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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pick up after DD?

31 replies

Primrose123 · 13/09/2013 00:12

DD is nearly 13. She is a lovely girl, mainly(!) well behaved, works and behaves well at school, kind, looks after her friends etc. No problems with her really apart from the normal teenage blips now and then.

But. She is unbelievably untidy. She has a shower, and leaves all her clothes on the floor. Her bedroom is a tip. We bought her a desk when she started secondary school - she can't work at it, as it's too messy. I feel like I nag her all the time to pick things up, and I'm certainly not very tidy myself!

So, at the moment there are 3 pairs of pants and socks next to the shower. I refuse to pick them up. I work part time, volunteer, and do most of the housework. It's not unreasonable to want her just to pick up her own stuff. My DM sees the stuff on the floor and wants to pick it up, but I stop her, because I think DD must learn to do it, and will never do it if she drops things and someone else picks them up.

It's everything. I tidied and hoovered the living room, and now she's left plates, glasses, books, pens, paper, rubbish etc. I tell her to put it away, but she seems to leave this sort of stuff in every room faster than I can keep up with!

AIBU to leave her stuff in the hope that she will start picking it up? Or will that not work and shall I just give in and pick it up?

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 13/09/2013 00:17

I don't think she will pick it up if you leave it. But I don't think you should be doing it either.
I would pick it up and dump it on her bed, keep doing that with everything she leaves lying around and eventually she will get it!

elcranko · 13/09/2013 00:21

Have you asked her to pick up her things?

fiverabbits · 13/09/2013 00:23

When you get an answer please tell me as I have the same problem. My DH calls our DD a chicken because she drops stuff everywhere. I do not enter her bedroom so I don't care how untidy it is. My DD is 34 years old
and is getting worse. All I do is get a box and put everything in it and put it in her bedroom and when she can't find something I leave it up to her to find it.

Lj8893 · 13/09/2013 00:25

fiverabbits I really hope that was a typo and you don't have a 34 yr old messy dd living at home.....

tiggerpigger · 13/09/2013 00:41

Discipline her.

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2013 00:50

I feel like I nag her all the time to pick things up, and I'm certainly not very tidy myself!

Is that the problem? Are you able to set an example/model what you want expect her to do?

If the house is relatively tidy, then her mess will stand out all the more. Don't let her leave the room if she hasn't picked up her plate etc (don't let her eat in the living room?)
Don't pick up after her other than to maybe gather it all together and chuck it in a box. Clothes not in the wash basket don't get washed. She has to clean and tidy her bedroom once a week ( she may need help/advice/supervision).
Make sure everything has a place to be put away to.

I'm sure there's more...

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 13/09/2013 05:20

I'm certainly not very tidy myself!

So why do you expect her to develop and maintain habits and routines that are totally alien to her?

YABVVU.

littlewhitebag · 13/09/2013 06:29

Firstly you are her role model so you need to set an example and be tidier yourself.

Secondly if she gets pocket money do not give her this until her room is tidied satisfactorily.

Lastly. Anything left lying out with her room you should pick up and put in a box but you must not wash any items or return them. She will soon realize that she has run out of underwear. When she comes looking for them advise her she must wash them her self.

It may help to get a housework or chores rota sorted out so that you are all involved in cleaning the house.

DragonsAreReal · 13/09/2013 06:37

Pick it up even the plates and dump in her bed, no pocket money till bedrooms tidy and get her to do her own washing.

Vivacia · 13/09/2013 06:50

What would happen if you said you were both going to spend the next 20 minutes tidying and cleaning the living room? I wondering if she needs some role modelling and support?

Alternatively, everything picked up and put in a box in her bedroom.

Ememem84 · 13/09/2013 06:53

Pick it all up. And leave it in her room. Stop doing her washing. She'll learn. Eventually.

LindyHemming · 13/09/2013 06:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucjam · 13/09/2013 07:05

euphima my dd does the same ie puts clean clothes in the laundry because she is lazy. She stopped when I made her do her own washing and she saw what was involved. She has now been doing her own washing for 2 years and I went from a load a day to 4 loads a week which shows how much she was throwing in the laundry seen as she spends much of the week in school uniform. Give it a try you won't look back!!

livinginwonderland · 13/09/2013 07:25

If you're not tidy, how do you expect her to be tidy?! Set an example.

RedHelenB · 13/09/2013 07:30

Typical teenager - I thought it was just my dd that was unable to keep a floor clear or put stuff in the laundry basket but on talking to other Mums it is the majority!And the clean clothes going straight back in the wash is another common trick! YANBU!

ConfusedPixie · 13/09/2013 07:47

What dragons said. Dump everything on her bed, pocket money. She'll soon start tidying!

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2013 08:13

What dragons said. Dump everything on her bed, pocket money. She'll soon start tidying

She won't if she doesn't know how. Tidying and being organised is something you learn, it isn't innate,

My DD (11) is like this, has been for years. Isn't that normal? She is very young to be any different, really. Though I draw the line at clean clothes in the washing basket! She'd have very little to wear if that happened here - because it would stay there!

