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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my DH to spend more of his birthday weekend with us?

54 replies

cg13 · 10/09/2013 20:52

It's DH's birthday this weekend. He's going to a 2-day sports seminar, at a club he no longer belongs to (he left because he was fed up with all the politics and expense). However, the head of the club offered him a free space and he wants to go. I'm a little bit cheesed off as its his birthday, but it finishes at 4 on Saturday so we're going out for an early dinner with DD. On Sunday there's a party from 6pm to 10pm so it is going to take up most of the weekend. The problem is he's now said he's going to go early on the Saturday to help set things up. This will be at 7am rather than the start time of 9am. I've said I don't want him to as its his birthday and that at least he could stay for breakfast and open his presents. Until a couple of weeks ago he wasn't even going so they can hardly be relying on his help, and, seeing he's not a club member anymore it's not his job to help out. He says its his choice what to do on his birthday, but I can't understand why he would choose to be elsewhere if he doesn't have to be. We're now not speaking, and I think if he's not bothered why should I make an effort for his birthday? But AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 10/09/2013 22:02

So when he comes back from the seminar, greet him with a smile and have some fun together.

bearleftmonkeyright · 10/09/2013 22:34

I also think youre being silly. I am doing a cycling sportive on my birthday later this month. Yes, I am abandoning my family for most of the day on my birthday and looking forward to it we will have fun later. Really the argument is not worth it. Say you're sorry to him. Go on.

Thymeout · 10/09/2013 22:34

Perhaps he wants to help set up as a way of saying thanks for the free ticket?

Another one here who finds being the centre of attention on birthdays a bit embarrassing. You're still marking the day as a family. Let him do what he wants.

samandi · 11/09/2013 09:05

His birthday, his choice. And he's going to be spending time with you from 4 on the Saturday ...

KellyElly · 11/09/2013 10:45

Don't ever post in AIBU about birthdays unless you hate them. The general miserable MN view is that you have no right to want to celebrate your birthday as an adult and you should just suck it up if everyone else feels the same because YOU ARE AN ADULT AND THIS MEANS YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WANT TO BE MADE A FUSS OF OR MAKE A FUSS OF ANYONE ON THEIR BIRTHDAY Grin

Bramshott · 11/09/2013 10:48

If last year was a big milestone birthday, do you think he could be feeling a bit depressed about this one if it's the first one in a new decade?

KellyElly · 11/09/2013 10:49

Oh and also if your child is having a birthday do not post about them not receiving presents from godparents, close family friends, aunties and uncles etc and NEVER expect anyone apart from absolute immediate family who live within a ten minute drive to attend the party because that would make you entitled Wink

dreamingbohemian · 11/09/2013 11:16

Kelly Smile

OP I get why you're upset. My own DH doesn't care about his birthday but I can't imagine he would rather go set up chairs at 7 am than have DS bouncing in and giving him presents and having a nice birthday breakfast.

Fair enough it's his birthday and he should do what he wants, but he's already changed your original plans by going on the seminar in the first place, the least he could do is not change plans further by abandoning the birthday breakfast.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 11/09/2013 11:31

I don't get why people think it is sad if someone would prefer to be with their friends on the odd ocassion than their partner/kids or whatever.

I think YABU - it's his birthday, not yours, not your DDs's but his and if that is what he chooses to do .............. seriously, it's only another day so just try and loosen up a bit.

I love my DH and DS but sometimes, just sometimes, when I get time away I just skip on down the road happy as a pig in shite.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 11/09/2013 11:35

OP, I honestly can see why you might be disappointed, but at the end of the day, you're being disappointed that he's doing what he wants to do on your birthday, instead of him doing what you want him to do on his birthday, IYSWIM. If he didn't want to spend time with you at all that would be different, but that's not the case... can you not save the birthday present-opening with your daughter for another part of the day? She's not going to care when they're opened Smile

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 11/09/2013 11:36

Ack - I meant "he's doing what he wants to do on his birthday" of course!

livinginwonderland · 11/09/2013 11:43

If it was YOUR birthday, I would say YABU, but it's his, so let him do what he wants. From what I gather you have Saturday night and pretty much all of Sunday to spend together, so why not do his birthday presents the following morning if DD wants to make a bit of a fuss of it all?

