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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiance and money arrangements

29 replies

kat0406 · 14/09/2013 23:26

I have been with my DP for 7 years, lived with him for two and have wedding arranged for next year. My question is this - since we moved in we have both kept our own bank accounts and transferred an equal amount in to a joint account to cover all our home expenses i.e. mortgage, bills, groceries etc. Anyway we have discussed the possibility of merging all our money when we get married. Now my DP is 6 years older than me and started working when he left school at 16, on the other hand I went to college and am currently studying for a postgrad, so hopefully (fingers crossed) my employment prospects after this should be quite good, and I will hopefully be earning a good wage, a lot more than him. But his take on things is that if we merge our money after getting married, anything from after we get married onwards will be both of ours but any savings etc. from before will just remain our own. Now obviously he has more savings as he has been working quite a few more years than me.... AIBU to think that you either merge everything or don't??

OP posts:

MissMarplesBloomers · 14/09/2013 23:29

Nooooo always keep your own funds.

Joint account for joint/ family finances & own account for yours.

alittlebitbockety · 14/09/2013 23:36

Well, I don't know because every couple seems to do it differently. I am in the merge everything camp. I think that you get married for better or worse, so although he is better off now, maybe he won't always be, and marriage in my view is about pooling your risks. Maybe this is a good thing to spend time working out before you get marrried? You will likely face lots of adverse events in your married life so does he think he can stay cushioned against them while you have to face them alone? Maybe he just hasn't thought it through in detail? But as I say - there seem to almost as many approaches to money as there are couples.

megsmouse · 14/09/2013 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ihatemytoes · 14/09/2013 23:50

We've been together 21 years, married for 10, and we both still have separate bank accounts. Works for us.

Asheth · 15/09/2013 00:00

I'm in the merge funds camp! But it seems to me that your DP wants the best of both camps for himself - he wants the merged funds which will allow him to take advantage of your higher earnings, but the separate funds from when he had higher earnings. So this isn't a question as to which way is best - more about making sure whichever way you choose being fair for you both.

DorothyMantooth · 15/09/2013 00:03

DH and I have been together for 9 years, married 3. We have seperate accounts and a joint account that we both pay into each month for rent, bills, food etc. We both transfer extra for exceptional things. Like your DP, DH has a lot of savings as he previously had a very well-paid job with low outgoings. I am not actually even sure of the exact amount as I really see this money as his. According to him, this money is for a deposit on a house for us, but I don't feel as though I have any particular right to the money just because we're married.

Permanentlyexhausted · 15/09/2013 00:04

We've been together for 16 years and still have completely separate finances. Not even a joint account for paying bills. Mortgage comes from my account so DH just transfers half of it over to my account each month. Other than that we just pay for different things (e.g. I pay for childcare, holidays, etc and DH pays the grocery bill).

Ihatemytoes · 15/09/2013 00:10

Our arrangement is very similar to Permanentlyeshausted' s. Completely separate finances, with each of us paying for different things. I like having my own money and so does DH!

BrokenSunglasses · 15/09/2013 00:18

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it.

If your DP wants to be able to have savings in his own name, then he should also be happy with you putting savings in your own name when you are earning well, even if you do decide to merge your accounts.

Maggietess · 15/09/2013 00:31

I think it's entirely up to you, as a couple to work this out.

Personally (and this is really meant personally, not judgy), I don't understand how you decide to get married and be together for always but don't want the the other to touch your private money. However I know I'm in the minority these days. I genuinely don't get why a shared family life doesn't mean shared family funds where anyone can spend what they believe is reasonable and right. That works for us. But from mn and other websites I understand that most people prefer to keep some autonomy.

Go with whatever works for you as a couple.

chickydoo · 15/09/2013 00:40

Completely separate finances here too. Married for 22 years, never had a joint bank account, we've made it work, and never argue about money.

TootiesFrootie · 15/09/2013 00:46

Well, at least you are discussing it!

What he is suggesting does sound unfair though. My DH and I had joint accounts several years before we got married. I can't remember either of us ever considering any money 'his' money or 'her' money.

He earns lots more than me but I have recieved a lot more family money. It hasn't crossed my mind that I would want to keep some money in a seperate account (unless its for tax reasons / Isas etc)

I would be pissed off with him. If he is going to be like that then perhaps you should consider a prenup?

mynewpassion · 15/09/2013 00:52

For me personally, I would like to keep my savings prior to being married mine. This doesn't mean that I won't use it to for big items like holidays, car, or deposit on a house but I saved that on my own. So its mine.

