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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset

44 replies

Tiredtrout · 11/09/2013 20:35

I know this is probably unreasonable and I'm just feeling sorry for myself, my dm is terminally ill and in the final few weeks.

We managed to get her out of hospital and home following a lot of issues with her care. I was driving to visit 3 times a week with the 150 mile round trip and going whenever asked to as well.

On Sunday I went to see mum with my sisters, as always this visit took up my whole day. During the visit mum said some things which I feel were spiteful, I'm sure I'm taking it out of context but she said I was most like her sister who irritates her and that I'm always saying the wrong thing. I didn't say anything. When I left I said that I would visit Again today.

I phoned them this morning as I do every day to see how the night went and I was told not to come today but to go tomorrow while they're out and clean their house.

OP posts:
SlobAtHome · 11/09/2013 20:41

Who is they sorry?

RedHelenB · 11/09/2013 20:43

YANBU. Given that your MUm is terminally ill you need to do what will make you feel good about yourself in years to come. And that may well be forgetting what she said & carrying on regardless.

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 11/09/2013 20:43

Sorry, my parents, 150 mile round trip, make sure I arrive while they are out and clean the house for them

OP posts:
Xales · 11/09/2013 20:44

Who are they?

They want you to do a 150 mile round trip to clean and not even see them?

Give them the number of a local cleaning agency.

SeaSickSal · 11/09/2013 20:47

Is your Mum taking a lot of painkillers? Is this confusion speaking rather than actual spite?

mummydarkling · 11/09/2013 20:47

YANBU to feel upset. I wonder if your mum is in pain as that may affect her state of mind. Can your sisters help you put this in context? Here Flowers....

TheCatIsUpTheDuff · 11/09/2013 20:53

Have some Brew and sympathy, I completely understand. Some people are just horrible when they're ill and frightened. My dad was so cross when I couldn't get him a 1-litre bottle of lemonade (after visiting 3 different supermarkets on my lunchbreak, having arranged to work a couple of days a week near to where he lived, 100m from home) that I still get panicky if they haven't got any even 4 years after his death, when I have no intention of buying it.

But, unless there's a massive backstory that I don't know about, I think you need to grit your teeth and do what you can to help your mum through the last few weeks, and I think that's what you were always going to do.

You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself, the fact that your mum's dying makes it harder, not easier, to put up with her being cantankerous. I hope the end is peaceful when it comes, and I wish you strength to get through it.

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 11/09/2013 20:53

She's in pain, refusing painkillers and confused. They've been refusing carers, nurses and cleaners to the house.

I know that I should just ignore it all because of what's happening but it still hurts.

One sis lives even further away than me, another one hasn't been allowing mums illness to effect her life, not long back from one holiday, off on another tomorrow

OP posts:
CombineBananaFister · 11/09/2013 20:58

THat's really awful tiredtrout, I know you dm is ill but it doesn't mean you can suddenly freeze your feelings against 'comments'. You're human and she is ill (poss confused?!?). I think you have every right to feel upset. But I'm not sure whether you need to voice that same 'upset' to them for your own sake and how you want to leave things. Bad times sometimes make people do bad things and act out of character(if she was not normally like this?)
YANBU but maybe try and stay the gracious one for both of you unless she's always been like this and then it's a different story

SlobAtHome · 11/09/2013 20:59

I'm sorry OP. YANBU. hug x

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 11/09/2013 21:02

Obviously I'll go tomorrow do the cleaning and the washing and whatever else is needed. No point saying anything to either parent as they will just forget or feel awful

OP posts:
homeagain · 11/09/2013 22:26

YANBU. Sorry you're having such an awful time.

