To feel totally disgusted with dh reply?

[painttheworld]

Bit of back story, dh and i are having big problems
this year, leaving me feeling likev he doesn't take me and my dreams/values seriously.

His brother, who i also loved, died suddenly 3 weeks ago.. we are botj distressed, he obvipualy the most. Trying to be kind to each other.
Friends have been amazing.

Two families have made plans with us this weekend, which we have both enjpyed. Chattong this eve about how nice it has been, i pointed out they were trying to show him support/just be there for him.

He replied that he doesn't need that/it doesn't mattet to him-very dismissive tone, implying that these people are not wprth much to him.

They are more my friends than his, but he likes them and enjoys meeting up.

I am horrified, it seems like once again he belittles anything that he others do. Another nail in rhe coffin of us, or am i bu ? e

It's his grief talking, and yes I appreciate that you are also grieving, but this was his brother. I think you need to give him some care and love and time.

He says he found it enjoyable and nice being with these friends this weekend? So he's not being rude about them or dismissive of them he is just telling you that he doesn't require their support re the death of his brother.

Tbh, I would be likely to say exactly the same thing as him in that situation. It would not be meant as a put down or to dismiss them at all.

If I was grieving and had spent a nice weekend with friends and then it was suggested to me that they had been with me in order to offer support (that I didn't need or ask for) I'd be pretty irritated by the person saying it. IMO it would be a pointlessly mawkish thing to say. I don't really get the concept of support though, I can and do support others (because i realise most people want that and im happy to do so) but I honestly don't know what it means for me, I don't need or want it and don't understand the point of it. Perhaps he's the same?

Tbh, you have no right to be disgusted with him because he doesn't feel the same as you. He probably thinks you are hideously dramatic.

I guess you found the weekend a great comfort, and it feels in your raw state like a slap in the face that your DH (says he) doesn't see it like that.

Address the marriage problems when you're both over the first shock. You're not thinking straight about this.

Are you trying to make a point in his grief that your friends are trying to "support" him by spending time with you as a couple this weekend?

How odd. And you are "horrified" and "storming out" because he replied in the way he did?

Your behaviour and reactions seem quite peculiar.

yabu. it's completely normal for someone who is bereaved to feel completely numb in the face of other people's good intentions. get a grip and try behaving like a decent human being, his brother has died.

Okay. I understand him better. Thank you all, however harsh.

He needs to grieve in his own way, he may need time to himself. He can't be blamed for not feeling up to entertaining your friends. Leave him be. yabu.

His brother died 3 weeks ago and you are worrying about yourself?

Harsh?

Not as harsh as storming out in disgust at your grieving husband for a reply to a silly pointer....

If you really have to "work harder" at being a normal person with empathy and understanding in face of bereavement, then I think you need to have a close look at yourself.

Also op, I became extremely selfish and insular for a.long time after my brothers death. You may find your husbands behavior tough to deal with. There was an inquest into my brothers death some months after which was hard to deal with. Grief is a lonely road to travel.

I don't think anyones been harsh. You need a wake up call op.

Yabvu and v self obsessed.