Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep baby DD away from MIL

52 replies

TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 11:22

Yesterday evening we were over at DH's parents home. SIL (DH's sister) was also over, with her DD of 16 months and newly pierced ears.

The conversation turned to my dd's (4.5 and nine months) and as always, there were the usual comments of 'dds ears are not pierced...babies feel the pain a lot less' Hmm to which I always reply 'they don't feel the pain less, they just can't verbalise it'.(interesting bunch arnt we Grin)

Anyway!

As I am in the (open plan) kitchen I overhear MIL saying ' one day when dd ( the baby) is with me, I will just take her and get her ears done'.

ShockShockShock

DH's mother tongue is different to English so I just about picked up on what she'd said, so I walked back into the sitting area bit and said 'what am I missing?' Which was met with laughter and general ha ha ness - and that's it Confused

They seem to think I'm making a point of 'being different' when I refuse to pierce my dd's ears ( and a million other things) or as a form of snobbery or dissaproval of the way they'd do things. In reality, I'm parenting the way I feel is the best for my dd's. They don't come into the equation at all.

How do you deal with this kind of situation in a way where grandparents feel involved but I also don't get unnecessary holes made in my precious baby's earlobes and other crap

OP posts:
GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 12:28

TeaJunky, not quite sure how to ask this, but are you from a different social class or wealthier/more educated than them? They seem to feel a bit threatened by you.

PrincessFlirtyPants · 08/09/2013 12:29

No, I would be furious if it was me. YADNBU.

My friend gave birth abroad and they pierced her newborn babies ears in the hospital without asking her. I was Shock when she told me. I would have been Angry Angry if that was my newborn DD.

Original poster
TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 12:32

princess ShockShockShock that is horrendous!!!!

greetings - threatened? Really?? Why would they feel like that though? SIL doesn't even have young children. To answer your question, yes I am considerably more educated than her/them Confused (cringe, but you asked).

OP posts:
GreetingsFrontBottom · 08/09/2013 12:33

Yeah, that makes sense.

IrisWildthyme · 08/09/2013 12:35

YANBU at all - and I agree that complete frankness is the best policy. Next time it is suggested that DDs have any time alone with grandma you say quite openly "I am not happy with that until I have heard her promise faithfully and sincerely that she will never have their ears pierced, hair cut on anything else like that without myspecific permission. If she doesn't promise then I won't agree to her seeing them without me." you can't just try to keep them separate without talking about why.

headlesslambrini · 08/09/2013 12:41

IMO it would be good if you can get your DH to talk to her but better if you did otherwise these things will always crop up. She needs to know that you make the decisions not matter how small or insignificant.

You could say something along the lines of:
I heard you talking the other day when I was out of the room, but as it was in your 1st language I'm not sure I translated it properly. It sounded as you were going to take DD's to get their ear pierced when you have them. I just want to make this very clear so that there is no misunderstanding or falling out later on, that I do NOT want them to have their ears done under ANY circumstances. If this happens, then I will need to review the relationship with you between myself and my DD's as the trust that I have in you will be damaged beyond any point of making it up in the future. I do hope I translated your conversation wrong.

LookingForwardToSalmon · 08/09/2013 12:43

Don't leave your dd with her.

If she complains tell her why she isn't allowed to look after her.

FamilarSting · 08/09/2013 12:43

If I had heard anyone say that they would do something involving my children, that they knew I wasn't happy with, I would never leave them alone with that person again. That's terrible, and especially something such as ear piercing which is so permanent.

Misspixietrix · 08/09/2013 12:44

Shock YNBU OP I would Be doubtful about leaving her with dd as Well. It's not about the should they/shouldnt they pierce debate to me. It Is about a member of DH's family clearly ignoring your wishes of What to do with your child. Do they not need the Parents consent? I Got badgered for years by the Ex's family to have Dds ears pierced. I left it until she was older and she asked me to have them done. I was with her at the time so just wondered If they would refuse to If you went round every shop and threatened to sue their arse If they did MIL attempted carrying out her threat ~

PrincessFlirtyPants · 08/09/2013 12:44

Yes, TeaJunky my friend was very good about it, there's no way I would have been so understanding.

TidyDancer · 08/09/2013 13:03

Headlesslambrini's idea is a good one. Play dumb and faux-naively have it out with MIL. I would regardless still ensure no unsupervised contact for a while to hammer the point home.

Hissy · 08/09/2013 14:00

HeadlessLambrini's advice is, for me, the best here.

You have to and need to tackle this head on, as sweetly as you can possibly stomach, but iron fist/velvet glove is what you're aiming for.