Go out for dinner, have a night in with him when DD goes to bed, and move the presents to the Sunday morning over breakfast? You and DD could get up and make him breakfast in bed and make a fuss then :)

Gubbins · 11/09/2013 11:49

I planned to spend my entire birthday weekend this year on a long distance cycle. No husband, no children, no anyone. It was going to be bliss. The children could have given me presents when I got back on the sunday evening. Unfortunately it fell through, so I intend to do it next year instead. My birthday, my choice.

BackforGood · 11/09/2013 12:06

YABU - the seminar thing is only on that weekend. If he doesn't go, then he's missed it. If you want to do something specific to somehow celebrate his birthday (as well as the dinner you've already got planned) then you can do that next weekend, or whenever you are both free. It doesn't have to be on the day.

diddl · 11/09/2013 12:42

But OP isn't suggesting that he doesn't go to the seminar-was just hoping for breakfast with him on his birthday.

It is his day to decide-but hasn't anyone ever done something for their family on their own birthday?

I suppose when our 2 were young our birthdays were quite often doing stuff that included them, so I get why the OP is annoyed that her idea/plan for breakfast won't work out.

Pennyacrossthehall · 11/09/2013 14:29

  1. Birthdays really aren't important to the majority of adults.

  2. More importantly, it is crucial (for your husband, your marriage and your daughter) that he has an individual identity as well as being a husband and a father. Doing stuff on his own that he wants to do is part of that.

ScariestFairyByFar · 11/09/2013 14:35

YANbu to be pissed off, but it is his choice, but a bit sad he wants to be else where.

KellyElly · 11/09/2013 15:09

1) Birthdays really aren't important to the majority of adults. Do you know the majority of adults to make this sweeping statement?? Grin

diddl · 11/09/2013 15:24

Well I'd be pissed off if my husband decided to set up chairs rather than have breakfast with me & lo-especially if he's been complaining that he doesn't see her much!Hmm

acer12 · 11/09/2013 15:25

kellyElly my sentiments too! Grin

I think its just trendy to act like your really wouldn't give a shit if your DH didn't want to spend ANY time with you or family. Sooooooo fucking uber cool man! Oh yes paedophiles don't exist either! No sireeeeeee!

op clearly there was more to it as you have stated. I would have been a bit meh about it. Its some thing DH would have done. DH feels guilty he doesn't see DD before she goes bed as he works late but on the days he does finish early, he plays footie..... pffft!

I remember when it was his first fathers day and organised a lovely meal out for us but he pissed off playing crazy golf with his nephew. i'd been wanting to go to that restaurant for ages Grin

I'm going on a girls holiday on my birthday next year Grin

JoinYourPlayfellows · 11/09/2013 15:29

I don't give a shit about birthdays.

But my kids really, REALLY do.

If their Daddy didn't make any time for them on his birthday, they would be gutted.

Pennyacrossthehall · 11/09/2013 18:02

KellyElly 1) Birthdays really aren't important to the majority of adults. Do you know the majority of adults to make this sweeping statement??

OK, I should have said the majority of adults that I know, but in the course of 45 years I've known quite a lot of them, and I'm assuming that they are a normal representation of the population rather than a collection of anti-birthday-freaks.

mynewpassion · 11/09/2013 18:19

Get up at 6 am and have breakfast with him then.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 11/09/2013 18:26

"Oh yes paedophiles don't exist either! No sireeeeeee!"

what has this got to go with birthdays? How odd. Hmm

Therealamandaclarke · 11/09/2013 18:41

I can understand why you might feel upset.
But try not to take it personally. It's just a thing he wants to go to.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or that he thinks it's not fun being with you. It's just a clash of timings.