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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry, hurt and dissapointed at my sister

29 replies

BextheBambi · 08/09/2013 11:17

a bit of background for you, DP, DD and I live with a lodger as we can't afford to rent somewhere on our own. Said lodger has become both of our best friends and almost an uncle to DD, we consider him to be part of our family. We've all lived together for many years and had no problems.

My sister, as much as I love her, is a drama queen, always attention seeking and seems to have a different boyfriend every week. She moves in with the guys far too quickly. I've mentioned to her on several occasions I don't agree with the way she goes about things.

We've known that lodger and sister have talked on occasions, that's fine with me, then my sister started to call him when she was drunk making out that it was all just friendly and that she didn't want to give him the impression she was leading him on that she didn't like him like that and in her words "I would never want to be with him". Now, it turns out they've been having a relationship for weeks lying to us the whole thing just feels weird.

I'm more concerned about lodger as he is a kind hearted gentlemen, who is completely not her type and she's already trying to change him. In my view she's exhausted all other options so lodger is her fall back guy (there is other evidence to back this up but I won't go into that). I'm upset as this will affect everyone.

when it all ends, which I hope it doesn't for their sake, my DP and I will have lost a best friend and our DD will have lost someone who was like an uncle to her. Even now things don't feel the same, the atmosphere is very strange.

my other concern is that if they break up lodger will feel awkward and move out, thus meaning we can't afford to live in our house anymore (or anywhere else for that matter). or even if they do go the distance, going on my sister's track record, in 6 months time we will have no lodger as well as they'll have moved in together.

I really don't know how to take all of this, if anyone has any input of how I should handle this I'd be very grateful, I really don't want them to feel like I am controlling what they do though.

OP posts:

Snailonthewhale · 08/09/2013 11:23

I do understand your worries but they are both adults and presumably your lodger is capable of making his own decisions. YABU to think that your lodger is going to be living with you forever, it is reasonable to think at some point he may want a partner and family of his own.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 08/09/2013 11:29

I realise that, I actually said the same thing to DP last night. I think it's mainly because I know what my sister is like I know how all her relationships have ended (mainly with her getting bored). They make there own decisions and I've said it's not my place to say yes or no to them. I just don't want to lose a best friend to an awkward situation.

OP posts:

LIZS · 08/09/2013 11:32

Why direct this all at your sister, does your lodger not have the capacity to think and act for himself ? Think you are more upset at the potential of this to rock your status quo, however it turns out .

Listentomum · 08/09/2013 11:37

So you want to control your lodgers life so far as to keep him single so he doesn't ever stuff up your housing dilemma?

headinhands · 08/09/2013 11:38

Maybe he sees the good in your sister, something that you don't seem able to do. No wonder they were keeping it a secret if she's aware of your dim view of her. Regardless of what happens he is ultimately a lodger and doesn't owe you a friendship. I'd be more worried about your relationship with your sister personally.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 08/09/2013 11:44

I guess it's because I know my sister's track record with guys. Don't get me wrong the Lodger has annoyed well and truely as he's lied to my face on several occassions as has my sister. My sister is the one who spoke to him first (drunken on a night out). DP and I are quite protective of lodger as he's been hurt by many of the girls we've met over the years, he's a very timid guy.

I know in my heart of hearts that im being unreasonable I just can't shake the feeling everything is going to go tits up and there will be a horrible animosity between everyone.

I might as well mention that she has done this with our lodger before hand. She made some very horrible accusations against him which we reacted to by evicting him before she admitted that she had exaggerated the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

BextheBambi · 08/09/2013 11:49

This isnt it at all I do not expect our lodger to stay single forever. I do not hate my sister far from it, I disagree with the way that she handles her relationships, that's my only problem which I have been very honest about.

I'm not trying to give her the blame here, they're grown adults they make up their own minds. im simply asking why it feels so weird to me? and voicing my concerns that not only will it end badly but we will lose our best friend over it.

OP posts:

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 08/09/2013 11:53

She made false accusations against him and yet now they're dating ???!

Original poster

BextheBambi · 08/09/2013 11:54

not him the previous lodger, whom he replaced.

OP posts:

LIZS · 08/09/2013 11:58

Perhaps you should take the initiative of having a conversation with him suggesting that he might like to start thinking about finding somewhere else to live as this is way too close for comfort.

headinhands · 08/09/2013 11:58

They are both adults. His responsibility to you is to pay his rent and follow the rules as set out in the tenancy agreement. You don't own him or owe him anything beyond adequate accommodation conditions. You need to separate the two connections in your mind that of friend and lodger. I take it her track record (ugh) involves another person every time.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 08/09/2013 11:59

Oh I see. Well she sounds a bit iffy but you can't really do much about it I guess. They were right in keeping it quiet because you would disapprove, eh!

