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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About bil visiting new baby?

46 replies

louloutheshamed · 14/09/2013 15:05

So I gave birth to ds2 a week ago via emergency c section. Today my sister has travelled across the country to visit and has been great as an extra pair of hands with ds1. Then bil and sil said they would visit with their baby - fine. Then pil said they would come and bring food so we didn't have to cater. Ok but it's getting a bit crowded at this point, plus they brought their dog.

Then other bil gets wind of this and says he is coming too. He has recently separated from his wife and mother of his 2 dds and is living with another woman who we have yet to meet. In his text he says 'we have presents', so I ask dh to clarify who 'we' refers to, thinking it might mean our nieces- but no, he means his new gf and her 10 yo son.

At this point I freak out a bit. I say I don't think it's on to bring a stranger to someone's house a week after they have had a baby and major surgery. I am trying to establish bf and feeling and looking like a wreck and do not want to make small talk with someone who I don't know from Adam.

Dh then texts bil and explains this (tactfully) and says could he just come on his own. Bil turns up, stays for an hour or so, then we realise when he leaves that his gf and ds have been waiting in the car. Mil is horrified.

Wibu to say she couldn't come?? I have lost all perspective 7 days post partum!!

OP posts:

GibberTheMonkey · 14/09/2013 15:08

You weren't unreasonable at all and it was their sill problem that she sat in the car. She could have stayed at home

Onesleeptillwembley · 14/09/2013 15:09

No, of course not. A bloody stranger an her kid? His own, the baby's cousins, I could understand. And what sort of dim sod goes along to sit in the car for an hour, especially with a 10 year old.

Ragwort · 14/09/2013 15:10

I think they all sound unreasonable to visit you all on the same day (plus dog ) - why can't they stagger the visits?

It is also not on to make the 'first meeting' of the new GF and her son the same as the visit to meet your new baby. And why did they have to be left in the car, sounds very wet, surely there was a shopping centre/park/beauty spot that they could have gone to whilst BIL was visiting?

Don't worry about it, you have been more than gracious in having so many visitors at once .

BruthasTortoise · 14/09/2013 15:10

obviously as you've just had a baby you're well within your rights to have whoever you want in your house but in normal circumstances I think it's incredibly rude to invite one member of a couple to visit for this sort of event especially when they've jointly got you a gift. Feel sorry for her and the wee boy to be honest.

redcaryellowcar · 14/09/2013 15:11

Think I would feel totally overwhelmed, not that I think you are at all wrong byte might be worth remembering they are all just v excited about the new baby and want to celebrate with you. Although perhaps a little late in the day with hindsight I think I would have said lets do this in a couple of weeks, by which time you would have a chance to feel a bit less new to it all, I think if they are st there feel no shame in taking the baby off to feed upstairs partly to pop your feet up for some space and peace!

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 14/09/2013 15:16

In normal cut instances of course it is rude, but I have never met her before!! And these aren't normal circumstances.

I certainly wouldn't have nipped upstairs to feed if they had come- I'm in my own home!!

OP posts:

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 14/09/2013 15:16

*circumstances

OP posts:

BruthasTortoise · 14/09/2013 15:19

Why haven't you met we before? Sounds like she and your BIL are in a serious relationship and if they're living together then that essentially makes the little boy family does it not?

BruthasTortoise · 14/09/2013 15:19

*her

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 14/09/2013 15:23

No it has all happened very quickly- they have only been living together for a matter of weeks, he is still married to the mother of his 2 dds. I have known bil for 13 years and in hat time he has moved from one 'serious' relationship to the next at breakneck speed.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 14/09/2013 15:26

Seems odd for your dh to have asked him to come alone. Surely, under your circumstances, he should have said to first bil, and then pil, that you were all feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and it would be really helpful if everyone could stagger their visits, so maybe first bil / sil and baby could come once your sister had gone home, and pil pop in at a different time, then 2nd bil (and yes, why not include his new family) at some time after that. Does seem odd that everyone is welcome except her. But then, seems even more odd to bring them and have them sit outside in the car for an hour.

Fuzzyfeltrabbit · 14/09/2013 15:28

The day after I came home from hospital after emcs, my bil turned up with his new gf (of about a week) at about 9pm. He seemed to expect a drinks party! And offered gf a 'go of the baby' (she was 3days old) we repeatly said how tired we were, dh mentioned how poorly I'd been (large blood loss /various complications/pain) but he didn't take the hint.
Dh mentioned it mil the next day.
Bil is the golden child who can do no wrong, mil told me how nasty I was for not being more accommodating!!!

Yanbu

BruthasTortoise · 14/09/2013 15:28

Little wonder he crashes from relationship to relationship if he's willing to leave his partner and her child sitting outside his brothers house for an hour while he goes visiting. He sounds like a charmer

pigletmania · 14/09/2013 15:30

Yanbu. The gf sounds a bit stupid sitting in the car with her 10 year old for 1 hour. Could se not have done something else?