DoJo · 11/09/2013 22:44

She is probably overwhelmed with the situation (as are you all) and you should never underestimate the effect that being in pain can have on someone. Unless she is always like this, then you know this isn't the mum that she has been all your life, and that the kindest thing you can do it protect her from the effect she's having on you. She will want to go out feeling loved and cared for, even if she's making that difficult by the way she's acting, so try and focus on that. (When my grandmother got a bit like this, I just went with my standard toddler response of 'Well, I love you anyway' which might help you both.) It must be so hard for all of you and I really hope that you can have some quality time with her.

aderynlas · 11/09/2013 23:59

I think you sound lovely op and im sorry to hear about your mum.

SpiceWeasel · 12/09/2013 08:28

Although there are reasons for the behaviour, YANBU to feel upset.

I would do it, though.

cardamomginger · 12/09/2013 08:47

YANBU. I'm so sorry. This is an awful situation for all of you. I think you are doing an amazing job, and I'd be proud to have a daughter like you.

Of course you are upset. Who wouldn't be? But I think you need to try and find a way to 'park' that upset for the moment and try not to let it get in the way of the time that you have left with your DM. People who are terminally ill say hurtful stuff all the time. Sometimes it's the drugs talking. Sometimes it's the fear and anger making them lash out in a way they don't really mean to. Sometimes it's the drugs colouring the way they put across what would otherwise be a reasonable point of view. It happens a lot. I think that when we have a loved one with a terminal disease, because everything is so much more intense, we can analyse things so much more closely and in so much more detail. It's like every word becomes so much more significant and permanent.

You might want to consider some counselling. You don't say what her health problem is. If it is cancer, there are organisations where you as the daughter of a cancer patient can get some support for what you are going through. Macmillan would be a good place to start. I'm less clued up about other diseases, I'm afraid. If that all feels like it's too much now, it might be something that would help you later. In the meantime, is there a DP or a close friend who you can get some RL support from?

You would not BU to not do the cleaning though, if that was too much for you.

I'm so, so sorry. XX

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 12/09/2013 10:23

Have a hug () and a Brew I really feel for you. This is just an AWFUL time and living through it is like a nightmare. (been there) you don't realise right now...but when you look back in a year or two you'll wonder how on earth you got through.

Just acknowledge how terrible all this is right now...take a deep breath and keep on keeping on. Yanbu to be upset.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 12/09/2013 10:24

And don't let it hurt you...she's not "herself" right now. xx

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/09/2013 10:41

I am so sorry your mum is so poorly.

My mum was terminally ill three years ago and I used to make the 200 mile round trip every week to stay a a few days with her....it's a really really hard and draining time.

I know it is hurtful but your mum really isn't herself. She is probably confused, scared so don't take what she says to heart although I do appreciate that is easier said than done.

When my mum died we found a letter she wrote to us all in her last weeks........she wrote 3 lines for my sister, a couple of lines for my bro amd 3 words for me........that hurts like anything but I just tell myself she was ill (her writing was really wonky by that stage) and she loved us all the same.

So YANBU to be hurt and upset but PLEASE realise she doesn't mean to hurt you.

Original poster
Tiredtrout · 12/09/2013 10:44

I know she doesn't mean it, she's apparently having a bad day so I'm going to head up, do what they both need me to do and try and send dad out with my baby to the park for a break from her

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredtrout · 19/09/2013 19:05

My mum died last night, pancreatic cancer is a horrific disease and I don't feel she had any chance. She was thankfully as comfortable and peaceful as she could possibly be at the end

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 19/09/2013 19:07

I'm so sorry Hmm

HellonHeels · 19/09/2013 19:25

I am so sorry Trout

Terminal illness can be a horrendous process to go through, for the sick person and for their family amd friends. You were a very kind, supportive daughter to your mum. The hurtful words were the cruel illness speaking, not your mum. Sending you love xxx

Pagwatch · 19/09/2013 19:30

So sorry Trout.

My sister died. Few months ago and in those last weeks, in a lot of pain, she said one horrendous things to my other sister. It meant nothing. My sister was the one she loved the most.

My condolences to you x x x

honeybeeridiculous · 19/09/2013 19:39

Sad so sorry to read about your mum. Try and remember the good times xx

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