WhoNickedMyName · 08/09/2013 14:05

I would have pulled her up on her comment at the time that I heard it. I can't believe you didn't say anything.

Do not leave your DD with her.

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2013 14:13

I think HeadlessLambrini's suggestion is best, you can then follow up with saying that in your family, getting ears peirced is done older when the girl is closer to 10/13/whatever age you'd like to do it and that it's a special Mother and Daughter event, say that you would be very sad if she "stole" that from you, as you have happy memories of doing that with your mum.

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2013 14:14

posted too soon! you could add that when you do decide to do it, if she would like, she could join you for a nice "girls day".

Thumbwitch · 08/09/2013 14:22

I also like HeadlessLambrini's idea.
But I would, to be on the safe side, be resistant to leaving either of your DDs with their grandmother for any length of time as well.

Are you in the UK? I couldn't work out from your posts whether or not you are - I was under the general impression that any reputable ear piercing place wouldn't pierce a baby's ears without parental consent, but of course that could just be hopeful.

Goodness, I get cross enough when MIL cuts DS1's finger nails (she cuts them round, not across, and far too short for my liking, right to the quick) - I'd be incandescent if anyone actually did something like ear-piercing!

If all your safeguards don't work and somehow she manages to achieve it (God forbid), if you took the earrings straight out again, the holes would just heal up again, wouldn't they? I'm not suggesting this is a good option, btw, just an "in case".

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2013 14:28

oh yes and just because SILs leave their DCs with your MIL regularly, don't think you need to do this in order for your DCs to have a good relationship with MIL, you can invite her to your house, take the DCs to her etc, there's no need for her to have "one to one" alone time with them in order to have a good relationship - even though there's a lot of MNers with the view that only time alone with GPs counts as spending time with them and it's impossible for DCs to build a relationship with someone unless they spend time with them without a parent present.

DontmindifIdo · 08/09/2013 14:30

Thumbwitch is right, take them out ASAP they will heal up, but might scar, making it harder to re-pierce later. (but not a huge problem)

zatyaballerina · 08/09/2013 14:35

I would tell her that I overheard her saying that she would pierce her ears behind my back and as a result don't trust her to have unsupervised access.

I would only allow unsupervised access (after several months of proving herself respectful of my parenting) if she were very apologetic and sincerely promised not to do it, warning her that if it happened she wouldn't see the grandkids again and I'd be filing an assault report with the police.

Your mil got to parent her way and your sil is entitled to parent like her mother did but they have no right to make decisions for your children.

WhoNickedMyName · 08/09/2013 14:40

I agree with zaty.

I can't believe people are suggesting reasons/excuses you should give your MIL as to why you don't want your DD's ears pierced.

2rebecca · 08/09/2013 14:44

To me it wouldn't be just the fact that she mentioned taking my child to have her ears pierced knowing it would make me unhappy that would upset me. It is also the way she was talking about me behind my back and laughing about my opinions with other members of her family. That is nasty and designed to bring home the fact that she considered me an outsider and my opinions laughable.
I think they sound quite cliquey and unpleasant and I'd be wanting very little to do with any of them.
I would make it quite clear though that if she ever did anything like getting a child's ears pierced without my permission it would ruin our relationship, and I'd remove the earings so the ears heal up anyway. I would also tell her I don't like having my opinions made fun of and being the butt of her "jokes " either.

Topseyt · 08/09/2013 14:51

I would have been furious if any grandparent or other family member had done anything like this to any of my daughters when they were young.

My daughters are now aged 18, 14 and 11. None has yet had their ears pierced, although the option is open to them now. They just haven't chosen to do so.

Don't just rely on promises (if you get them). It sounds as if she was planning to go behind your back anyway, so the promise would be worthless and you could still return and find she has done just what she said she was going to do. Just never leave your kids alone with her again.

I like the advice you have been given upthread. Cool and civil, but forceful. Just right. You really need to lay down the law here.

ChasedByBees · 08/09/2013 19:07

No way would I let her see her unsupervised. I think you should tell her honestly and calmly why.

Mabelface · 08/09/2013 19:13

I'd not faff about on this, I would be saying that if they even go near a piercer with my baby without my permission, they could say bye bye to visiting again.

Original poster
TeaJunky · 08/09/2013 21:59

Thank you all for replies.

I've decided I'll bring it up next time I see her and say it the way lambrini said - if she as much as shows a hint of still going against my wishes then i definitely won't be leaving the dd's unsupervised with her.

It's a shame. I really did want the dd's to have a close bond with all the grandparents as I didn't get the chance to meet any of mine.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread