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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep baby DD away from MIL

52 replies

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:22

Yesterday evening we were over at DH's parents home. SIL (DH's sister) was also over, with her DD of 16 months and newly pierced ears.

The conversation turned to my dd's (4.5 and nine months) and as always, there were the usual comments of 'dds ears are not pierced...babies feel the pain a lot less' to which I always reply 'they don't feel the pain less, they just can't verbalise it'.(interesting bunch arnt we )

Anyway!

As I am in the (open plan) kitchen I overhear MIL saying ' one day when dd ( the baby) is with me, I will just take her and get her ears done'.

DH's mother tongue is different to English so I just about picked up on what she'd said, so I walked back into the sitting area bit and said 'what am I missing?' Which was met with laughter and general ha ha ness - and that's it

They seem to think I'm making a point of 'being different' when I refuse to pierce my dd's ears ( and a million other things) or as a form of snobbery or dissaproval of the way they'd do things. In reality, I'm parenting the way I feel is the best for my dd's. They don't come into the equation at all.

How do you deal with this kind of situation in a way where grandparents feel involved but I also don't get unnecessary holes made in my precious baby's earlobes and other crap

OP posts:

Iheartcrunchiebars · 08/09/2013 11:24

Wait a couple of weeks and bring the conversation up again making it clear that if that ever happens she will no longer be welcome in your child's life. Do you think she would really do it??

GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 11:25

Oh, I would outright say "If you take either of my DD's to get their ears pierced without my say so you will not be alone with them ever again"

Make sure you OH agrees and backs you up.

catgirl1976 · 08/09/2013 11:25

YANBU

I would go nuts if someone did that. I'm assuming she is from a culture where piercing a babies ears is the norm, but you need to make her understand that you do not want it and it is NOT happening.

Get your DH to talk to her and make sure she understands the consequences if she went behind your back to do this

Rollermum · 08/09/2013 11:26

Wow I don't have any advice just . I think you need to make it clear that if this happens without your consent it is totally unreasonable and inappropriate!

What does your DH say on the matter?

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:27

iheart - I don't know to be honest, she just might because to her it's not a huge deal at all!

I'm afraid to leave baby dd alone with her now.

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MissAntithetic · 08/09/2013 11:28

I'd have a frank conversation with her. Tell her you are not prepared to let her have dd unless she promises not to get her ears pierced. Mske it clear to her if she does then you will consider this as assault and will take it further and you will remove earrings immediately so it will be pointless.

If you can't trust her then you can't let her have her.

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:30

The thing is though, I do want her involved in the dd's life. My family don't live in the same city and she generally is a nice grandma.

I wouldn't be able to forgive a stunt like that though and am worried about it ruining our relationship if it ever happened.

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YoniBottsBumgina · 08/09/2013 11:34

Can you get DH to talk to her? She is his mother after all.

I wouldn't leave her alone with DD either :(

IneedAsockamnesty · 08/09/2013 11:36

If someone did that to my child I would not give a fuck about how nice they were or it ruining the relationship.

I would let her know you heard and directly tell her that if that ever happened ever she would never see you or the child again.

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:37

Unlike bitchy older SIL who went ahead and powdered DD1's nappy area when changing her nappy at two weeks old when I specifically asked her not to, and replied 'oh shut up we've been doing it for years

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YoniBottsBumgina · 08/09/2013 11:38

If it is a cultural thing, could you try bigging up the "ritual" in your own culture and say that it's often a big thing in a girl's life when she turns 7/10/13/your chosen age. It is generally done later here and from my experience at primary school, seeing threads on here etc, girls generally want it done but have to wait until a certain age and it is a big exciting thing when it is done. Plus it teaches them to take responsibility for their own decisions (caring for the piercing after it is done) and most people in British culture feel it is important that a child is allowed to make the choice for themselves when they are of an age to do that, which of course a baby cannot.