Original poster
Primrose123 · 13/09/2013 09:14

Ok, when I said I wasn't that tidy, what I meant was that I always pick up after myself, but I don't insist on the house being like a show house at all times. Some of my friends are really house proud, always cleaning and tidying, but I'm not. I just like a nice, tidy comfortable home, but it doesn't have to be perfect!

I do ask her, and she'll say, 'in a minute,' or 'I'll just finish my homework' etc. and it only gets half done. Unless I stand over her it doesn't happen.

When she was younger I used to ask her to tidy her bedroom. She didn't know where to start, so I used to give her a list, e.g.

  1. Pick up dirty clothes and put in basket.
  1. Pick up hangers and put in wardrobe.
  1. Pick up books, pile them by the bookcase and we'll put them away together.

And so on. She would do this, and cross each thing off the list. Perhaps I could try this again with her. When we tidy her room, she does say that it looks lovely and she wants to keep it like that, but it doesn't happen.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 13/09/2013 09:22

I know what you mean about not being obsessively tidy - there are q a few people on MN who seem obsessed with housework, and I presume you are more within "normal" bounds of homeliness / tidiness, and were just setting the scene. I do think that was fairly clear from your OP, tbh.

With my teens, I try to make it relatively easy for them - so laundry basket lives near where each of them undress for example, but then I don't wash anything that isn't in them.
When they are in the house, I make them go and pick things up and return them to where they should be.
If it's in their room, it's up to them, but then then know that a friend can't come and sleepover, for example, as there is no floorspace for them to sleep on.... generally it's about trying to get them to see consequences of actions (or non-action in this case). If it's the living room, then they get called in to remove stuff.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 13/09/2013 09:28

I agree with pp, discipline her. Remove phone/laptop/TV/whatever when she is untidy. She needs to learn its not acceptable.

Bonsoir · 13/09/2013 09:30

In my house people leave their detritus in the living room at their own peril! I like a tidy hall and sitting room that are visitor ready at all times so if people leave stuff about, it disappears.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 13/09/2013 10:11

It sounds as though she has got into bad habits and she needs some help to get into good ones. Mine started to behave like this with the transition to secondary school. I gave t some reminders but the only thing to work was to spend a whole weekend calmly tidying every area (start with that desk). Then calmly explain where things have to go and what she should routinely do. Gets herself a drink or snack? Unless she wants to eat every drink and snack at the kitchen table, she should take her dirty cups and plates to the dishwasher. Draw a diagram, make a list, invent a warning system of coloured post-its if you like, but get her into good habits.
It sounds as though she has an untidy desk because she wants to work somewhere more comfy. Don't let her. Tell her she has to do her work at her desk and keep it tidy. If she can manage to keep it tidy and work on it all the time, after a couple of weeks she will be allowed to do her work in the living room one night a week. But not the kind of work that she should be doing at a desk. Just reading or revision.
You will have to work hard at this for a while to get her into good habits, but it will be worth it.
Don't nag. Only say something when you are prepared to take the time to follow it through and wait for her to do what you have asked, follow it through and check it is done properly.
If she still keeps leaving things around untidily, tell her to get them sorted out at the most inconvenient time for her. Turn off her TV programme until she has gone upstairs to fetch her glass or tidied her desk or washing.
Once she has got the idea about this much, give her a night of the week for her to out her own wash in the machine and hang it up. She only gets one, so she needs to make sure it is only dirty clothes and she gives priority to the things she will need most in the next week.
The next time her untidy friends visit (although I say no friends visit if you cant keep things tidy) say to the friends that anything they get out, they need to put away at least as tidily as they found them. They are all old enough to do this. If they don't, then 20 minutes before they are due to go home, call them over to where the mess is and ask them all to tidy it up, explaining exactly what they need to do. 20 minutes should be plenty and if they do it quickly, have a nice treat for them to finish on.

If you have one who goes through the house getting everything out, follow her/ them around and make them tidy up before they go on to the next thing. Yes they will miss being with the others, but they already left the others to empty these things on the floor, so they can go back to be with the others when they have put them all back!

wordfactory · 13/09/2013 10:22

Everyone in my house is untidy. You can see what people have been and what they were doing by following the trail!!! Like snakes shedding skin.

It infuriates me.

In a book I was recently reading one of the characters had a shit bin in her porch. A huge plastic laundry tub where she chucked the stuff she found around the house. So when her son shouted 'where are my trainers?' The answer came 'shit bin.' 'Where's my physics homework?' 'Shit bin.'

I am sorely tempted!

WhoremoaneeGrainger · 13/09/2013 10:40

[Grin] wordfactory I love that idea! Would be so good for untidy DD and hoarder DH. In fact I have a spare laundry basket.....

Original poster
Primrose123 · 13/09/2013 11:20

I like Wordfactory's idea too. I might give it a go. :)

OP posts: