you remove your head from the depths of your own rear?

You say you have had a hard year due to how you feel about the way he speaks... If this is anything to go by you really need to consider the fact that your appropriate response radar seems to be waay out of line.

Sheesh! Utterly dreadful behaviour towards a grieving loved one.

CatAmongThePigeons · 15/09/2013 22:06

He dismissed he needed support, he's grieving, while it may help you, he may not need the support at the moment, nor will he need pointing things out, he knows what they were there for.

If it was an unusual arrangement, he probably felt uncomfortable, so YABU.

Original poster

painttheworld · 15/09/2013 22:06

I didn't want him to be grateful, just to be pleased to be cared about. But, i accept all you all say and will try to be kinder. He is devestated about his brother , i will try harder.

OP posts:

CoolaSchmoola · 15/09/2013 22:07

And yes this could be another nail in the coffin of your relationship, but I don't think he was the one banging this one in.

Thisisaeuphemism · 15/09/2013 22:07

Oh dear. My DH would have said similar and he probably would have meant - I don't want support, I want him.

Sorry you're going through a difficult time op.

bearleftmonkeyright · 15/09/2013 22:08

What winterone said. I don't think you are thinking entirely clearly. My brother died some years ago. I will never forget the look of anguish on my partners face when we were told. Be kind to yourself and him. His feelings are entirely understandable.

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