Jolleigh · 14/09/2013 15:30

I think BIL needs to be told what's appropriate and what isn't. You don't know her so inviting her to your home at that particular time wasn't right of him. Also, sounds to me like he brought them along in the hopes someone would ask about them and he could make people uncomfortable by saying she and her son are in the car outside. I reckon he was banking on this making you feel obliged to invite her in. Don't feel bad. Get your DH to have a word.

BruthasTortoise · 14/09/2013 15:32

In fairness the BIL didn't even mention his partner and the child were in the car so he wasn't fishing for them to be invited in. Bet he told her he was just leaving the present in, saying a quick "hello" and leaving again. He sounds like a dick.

phantomnamechanger · 14/09/2013 15:39

YANBU

I think its plain silly the way brand new GFs etc are supposed to be treated like they are a real part of the family and be involved in your most personal moments. Obviously your DH family is one thing, but even with them, who you have known a while, you would be entitled to say "Look I had a rough time and I am not up to having a lot of visitors yet" or something. Wanting to invite a stranger and her son is just unreasonable IMO.

Maybe his parents could host a family get together to met her/include her.

And I don't feel sorry for the 10yo boy - I bet he was perfectly happy with a DS/MP3 player in the car - why does he want to meet a tiny baby and a whole load of adults he does not know?

themaltesefalcon · 14/09/2013 15:43

OP, you grant or deny entrance to your home to whomsoever you wish, regardless of delightful newborns and breastfeeding and whatnot. Your brother-in-law was rude to leave them waiting in the car all that time (poor ten-year-old!) but the woman is clearly a nitwit for standing for it. Their problem, not yours.

LouiseAderyn · 14/09/2013 15:46

If the gf is an OW then I don't feel at all sorry for her, not being welcomed into the family, as if bil's actual wife and kids never existed!

He is a dick for bringing her and leaving her in the car. He should have dropped her off somewhere else first.

I also think your Ils shouldn't bring a dog into your home without asking first - not everyone wants dogs in their house.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/09/2013 15:47

I can't believe people think this stranger and her son are magically "family" just because the BIL has shacked up with her weeks after moving out of the home of his actual family.

She's just a very new girlfriend who nobody has met yet.

Inviting her and her son along to meet a very new baby in somebody else's home was the height of bad manners.

Leaving her and the boy sitting in the car outside was obnoxious and clearly meant to put pressure on/make people feel guilty.

There was no need for that at all.

The new girlfriend must be a right eejit to go along with that instead of making herself scarce.

nickelbabe · 14/09/2013 15:56

He invited himself anyway, didn't he?

in fact, they all invited themselves.

you're totally right - you said that you didn't mind him coming on his own because you were so new out of surgery, and because you didn't want to let him down about seeing the baby with the rest of the family, or seem ungrateful after he said he had a gift.
It would have been different if you had known the GF, of course, but in that case, you would probably have insisted that all members of the family stagger their visit, even if only by an hour or so.

But he shouldn't have brought her anyway and left her in the car!
(maybe he told them he would be 5 minutes while he dropped off the gift?)

ScottishInSwitzerland · 14/09/2013 16:14

I wonder whether text was the best way for your DH to explain all this?
I always think it is a daft idea to do anything which requires tact or diplomacy via text.

So maybe BIL got the hump and was trying to prove some sort of point??

I think the whole family was BU to descend on you en masse. But I do also think it was a bit U to exclude the new girlfriend - maybe a better idea to say could BiL and his new GF come another day.

That all said, given you had a baby a week ago, I think you get to call the shots pretty much as you would like!

(I do feel sorry for the GF and the son who ended up sat in the car - but agree with the other poster who said surely there was somewhere they could have gone, even to the Tesco café for a cuppa)

Original poster

louloutheshamed · 14/09/2013 16:55

Yeah, if bil comes across as a dick then that's because he kind of is. I have just asked my sister to confirm what I thought when I opened
his present- a lovely outfit from
sainsburys, but it stinks of smoke .

I take the point about texts- I think dh's family are quite poor at communicating anyway.

OP posts:

elcranko · 14/09/2013 18:45

YANBU. I think you did really well to have so many guests at once, I wouldn't (and didn't) have done it, that's for sure.

It's BIL's fault that his new gf was left sitting in the car. When he was asked not to bring her why on earth didn't he just leave her at home or suggest something else for her to do while he visited?

Maybe in a couple of weeks once everything has settled down a bit you could invite them both and her DS over.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/09/2013 22:12

The outfit 'stinks of smoke'. How terrible. Wash it then. Also I've gone upstairs to BF many times in my own home, so's not to make myself and/or guests feel uncomfortable.

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