I don't mind that he has his own and he can keep it. He did that by himself.

Anything after marriage should be shared.

Original poster

kat0406 · 15/09/2013 01:31

Thanks so much for the replies! Its reassuring to see so many different opinions and see that things do vary, and it is very personal to each couple. Although I think I got the impression of him. 'Wanting his cake and eating it' - i can also totally see the point of view of Mynewpassion. After some discussion this evening he did say if we did need the money as a couple or a family (we are planning to have children) the money wud b der without an issue - which is all I wanted to know really - i wouldnt be remotely interested in the money for moneys sakes iyswim! But think i may keep seperate accounts wit d joint 1 4 bills 4 now and mayne reassess if or when the dc come along :-)

OP posts:

totallydone · 15/09/2013 09:25

Been married 30 years-we were both skint when we got married. Our finances are joint as are our savings as we had nothing before and it is all money earned since wedding.
Has worked well for us

marriedinwhiteisback · 15/09/2013 10:47

Separate bank accounts and savings. We had a pre-nup too. Married 23 years.

MissAntithetic · 15/09/2013 12:14

We have nothing but we have nothing together. We have a joint account that everything goes in and out of we both have separate accounts too but they are inactive at the minute

Platinumstart · 15/09/2013 12:19

Totally agree you either merge all or nothing and which you do is a matter for personal discussion.

What is absolutely not on is that he, for example, keeps 50k savings to one side which you have nothing and then expects you to give him a significant proportion of your salary because you earn more.

The very fact he has raised that would ring alarm bells to me.

Bearbehind · 15/09/2013 12:27

I agree with those who've said there is no right or wrong but I'd be very dubious of the 'having cake and eating it' mentality.

There is no way of knowing for sure but it is jolly convenient that he gets to keep his savings then share in your increased wealth too.

Personally I'd stick with separate finances in the short term, if only to see how he reacts- it's not nice but I think you need to watch yourself with this one.

BoundandRebound · 15/09/2013 12:45

We have a joint account which his salary goes into, I have a sole account my salary goes into and a savings account

I am in charge of family finances, investments and ensure there is always enough money in joint account - he is simply not interested in money and I am financially astute and know what I am doing (most of the time)

ALL the money belongs to both us, as does ALL the equity in our home even though I owned property beforehand and put a significant over 100K into our house.

That's part of the point of being married - doing stuff together

LIZS · 15/09/2013 12:51

Legally it is all joint whether he thinks he can keep hold in a sole account or not, unless you make a legal contract to the contrary but in UK these aren't normal and could be contested. Sounds like this talk of merger may be raising other issues tbh.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 15/09/2013 12:54

I would continue as you are and keep your own finances separate. Women have historically been hugely disadvantaged by not having savings or financial resources of their own and I would not give up your hard-earned salary.

I would also be very wary of marrying a man whose philosophy is 'what's yours is mine, what's mine's my own'

LondonMan · 15/09/2013 13:00

But his take on things is that if we merge our money after getting married, anything from after we get married onwards will be both of ours but any savings etc. from before will just remain our own

There are two separate issues, how you organise marriage finances and what becomes of prior savings. I've seen articles covering divorce where it seems that judges feel that prior savings are not marriage assets, as long as they've always been held separately. (A woman who used her money to pay down the family mortgage lost her right for it to be regarded as non-marital asset as a consequence.) (I can't swear that the jurisdiction of these divorces was England, but I think it was in some cases.) If the law regards prior savings as non-marital assets then I think he is reasonable to do so.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/09/2013 13:01

No. We have separate accounts that our wages go in. We pay a certain amount into a joint account every month for mortgage, bills, food, clothes for DS. DH pays in more than me as I work part time now.

You don't have to merge all your money, do things how you want. Anything left in our own accounts is ours to spend as wish. Although we wouldn't buy anything hugely expensive without consulting the other.

We have separate savings accounts. As DH earns more he's quite generous and will buy things that I don't realise, such as takeaways. He's only just admitted he pays for them!

eurochick · 15/09/2013 13:02

We have a joint account for household expenses and everything else is separate. I'm the one with most savings and I also own our house. TBH most of the savings and the equity will end up being invested into our next (jointly owned) home so it will end up being used for a joint purpose. However, it will all be documented and if we were to divorce I would expect to get a larger share back as a lot of it are pre-marital assets.

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