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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want her to pay for this?

30 replies

Fairy1303 · 10/09/2013 09:26

I genuinely can't tell if I'm BU but DH thinks I am and he's usually pretty level headed so perhaps I am.

DSD lives with us full time. Her mother is currently seeing her regularly (one eve a week) but over the years this has been hit and miss.

Her mother does not pay maintenance, nor does she contribute 'in kind' with school stuff etc.

She is not very together, currently in her brothers spare room etc, but she does currently work full time.

She gets really shitty when asked for even tiny amounts of money, for example, she once took dsd to school (that's right, ONCE!) and I asked her if she could pay the £2 for her lunch. DSD came home saying 'it is YOUR job to pay or me, mummy doesn't have ANY money, how dare you make her pay for my lunch.

She also once told me she couldn't have her overnight more because 'she is a greedy little pig who eats me out of house and home'.

I am on mat leave at the mo and we are really struggling for money. DH will not ask her for maintenance. He says it is not worth the fight, and she will moan about it to dsd, and, as generally we are higher earners than her when I'm working, it is not worth it.

DSd desperately needs a new school coat. She has just started at a new school so needed all new uniform and we just can't afford it.
Usually I would ask PIL if they would mind but if you've seen my thread about the swimming costume stealing MIL you will understand why I can't.

My mum has said she will happily buy it for her but I think out f principle we should be making DSDs mum buy it, she has never before bought a single item of clothing.

AIBU? Or should I just get over it?

OP posts:
OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 09:28

Whats the point though? She's not going to pay, she's going to make a fuss. Just stop torturting yourself and move on, satisfied that you do your best by her child even if she doesn't.

hermioneweasley · 10/09/2013 09:31

Both her parents should be contributing to the financial upkeep of their child. Tell your DH to go through the CSA, even if it's only £5 a week it will help.

If the ex chooses to slag you off to DSD then that is her choice. If DSD is not already old enough to understand that things cost money and you have been providing everything, she soon will be.

HappySeven · 10/09/2013 09:31

I don't agree, if the genders were changed then everyone would be saying to call the CSA. Doesn't it work the other way around? If she's earning she should be contributing.

HappySeven · 10/09/2013 09:32

Oops, sorry Hermione, you beat me to it!

BuntyPenfold · 10/09/2013 09:32

How are you going to make her? Not that I think you are unreasonable, I just think it won't work.

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 10/09/2013 09:32

That's what DH says. But part of me thinks we should ask every time it's reasonable t expect a contribution, and document when she doesn't pay.

OP posts:
Andro · 10/09/2013 09:32

If she works, she should be paying maintenance for her child - then maybe this situation wouldn't have occurred. YANBU to think she should contribute to her daughter's needs, whether it's worth pursuing the the issue I don't know.

Nanny0gg · 10/09/2013 09:33

Tricky. Will her refusal to pay just hurt your DSD?

I do think the CSA is a good plan though.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 09:35

"everyone"? Bit of a sweep when there are only 2 responses. Hmm I'd say the same if it was a man rather than a woman.
The dp doesn't want to go to the csa, so OP can't. So why advise her to do something which is impossible? And even if they did, is it worth a long drawn out fight, which the child will be in the middle of, for what, a tenner a week or something, which she probably won't pay anyway?

Its just an idea to respondents,and of course everyone knows that she SHOULD be paying for her child, but OP, this is your real life not an abstract. Is that the way you want it to be?

pigletmania · 10/09/2013 09:37

I would pursue her through the CSA, she has to take responsibility. You would do that if te situation was reversed, no different for a woman!

pigletmania · 10/09/2013 09:40

Well the op needs to get her dh on side and purse her through te CSA

HappySeven · 10/09/2013 09:45

Onthebottom, I didn't mean any offence. I appreciate only you had replied when I wrote but I meant that in the normal run of things on these kind of threads the majority of responses (all?) would be to go to the CSA if it were a man not paying.

She hadn't said that the DP didn't want to go to the CSA just that he didn't see the point in asking her for money (the CSA don't really ask, do they?)

I can see your point that getting angry will only affect her own happiness and that's true but the child deserves some input from her mother.

AmberLeaf · 10/09/2013 09:46

CSA is the answer really, but your DH needs to do this.

Would he consider it?

