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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it is pointless going on a date with someone you are not attracted to?

28 replies

IEatDates · 11/09/2013 12:49

I mean, surely its pretty rare to fall for someone you never fancied to start with?

You have to have some sort of attraction before, surely? AIBU to believe this?

Ive been asked out on a date, the man seems really nice. But I look at him and think 'I dont fancy you' even though he is alright looking.

It would be a waste of time going, or am I being pessimistic?

OP posts:
Famzilla · 11/09/2013 12:51

Would you have a good time? If so I don't see why you wouldn't. Not all dates have to lead to sex/ a relationship/ joint bank accounts.

I would pay my share though, definitely.

sonlypuppyfat · 11/09/2013 12:52

Its difficult you don't want to lead him on, but then sometimes if you don't expect too much you can surprise yourself and have a lovely time. I'd give him the benifit of the doubt you might surprise yourself.

Kezztrel · 11/09/2013 12:52

I think it's hard to tell whether you're going to end up fancying someone or not, because attraction isn't usually based purely on looks. So you could get there and 'click' and end up fancying him by the end of the evening because of something he says or does or the way he speaks... But if you don't want to go on a date with him, don't bother!

absentmindeddooooodles · 11/09/2013 12:52

I was not attracted to dp when we met. We knew eachother for a little while before we dated, and the attraction staryed for me when we really got to know eachother. Now I find him incrediblu attractive and sexy and we will be getting married next year :)

Ive always thought attraction was of massive importance, but sometimes it does not strike right away.

Original poster
IEatDates · 11/09/2013 12:53

I think Id have a nice time, yes. But yes I dont want to lead him on.

OP posts:
Charotte31 · 11/09/2013 13:01

I wasn't attracted to my DH when I first met him. But I really liked him as a person. We continued to see him we were good friends for a long time until one day I realised I was in love with him. We have been happily married for 5 years now. And fancy the pants off him!
Give him a chance you never know what might happens! :)

Original poster
IEatDates · 11/09/2013 13:02

Ah these are nice examples, thank you.

Im not long out of a long relationship so I think a lot of me is holding back.

OP posts:
Kezztrel · 11/09/2013 13:06

I'd give him a chance if you think you'll have fun (and don't worry about 'leading him on' - he's a grown up, he can take it). DH looks nothing like the man I imagined I'd marry. We were friends for 3 years before we got together, it's been 10 years now :)

HatieKokpins · 11/09/2013 13:07

You can't tell if you fancy someone from a photo, it's all about chemistry in the flesh.

I didn't, particularly fancy one guy I met via online dating, but he was a nice guy in messages and didn't (particularly) look like a gargoyle in his photos., so I went along regardless. I ended up marrying him, he's lovely.

If you meet him and don't fancy him then, well, you're perfectly within your rights not to see him again, there's no obligation, and you're not "leading him on".

AKissIsNotAContract · 11/09/2013 13:08

I think attraction can grow definitely. In the same way as you can go off a really good looking guy if you find out he's a total wanker.

Original poster
IEatDates · 11/09/2013 13:09

Oh Ive never seen a photo of him, I know him in RL.

Funnily enough though. Years and years ago when I briefly did online dating I fancied a couple of men. Until I met them and went right off them (although they were lovely).

So perhaps this might work the other way round.

OP posts:
Original poster
IEatDates · 11/09/2013 13:10

in the same way you can go off a guy if you find out he is a total wanked

That is very flipping true actually.

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 11/09/2013 13:10

I met my DH on a night out, and didn't fancy him either. Liked him as a person though, and we were going to be just friends. I discovered I was in love with him after two months. Last week we celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary.

And yep I fancy him even after 15 years Grin.

Give it a go- and for the record, I was 6 weeks out of a long term relationship too :)

Original poster
IEatDates · 11/09/2013 13:53

Grin susanne thats lovely.

Well, I guess Im doing it then!

Argh!

OP posts:
worsestershiresauce · 11/09/2013 13:56

Like Susanne I am married to someone I didn't fancy. I absolutely do now though.

Lj8893 · 11/09/2013 15:35

I had known my dp vaguely for about 9 months before we got together.

Not once had I ever thought about him in a fancying way, I didn't really think about him at all tbh. Then suddenly overnight something clicked!

My mum met her dp online, if she had met him in a bar/club etc she wouldn't have given him a 2nd glance.

DownstairsMixUp · 11/09/2013 15:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Pendeen · 11/09/2013 16:06

I would give it a go.

After all, it's just one evening and you never know... :)

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 11/09/2013 16:11

I didnt much fancy DP when I first met him. He eventually got me to go on "just one little date, you know you want to" Hmm I only gave in coz he said he'd pay Blush (I was a using bitch when I was 18)

9 years and 2 kids later we're pretty happy, I do now fancy him. did from that first date onwards which is probably why I slept with him on the second date

So in short, just do it Grin

dufflefluffle · 11/09/2013 16:26

My friend met a guy one night, he was interested, they chatted she gave him her number even though she wasn't remotely interested (blamed it on the champagne!) He rang her then several times over the next couple of weeks and she ignored his calls or pretended she was someone else. Eventually she bumped into him again and lo and behold there were sparks and now they've been married for ten years, have two children and seem really happy. So, go, reserve judgement and maybe you'll have a great time!

Lilacroses · 11/09/2013 16:30

Definitely go and see how you feel. Sometimes it is really different when you actually meet someone and spend time with them. If you don't feel attracted after going out with him (a couple of times if you enjoy the experience) you can tell him you don't feel there is any chemistry between the two of you. I don't think you'd be "leading him on" at all.

PrimalLass · 11/09/2013 17:13

Just go. I would not have necessarily picked my OH until I snogged him 5 minutes after we met, I was a drunk student

PiratesLifeForMe · 11/09/2013 18:49

Go on the date, just see how it goes.

Weirdly some of the people I've fallen hardest for are the ones I haven't really fancied that much to start with. Thought they were nice, fun, ok looking but not really for me....then somewhere along the line of being mates, bam, everything changes.

Doesn't happen every time but when it does, it's great :)

EarlyIntheMorning · 11/09/2013 18:51

I was not immediately attracted to my now DH when we first met. He grew on me. This was 15 years ago now! Smile

Writerwannabe83 · 11/09/2013 19:23

I met a guy online and although I liked him on our first date I didn't feel a huge spark. On our second date I knew I liked him as a person, he was charming, polite, funny etc but I just didn't fancy him. We had arranged a 3rd date but I planned on cancelling it and spoke to my friend for some advice. She was really great, told me that sometimes it can take a while to fancy someone and suggested I meet him again and just give it one last chance. So I did. Smile

4 months later our 3rd date I moved in with him, 2 years after that we got married and now I'm expecting our first baby Grin I can't imagine my life without him and absolutely fancy the arise off him!!!

Go for it!!!!