Sorry if this ends up a bit long. I usually get on pretty well with my MIL. She's a good person and has had a lot to deal with and I know she does do her best. She and FIL are the legal guardians of two of BIL's children as he is frankly useless and their mum was neglectful so they have lived with IL's since the ages of 5 and 6. They are now 12 and 14.
MIL is a shouter and a smacker I have never felt comfortable with the way she screams and shouts at them, particularly the youngest, who is a girl. She gets on much better with the boy and he gets away with murder but the girl has it much tougher. All of his family have noticed how she is treated compared to the other grandkids but nobody says anything to MIL.
I've tried to be sympathetic and as I have a 12 yr old DD as well I have talked with MIL about different strategies to deal with pre teen moods etc and what has worked with me and she has opened up to me a bit about how tough she finds it. A few months ago she told me that she had hit DNiece across the face when she gave her some attitude. I was shocked and expressed that I thought that was wrong.
DH is one of 3 boys and his mum has always parented like that and he says she has mellowed over the years if anything. His brothers are both a waste of space, both have been in prison and are a constant source of stress to her. The dad of the kids has two more kids and is abusive to his partner so MIL looks after the younger ones a lot for DIL as she feels guilty for his behaviour so she has her hands full.
We live 30 miles away and MIL has looked after DS (2.4) one day a week since he was a baby. DS is a handful for me but has always been better behaved for his nan. He went through a phase of hitting and I tried a few ways of dealing with it, namely the naughty step and being firm with saying NO and quickly realised that he was too young as it just didn't work. He refuses to say sorry and it just ends up a battle so I now either ignore or distract him, which defuses it quicker.
DS is very tall for his age and looks like a 4 year old and his language is quite good so he looks capable of understanding more than he actually does.
Last week I arrived to pick DS up at tea time and we had an incident that has upset me and caused all sorts of issues and I really need to know if IABU.
DS started playing up as soon as I got there and I'd only been there 10 minutes when he picked up a handful of gravel (we were sat in the garden) and chucked it. I told him not to and would normally have then distracted him but MIL told me 'This is how we deal with this' then immediately raised her voice and got down in his face and told him not to do it again. Of course DS then did it again straight away. MIL went mad and really shouted at him and then dragged him into the house to sit in the corner. She then came back out and DS followed, crying and having a tantrum then he proceeded to do it again with the gravel. She really screamed at him and dragged him back in the house again. I just sat there frozen. My ex was abusive and really hate shouting and screaming like that. DS was hysterical and ended up sobbing into the sofa as I was just sat there like an idiot not knowing what to do.
We left just after that and I haven't spoken to MIL since. Every time I have thought of taking DS again I feel really anxious and I just don't know what to do about it. He was due to go today and I should have just lied to DH and said he had a temp or something but I stupidly told him the truth and we have now fallen out. I have texted MIL and told her he isn't feeling well.
We are having a few issues in our marriage recently and this is not a good time for this to come up. Am I being U and / or precious to not want my toddler to be shouted at like that? And what the hell do I do?
Thank you if you managed to read all that. Any advice or perspectives appreciated.