BiscuitDunker · 10/09/2013 09:54

YANBU but I think you should either go through CSA to the money you think she should be paying towards your DSD or just keep quiet and accept it like your DH wants.

You know the mother will just moan if you ask so there's no point in even suggesting anything to her as it will achieve nothing. If you go through CSA she won't have a choice. She works full time so clearly does have money but is so selfish she thinks it shouldn't be spent on anyone but herself and that's not right. She has a child and she should be contributing to her upbringing,if she's not doing this off her own back or even when politey asked then she should be made to by the CSA if that's what you feel is right.

If the roles were reversed and this was about a dad not paying/contributing to his childs upkeep then everyone would be telling you to force him to through the CSA so I fail to see why this situation is any different-its still a parent refusing to provide anything for their child,whether its a man or a woman is irrlevant imo.

If she wants to kick off and moan then let her,she shouldn't get away with not providing for her child just because she's a woman and likes to have a whinge about apparently "not having any money" which is a complete lie when asked to buy or pay for something for her own daughter! You could even give her a reciept showing exactly what you bought DSD with her maintenance money on if you think she will play the "you're not even spending it on DSD" card!

Original poster
Fairy1303 · 10/09/2013 09:54

Honestly? No. He won't. She has some sort of wired hold over him.
In the very early days when she still had custody, she made his life hell, regularly stopping contact refusing to put him on the birth certificate until he went to a solicitor, all the while DSD was being pretty poorly looked after.

He's now terrified that if he goes to CSA, she will then start wanting more contact (the residency is informal and the current arrangement is just that she asks when she wants her.) his argument is that money has always been the most important thing to her and she would want more 'nights' so that her contribution was smaller. Then we would have to go to court to get a contact agreement, causing distress to DSD and costing more money anyway, so why bother?

I actually don't think she would try to have her more, given that she can theoretically have her whenever she wants at the moment Nyway and chooses nt to.

OP posts:
Teeb · 10/09/2013 09:57

Csa. It isn't about hassle or point scoring, she is legally obliged to provide for her children so your dh should follow that up.

RedHelenB · 10/09/2013 10:36

My one worry is that how will dsd feel when there is a new sibling on its way & constant rows about money? No point asking her mum as she has no intention of paying which leaves the CSA route (which is what I would do)

mrsjay · 10/09/2013 10:42

if she is working full time get her dad to contact CSA for regular maintenance she sint going to pay willingly is she she is going to kick up a huge fuss and then mention it to your step daughter who will relay it back on you and her dad, in the mean time just try and get her a coat

FetchezLaVache · 10/09/2013 10:46

She wouldn't want more nights though, as she would be worried about how much DSD might eat while she was there! I am horrified by that comment. Poor DSD- I hope her mother doesn't say that kind of thing to her face.

I also think CSA is the way to go here. Why on earth should you and DH struggle when she's working full time and begrudges her daughter a £2 lunch?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 10:51

Can people please stop saying that if the roles were reversed everyone would be sayinog force him through the CSA. not only is that illogical its also offensive, particularly people have made a point of stating otherwise.
This is not a gender issue. Why are posters telling OP to go to the CSA when its something she can't do? Her partner has made his decision about what to do with his child and his coparent. The OP can do nothing about this, so why all the pointless advice?

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 10/09/2013 10:51

Can people please stop saying that if the roles were reversed everyone would be sayinog force him through the CSA. not only is that illogical its also offensive, particularly people have made a point of stating otherwise.
This is not a gender issue. Why are posters telling OP to go to the CSA when its something she can't do? Her partner has made his decision about what to do with his child and his coparent. The OP can do nothing about this, so why all the pointless advice?

MagzFarqharson · 10/09/2013 10:56

Which parent is in receipt of Child Benefit for DSD?

DuelingFanjo · 10/09/2013 11:03

Are you getting the child benefit?

mrsjay · 10/09/2013 11:04

well if her husband isn't going to go to csa then you cant shake her up and down to get the money from her she has no intention of supporting her child she begrudges 2 quid for lunch so she wont cough up for a coat people are trying to be supportive and give proper advice in what they can do to solve a problem

mrsjay · 10/09/2013 11:04

well if her husband isn't going to go to csa then you cant shake her up and down to get the money from her she has no intention of supporting her child she begrudges 2 quid for lunch so she wont cough up for a coat people are trying to be supportive and give proper advice in what they can do to solve a problem