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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DH to spend more of his birthday weekend with us?

54 replies

cg13 · 10/09/2013 20:52

It's DH's birthday this weekend. He's going to a 2-day sports seminar, at a club he no longer belongs to (he left because he was fed up with all the politics and expense). However, the head of the club offered him a free space and he wants to go. I'm a little bit cheesed off as its his birthday, but it finishes at 4 on Saturday so we're going out for an early dinner with DD. On Sunday there's a party from 6pm to 10pm so it is going to take up most of the weekend. The problem is he's now said he's going to go early on the Saturday to help set things up. This will be at 7am rather than the start time of 9am. I've said I don't want him to as its his birthday and that at least he could stay for breakfast and open his presents. Until a couple of weeks ago he wasn't even going so they can hardly be relying on his help, and, seeing he's not a club member anymore it's not his job to help out. He says its his choice what to do on his birthday, but I can't understand why he would choose to be elsewhere if he doesn't have to be. We're now not speaking, and I think if he's not bothered why should I make an effort for his birthday? But AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
itsametaphordaddy · 10/09/2013 20:59

It's his birthday. Not yours.

WorraLiberty · 10/09/2013 20:59

YABU

It's one thing adults being precious about their own birthdays, but to be precious about someone else's is just odd.

You're going out to dinner, what more do you need to do?

And it's not a 'Birthday weekend', it's a Birthday - ie one day.

snala · 10/09/2013 21:00

Yabu, he's a grown man! It's just another day. Cant he just open his gifts when he returns? Why would his birthday need to last all weekend?

NeedaWee · 10/09/2013 21:00

hes having an affair, leave the bastard

Salmotrutta · 10/09/2013 21:02

What everyone else has already said!

Give over OP - he's entitled to do what he wants on his own birthday!

Which is a day.

CaptainSweatPants · 10/09/2013 21:03

Yanbu

It's a bit sad he doesn't want to spend the day with you & dd

wigglesrock · 10/09/2013 21:04

I'm confused does he have 2 birthdays? Surely his birthday is on one day and that's it. What's a birthday weekend? I feel cheated, I'm not sure I've ever had one of them.

waltzingmathilda · 10/09/2013 21:05

Do people have birthday past 6 years of age?

CoffeeTea103 · 10/09/2013 21:07

Yanbu, I would feel sad too if my family were not my first choice.

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/09/2013 21:08

Yabu.

Original poster
cg13 · 10/09/2013 21:09

Well thanks everyone, I guess that clears things up Sad

OP posts:
candycoatedwaterdrops · 10/09/2013 21:13

YABU, surely the joy of your birthday is getting to choose what you want to do.

TheSydenhamSet · 10/09/2013 21:14

Personally I don't think Yabu. That would hurt me too

diddl · 10/09/2013 21:14

Well I think that it's really odd that he'd rather be setting up for a club that he left than breakfast with his family tbh.

I'd be really hurt.

At least you are all managing to have a meal together on his bday though, OP, so that's something.

Is he usually not bothered about celebrating his bday?

We're not ones for making a fuss, but even if my husband wasn't bothered about going out, he'd want to be in with us.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/09/2013 21:27

He left the club because of the politics, but the seminar will presumably be politics-free, so it's going to be about what he DID like about the club, not about what he didn't - I can see why he's keen to attend. Plus, I've never been particularly bothered about my birthdays, so I can see why he doesn't prioritise it.

What is 'the norm' for birthdays in your family?

WorraLiberty · 10/09/2013 21:29

I'm sorry but I really don't get the people here saying they'd be 'hurt'?

He's celebrating his Birthday by going out to dinner with his wife and DD.

What on earth is there to be hurt about? Confused

Original poster
cg13 · 10/09/2013 21:45

We normally make a bit of a fuss. Last year it was a big one for him so we hired a pub for 100 people with a hog roast. The original plan had been to go away for the weekend. We've just upped DS's days in nursery because of his job and we're feeling a bit guilty so we were going to Paulton's Park for the weekend as a treat for her. This has now been moved to the end of the month because of this sporting event, so we are still going. It's not so much the weekend as a whole that's p'd me off, but the fact that he's choosing to be away for more than he has to. He recently said how upset he feels at not spending as much time with DS as he used to now he's upped his working days and is seeing her less. It's only a couple of hours we're arguing about, but given it is only a couple of hours I can't see what the big deal is about spending it with us.

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 10/09/2013 21:47

Maybe your DH is a bit like me OP?

I've not been overly excited by birthdays since I was a kid. Didn't even feel that fussed about the so-called "milestone" ones.

I'd much rather be left in peace to curl up with a book or something.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 10/09/2013 21:49

I can see why you are disappointed, but I think you need to let this one go with grace, provided there isn't a back story about him spending lots of time away from home.

WorraLiberty · 10/09/2013 21:51

It's only a couple of hours we're arguing about, but given it is only a couple of hours I can't see what the big deal is about spending it with us.

Because he wants to got to a seminar

Because he's already going out to dinner with you both

Because it's only a couple of hours

Seriously OP, it's his Birthday. I don't see why you're trying to make it all about you.

Original poster
cg13 · 10/09/2013 21:54

But the extra couple of hours is about setting up chairs and putting up posters, hardly exciting birthday activities. It's also about our daughter who's excited about daddy's birthday and now she's hardly going to see him.

OP posts:
HeySoulSister · 10/09/2013 21:55

So you were originally doing something with your child on his birthday? I can see why he wants this, especially after the fuss of his previous birthday!

HeySoulSister · 10/09/2013 21:57

Why is it about your daughter? It's not.... Does everything have to revolve round kids these days??

YeahWhat · 10/09/2013 21:59

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my DH did this. It's only a birthday and you are still going to be celebrating it Confused

It wouldn't even bother me if it was my birthday and my DH buggered off during the daytime.

Ifancyashandy · 10/09/2013 22:00

Try to not see it as 'not choosing time with us'. He wants to go to the seminar (and perhaps helping out is a way of getting back in with the club). He doesn't not want to spend time with you.

The two things are possibly not connected in his mind - one is not happening in spite of the other. The seminar is happening because - exactly that; it's happening.

Don't take it personally. It's not.