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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or are my parents?

27 replies

Lucyccfc · 12/09/2013 22:45

Maybe a bit of a long one, but I will try and stick to basic facts.

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 9. He also abused his own 4 year old daughter. It took a long time for all of this to come out, but when it did about 4-5 years ago, I was relieved as it meant I never had to speak to him or see him again.

My Mum, Step-Dad and 2 sisters still speak to him.

Anyway, my Step-Dad and Mum child-mind my 8 year old son and have done for quite a while. (I pay them the going rate to do this, as I think it's the right and fair thing to do). Anyway, over the years there have been the odd times when my brother has visited my parents house and obviously I have kept my son away.

I have just found out that we have an Ofsted inspection at work next week and phoned my parents to ask if they could have my son over to stay a couple of nights, as I will have early starts and late finishes. I was then told that my brother will be there next week. Regardless of Ofsted, it is Thursday and they hadn't yet told me that they weren't going to be able to look after my son next week.

I am really angry and upset for the following reasons:

They have left it really late to let me know my brother will be at their house next week, so this leaves me with a child-minding problem for next week. I only knew because I asked about him staying over, so it could have been even more last minute.

I also feel very angry that they are putting a self-confessed child abuser before my son. I won't have my son in the company of a child-abuser and they know that, but are still having my brother to stay. The reason for this is he hasn't been to stay for 2 years. My view is that my son should take priority over someone who abuses children.

My parents think I am being unreasonable and my Step-Dad seems to think I shouldn't be bothered, as the rest of the family don't see it as an issue. I see it as an issue, as I was one of the children my brother abused and I will not be putting my son at risk.

My sisters son, who is nearly 6, will be staying there for 3 nights, while my brother is also in the house.

So, am I being unreasonable or are my parents?

OP posts:
Tilly333 · 12/09/2013 22:50

YANBU.. and I'd be worried about your poor nephew. OMG. As for the childcare try and pull in pull in some favours from friends. Nightmare situation. Hope all works out x

DuelingFanjo · 12/09/2013 22:51

YABU.

Doesn't your sister believe that he is a child abuser? Presumably social services or the probation service or anyone involved in your brother's punishment would have strong concerns about your nephew being in the house with a child abuser? Could to contact someone to let them know? Is he on the sex offender's register?

namechangesforthehardstuff · 12/09/2013 22:51

Oh God YABU. But do you really want your child with people who understand so very little about safeguarding? Poor you.

CaptainCapybara · 12/09/2013 22:51

YANBU not to want your son there when your brother is staying. In your situation I would find another childminder who will have a contract and won't let you down, to be honest I wouldn't have wanted my child going to your parents' in the first place if there was a chance your brother would turn up while he was there. If your parents don't see the fact you were abused as an issue I would not trust them with the care of your child.

DuelingFanjo · 12/09/2013 22:51

Sorry, massi e typo

YANBU

nilbyname · 12/09/2013 22:52

Is this a wind up?
You know the answer to this post which is quite sad and disturbing,so get MMHQ to put "sensitive or triggering" in your title.

Your parents are fucking idiots, in particular your steep father. Cut contact, find a professional cm.

gordyslovesheep · 12/09/2013 22:52

do you REALLY think YABU on any any level what so ever?

Not only are they completely out of order - not giving you notice

But also exposing another child to a possible abuser - and if it was me SS would be informed

If he was convicted I'd also be contacting the police x

whatastar · 12/09/2013 22:52

seriously your sister is letting her son stay there with him in the house ? that would be my main concern tbh , find other child care arrangements for your child next week .

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 12/09/2013 22:52

Yanbu. Do not let him stay there. Call in favours. Get your ofsted stuff sorted now so that you can leave at decent times next week.

namechangesforthehardstuff · 12/09/2013 22:52

No no yaNNNNNNNNNNbu. Shit sorry.

steppedonlego · 12/09/2013 22:53

YADNBU. I'd be going as far as contacting SS regarding safeguarding your nephew.

Retroformica · 12/09/2013 22:53

I understand how you must feel but mothers often still love their children even when they do the worst things.