BinksToEnlightenment · 08/09/2013 12:01

To be blunt, it's not your place to split other people up because their relationship is potentially inconvenient to you.

You're not unreasonable to have your concerns though.

Original poster

BextheBambi · 08/09/2013 12:04

It's such a shame as we've lived with him for almost 5 years it's very hard not to become friends with someone when you've lived with them for that long, but you are right this would be alot easier if we weren't friends.

I'm preparing in my mind for him moving out, and i think this is what upsets me most. this is our home, we've made it our home, this is where we started out family. I really don't want to move out. it sounds so selfish, i hate myself for that.

OP posts:

ihearsounds · 08/09/2013 12:06

THey are adults. You have known him for many years. I assume that during these years he has seen your sis and her many, many exes. He knows what she is like already. He made a choice to get involved with her.
They might end up together for years. Doesn't mean that he would still be a friend. People and friendships deteriorate all the time because of various reasons.
Eventually he will move out anyway. You could have a disagreement today and that's it he's gone. He finds someone. He moves for work reasons.
Really think you need to stop obssessing about how your sister wants to live her life. Just because you have met the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with, doesn't mean that she has to instantly settle down as well.. So what if you think she moves in too quickly. What do you prefer she does, stay living apart for years, both putting a lot of time into a relationship to fail when they move in together because of whatever reasons? She doesn't need your approval. Yes you have told her that you don't agree, but is there really any reason to mention it repeatidely?

AlwaysOneMissing · 08/09/2013 12:07

There is nothing you can do really.

I would just have an honest conversation with your lodger and say that you would like to keep his relationship with your DSis totally separate and not get involved or caught up in it at all to continue living harmoniously as you do now.

If they hit it off and he moves in with her, well that could happen with any woman he meets so YABU to not want that to happen.

I understand why you are unsettled by this though, but you can't let your financial situation influence your behaviour towards either of them.

Morloth · 08/09/2013 12:08

Why couldn't you get another lodger?

Things change.

Floggingmolly · 08/09/2013 12:37

As Morloth said, why is he the only one you could rent a room to? .

headinhands · 08/09/2013 12:39

I'm probably wide off the mark here but how's things with your dp?

QuintessentialOldDear · 08/09/2013 12:45

They are adults, you dont own the lodger!

Presumably if you have a spare room you can find another lodger?

Are there any other ways you can make up the shortfall in rent?

Famzilla · 08/09/2013 12:58

So you're angry, hurt & disappointed with your sister because she is having an adult relationship with someone you feel belongs to you?

Thats the way it seems, that the lodger is your property.

The fact that they felt they had to lie to you makes you seem quite controlling tbh.

Catwoman12 · 08/09/2013 12:59

Do you have secret feelings for your lodger and are actually jealous?

YABU- leave them to it.

WestmorlandSausage · 08/09/2013 13:13

Cut OP some slack - i'm sure she would be perfectly happy with the situation if she didn't feel her sister was going to mess up her lodger/friends life.

Yes lodger and sister are adults and can make their own choices but OP can see that her friend is probably going to get hurt again and this time by OPs own sister. I can understand why she feels angry and hurt. She's not suggested at any point she intends to split them up or meddle in their relationship. It is her business as she lives with one of them and is related to the other so no matter what happens in the relationship she will be stuck in the middle!

No advice really OP, it may just fizzle out and everything will be fine, or you never know maybe it is the 'one' for both of them

Floggingmolly · 08/09/2013 13:27

But there's a very strong undercurrent if "if he moves out we'll lose our home, I couldn't bear to lose my home", Westmoreland, which is a whole different ball game from simply being concerned about either of the couple in a personal sense.
Don't understand why he's the only lodger in the world either...

TiredFeet · 08/09/2013 13:41

I don't really understand why you are so upset that their relationship began as a secret. I think people deserve privacy in the early stages of their relationship whilst they are working things out. It must have been hard for them to feel the scrutiny with him living with you

He was always likely to move out at some point so even if not your sister it is likely to be some other reason soon. Can't you just rent a smaller house if needed?

I get the fear about your sister wrecking a friendship though, my sister treated men awfully at one point and I used to feel the dread if she dated a friend, but actually my friendships endured her bad behaviour (they never blamed me)

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