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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an 11year old to put himself to bed?

30 replies

ihearthuckabees · 11/09/2013 10:49

My DS still insists I go upstairs with him at bedtime, because he's scared. I am afraid I slightly lost it last night and said he should have got over being scared by now, which of course just made him more upset and even less likely to put himself to bed.

AIBU to expect him to take himself off to bed. Don't mind going up to tuck him in, but just sick of all the 'watching him brush his teeth and faff around getting ready' stuff when I could be relaxing on the sofa Grin.

Note: we don't live in a big scary house, with echoey rooms or spooky corridors in the middle of nowhere, like you see in horror films. It's a cosy, 1970s 'box' in a pleasant estate.

OP posts:
CaptainSweatPants · 11/09/2013 10:50

As I'd go with it tbh
It won't last long

FloraFoxley · 11/09/2013 10:52

I'd definitely be encouraging some bedtime independence at this age. I put my 6 year old to bed and envisage doing this for a few more years but 11? No!

pudcat · 11/09/2013 10:53

Gradually wean him off it. Go up with him for a few days but do something else while he is in bathroom. Then the next week, say I'll be up in a minute, gradually lengthening time. Soon you will be able to say "Give me a shout when you are in bed" I used to be terrified of going upstairs. I used to imagine there were snakes coming down.

absentmindeddooooodles · 11/09/2013 10:54

Itbh I went thrpugh something a little similar at that age. Think my hormones were going crazy and had a very active imagination. It was not to the point of making my mum watch me brush my teeth and get ready, bit I didnt like being upstairs on my own.

Go with it a little bit....but maybe stop the watching him do teeth amd get ready. My mim waited for me to get into bed, then came and sat on my bed with me for a bit of a chat. It passed after a while. Always had a crappy over active imagination though. I still dont like the dark. Blush

Sirzy · 11/09/2013 10:57

Can you not go up with him but go off and do something else while he does he teeth and stuff? So your gradually stopping it.

Sirzy · 11/09/2013 10:58

also if he is 11 has he just started at Secondary School? Thats a big change so perhaps he wants some extra reassurance for a while so maybe give it a few more weeks?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 11/09/2013 11:01

Aw.. he's only 11! He won't want you when he's 13. You can relax after he's gone!

sandyballs · 11/09/2013 11:02

My 12 year old DDs still like me to do this. It irritates me at times as I think they should just get on with it while i get on with stuff or relax, but it is a nice time to catch up with them and chat. And it won't last forever.

It's a funny age I think. One of them is getting into make up and obsessed with her appearance, very teenage, but still likes me to put her to bed and still sleeps with Baby Annabell!

ExitPursuedByADragon · 11/09/2013 11:03

Bless his heart. It won't last forever.

PurpleRayne · 11/09/2013 11:07

Don't worry, he'll be hitting puberty any day now and you won't get a look in :-)

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/09/2013 11:08

YANBU and I feel your pain. My DS, also 11, has always been awful at going to bed and I still have to take him every night and lay with him till he drops off.......he says he is frightened but he doesn't know of what. It is very frustrating (esp as he still wakes in the night and calls out) but I tell myself it won't last forever and surely when he is 16 he won't want mummy taking him to bed!!

I won't have him being scared though, I remember that feeling well from when I was a kid.

Original poster
ihearthuckabees · 11/09/2013 11:09

I don't HAVE to watch him, he is happy if I am just upstairs, but it annoys me that I have to. Have tried the old, "up you go, I will be up in a sec" line, but to no avail.

It's not due to school, as we are in Scotland so he is still at primary school.

Tbh, he has always been a nightmare at bedtimes. I used to have to sit next to the bed holding his hand till he fell asleep when he was a toddler. Took me about a year (!) to gradually wean him off that. Sitting next to bed, sitting inside the door, sitting outside the door, sitting at the top of the stairs and so on. God, it was so frustrating...

I wondered if I was being mean telling him that he needs to stop being scared I.e. use a bit of mind over matter and logic (ghosts aren't real etc etc) or whether he's too young to do this?

I know I am being a bit lazy...

OP posts:
ArthurCucumber · 11/09/2013 11:10

At 11 they're big and small at the same time. Don't sweat the small stuff.

Original poster
ihearthuckabees · 11/09/2013 11:10

Oops, lots of replies while I was typing mine. Gosh, at least I don't have to lie down with him. Lol.

I know you're right about the puberty thing. I will probably be back on here sobbing that he doesn't love me any more!

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/09/2013 11:12

Gosh, at least I don't have to lie down with him. Lol -I make sure the ipad is charged and either candy crush or watch crap on Sky Go!! It is annoying though and I wish he would be happy enough with me just seeing him to his bedroom.

Apart from that though, he is a great kid so I still count myself lucky :)

Original poster
ihearthuckabees · 11/09/2013 11:18

Smile Betty, you sound lovely. I will just need to go with the flow I guess (not my natural inclination I am afraid). Firing up the iPad for Candy Crush ....

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/09/2013 11:23

Thanks Iheart - I have my moments but not always so lovely when he is calling out at 3am, haha!

Going with the flow sounds cool. Like you say, we will be weeping soon enough when we are a total embarrassement to them (actually, I think I am already) and they don't want to spend any time with us.

Original poster
ihearthuckabees · 11/09/2013 11:26

Just to make you feel better, mine does the middle of the night thing too. Until quite recently he used to call me into his room in the morning to 'get him up' too. Thankfully, that phase has passed.

OP posts:
medhandthekiddiesvtheworld · 11/09/2013 11:28

time will come when he doesnt want you anywhere near him, and you will regret pushing him away

CeliaFate · 11/09/2013 11:28

My ds is 10 and his imagination is in overdrive at the moment.
He switched the shower off yesterday and swore he heard me calling him.
Dd was the same at that age too. I think they see and hear stuff that's playing on their minds.

Floggingmolly · 11/09/2013 11:33

My 12 year old have to be "managed" into bed, most nights. Not that she's scared, she just tries her utmost to stay up as late as possible, including, when she's actually made it up the stairs, just sitting on her bed reading instead of getting ready.
The younger ones are miles easier...
Don't know what the answer is.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/09/2013 11:33

Iheart when my DS calls out either me or DH have to go and lay with him again. I ignore him sometimes and he does very rarely drop back off to sleep but normally he will call until someone goes to him.

He sleeps very lightly during the night but come morning when it is time to get up I could dance the fandango round his bed, set off a few fireworks and he would sleep right through them.

Kids hey :)

Bramshott · 11/09/2013 11:35

I hear you OP - I got rather short with my 10yo DD who needed me to help with her music practice, hear her read, and then brush her hair and tuck her into bed yesterday, by which time it was 8.45 and the evening was half gone (I had work I needed to start once the kids were in bed). Sometimes I long for either those long child-free evenings when the kids were in bed at 7.30, or a grunting teenager who spends all evening in her room! Still, they will be bored of us soon enough!

Crowler · 11/09/2013 11:42

My son is a bit like this, he likes to be tucked in (I like it too) but I wait 5 minutes after he goes up so I don't have to observe him brushing his teeth - that does my head in.

I would agree he's really close to the end of this so I'd take it as it comes.

I think if you've had a really long day & you're feeling very possessive of your time, it's a fair point to explain to a kid this age. Maybe you can try to spend more time with him upstairs at night when you've had an easier day, and less when you're completely exhausted.

Original poster
ihearthuckabees · 11/09/2013 11:44

Don't worry medhand, I am not pushing him away. It is a lighthearted thread really, which is why I put it in AIBU.

But you are right! Need to enjoy him needing me, cos it won't last for ever will it?

OP posts:
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