Retroformica · 12/09/2013 22:55

Must add that it's inappropriate to put any child at risk. Ie nephew

namechangesforthehardstuff · 12/09/2013 22:58

Hang on. If you're paying them they have to be registered. If they're registered doesn't any other adult in contact with the children need to be CRB/DBS-ed?

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 12/09/2013 22:59

You're obviously not BU - but surely SS would be concerned about your child and your DN being in the same house as someone with your brother's record? Honestly, I don't think I'd have contact with the rest of the family if this were me - it must be awful to think they don't believe you.

BrokenSunglasses · 12/09/2013 22:59

YANBU to be pissed off that your parents didn't tell you as soon as they knew your brother was staying, especially as they know your feelings.

I don't think they are being unreasonable to have their son come to stay though. That's up to them and he's still their son no matter what terrible things he's done. They love him just the same as you love your own little boy, it's not something a parent can just switch off.

Onesleeptillwembley · 12/09/2013 23:00

Why on earth do you leave your child with them at all? You're already paying - find someone who doesn't condone child abuse!

jacks365 · 12/09/2013 23:04

Yanbu to want your son nowhere near your brother. Yanbu to be annoyed that your mother didn't bother informing you so you had plenty of time to make alternative arrangements. Yabu to expect a mother to put your son before her own.

Was your brother ever convicted or even charged for what he did? If he was speak to the local police to find out what restrictions etc have been placed on him and then act accordingly.

ShakeAndVac · 12/09/2013 23:08

YADDDNBU. Oh, and there's no way mine would be staying there. I'd find alternative care.

HeySoulSister · 12/09/2013 23:09

Op?

ghostspirit · 12/09/2013 23:14

i can understand where you are coming from. i was also abused as a child and i can understand you want to keep your child away from your brother. we all know what he did was very wrong your parents know this to. but he is still their son. im not sure if they are putting him first as such as it sounds like they have your child a lot?

Someone once told me not to let friends or family mind my child well not regular anyway. because there would be fall outs and clashes and people take things personal... I ignored them and done it anyway and there were clashes and things just never worked after a short while. if your paying them the going rate anyway. is there anyway you could get a childminder?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 12/09/2013 23:33

Was he ever convicted? Is he on the sex offenders register?

This is a massive safeguarding issue for your child and your DN. Are SS aware of this? Because they should be.

Original poster
Lucyccfc · 12/09/2013 23:44

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Very much appreciated.

Just to answer a few questions from OP's.

My brother has never been convicted or punished, as my sister-in-law didn't want the police or SS involved when he abused their daughter and the police probably won't secure a conviction with my testimony alone, as it was such a long time ago.

He has admitted to the family what he did, so they do know.

When I asked my sister why she allowed her son to be in our brothers company, she said 'but he only abuses girls'. Seriously, I still can't believe she said this!

I am currently looking for a child minder, but I am also pissed off that I am now going to have to seriously think about what I say to my son, that his grandparents won't be childminding anymore. He doesn't know I have a brother and although they met briefly when my son was about 1, he doesn't remember him.

Families eh - who would bloody have them!

Child minding is sorted for next week, as I pulled loads of favours in, although I now have until Sunday to come up with an explanation as to why my DS can't go to grandparents.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 12/09/2013 23:45

I'm guessing a family that didn't wish to involve anyone brushed it under the carpet type thing.
I'm also guessing the mum of his child either did the same or came to an agreement with him that if he never tried to see the child again she wouldn't involve the police.

Or he was convicted he does have an order preventing being around children and they have all done what a load of people do and just ignored it,pretending he has no contact with or access to any children.

Of course your not in the wrong and if the first two possibilities are correct then it may be time to reconsider your own options with regard to talking to a professional body who deals with these matters.

harverina · 13/09/2013 00:02

Yanbu about this situation.

However, I think you need to reconsider your child care arrangements fast. How do you know that your son wouldn't be exposed to this man if he turned up unexpectedly while you were at work and your parents were caring for your child? They don't seem protective of you or your son so I would not trust them to look after him at all.

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