It sounds to me like she thinks your reasoning is unsound (pain, rejecting your DH's culture) - perhaps if you can frame it more like this it will make more sense to her.

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:40

yoni - thank you, I really like your response. I will definitely try that.

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YoniBottsBumgina · 08/09/2013 11:41

I just remember loads of girls at my primary school getting their ears pierced for their 7th or 10th birthday and it being a Big Thing, nice mother/daughter day, they would go out for a coffee/hot chocolate and cake afterwards too and it was a nice thing for them. Maybe you could invent some kind of day you had with your mum at the age you had your pierced (if they are!) and then reminisce about how much you're looking forward to doing that with DDs if/when they decide they want them pierced.

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2013 11:42

What does your DH think?

Does he support you on this?

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:48

DH doesn't really have an opinion on having the girls pierced (or not pierced). The only time I've heard talk about it is when dd1 has asked for her ears to be pierced and DH has said 'when your older dd', but we've never had any talks about it, it's never been 'an issue' if you see what I mean.

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Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:50

The girl ears pierced, that should read even just writing it makes me cringe !

Maybe the issue for me is that I had my ears pierced when I was five, and nobody really told me or asked me. It was just something that was done. I don't need therapy over it, but obviously it's making me react like this for a reason.

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Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:51

Am I overreacting to this whole thing?

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GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 11:56

No not at all! Bitchy SIL is massively out of order for the baby powder thing too! I would have gone spare at her!

Kids used to ride in cars without car seats all the time in the past too for years doesn't mean it's what you do now. Things change and this is YOUR baby and YOUR way. They had their chances with their own kids. Now it's YOUR turn!

BuntyPenfold · 08/09/2013 12:04

No, you aren't over reacting.

My DM took my daughter aged 3 out for the day and returned her with her dear little pony tail cut off and a horrible pudding-basin cut with a very short fringe. The anger is resurfacing in me as I type.

DM also laughed it off and pretended she was doing me a favour and what is the matter with me, etc.

Of course it grew out eventually. Ear piercing is permanent so much more serious imo.

I think you need to get your DH onside in making your feelings very clear.

TidyDancer · 08/09/2013 12:08

Bloody hell. No way can you leave DD alone with her. This doesn't mean you have to cease contact or anything, but you can't risk her lying that she won't do it (if she will even promise this).

She doesn't sound very nice tbh. No decent grandmother would go behind the parents backs on this. It's not as if it's for the child's own good, it's a totally unnecessary scarring act.

struggling100 · 08/09/2013 12:13

You are NOT overreacting.

I wouldn't stop your MIL seeing your DD, but I would make it very clear that it is up you you and your DH what happens to your DD's body. It's not like your DD would be scarred for life if she did have her ears pierced (you could just take the rings out and let them heal over), but this is a major issue about power and control and decision making, and it is completely and utterly inappropriate for a grandparent who is not the primary carer to make this type of decision. If your MIL were to take that decision out of your hands, then I think you would be completely justified in not seeing her again AT ALL, ever.

GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 12:19

Grrr, I am angry on your behalf. I would not leave your baby with either the MIL or the SIL. Come back on here if you need some courage.

Bunty, that's terrible about your DD's hair. I would have been incandescent with rage at that. How dare she.

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 12:20

bunty ..so they do actually follow through with their mad ideas!

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Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 12:25

Actually I just remembered something.

Shortly after dd1 was born, this SIL completely stopped talking to me over some minor issue in the family that had absolutely nothing to do with her. This went on for 8 months.

During this time, she didn't acknowledge my existence when I was there etc etc, but obviously kept a close eye on my parenting as randomly one day, I received an email from her. I opened it wondering what it is was.

It was a single copied and pasted link to a newspaper article about how organic food was not proven to be any better than non-organic food. (Obviously I fed DD organic and she didn't 'like' the idea )
I didn't reply! Till this day, it's never been mentioned by either of us!

OP posts:

Original poster

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 12:26

I have just realised that these incidents I'm writing about still upset me.

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