To not want monthly cash from my mother?

[filee777]

Husband and I are a bit divided on this, it doesn't sit right with me so am trying to collate my thoughts about it.

My mum and I haven't spoken since February, she lives abroad and visits every 4 months or so. We don't speak because my brother was highly abusive to me and she ignored it as well as blaming me both then and now for the abuse causing lots of pain and misery. In February I told her I couldn't speak to her anymore and she had some contact with DH so she could find out how the children are.

She's visiting currently and I haven't seen her, the boys and DH went out for the day with her yesterday and are out shopping with her today. I can understand that she wants to buy the boys things while she is here and take them out. The idea is that once my head is straight, I will join them for a day or two out every 4 months.

The thing is, she's told DH that she wants to put money in his bank account monthly, so that we can take the children out on her behalf. I just think this is weird, I don't want to be in constant contact with her, I don't really want her to be a huge part of mine or the children's lives. Once every 4 months? I can do that. Constantly every month? I just think its too much.

DH thinks I am being stupid and that the money is for the children and I should accept it happening. A lot of my adult life I have felt beholden to this woman and I don't want to anymore. I am uncomfortable with it.

I totally understand why you feel uncomfortable with it - but it is for the children, not for you. Do you feel that she's trying to 'buy' them in some way?

In these circumstances, I also wouldn't accept the money.

It kind of depends on the dynamic of your relationship, it could either be she is using money as an I centime to try ad "keep" you and buy your affection. Or, it could be that she is genuinely trying to offer an olive branch and make amends by supporting your children when she can't support you.

Is she good with the children? I'm on the fence I think.

I don't think you are being stupid. The key for me is that you feel beholden to your mum, and I guess the money just carries that on.

Besides, sooner or later, the issue could easily be that she may feel the money gives her entitlements over the children. Money can, and often is, used as a form of control over others.

The issue for me is the basics of 'taking the children out on her behalf' I don't really understand how that will work.

Also she said to DH it was because she would be 'more involved if in the country' which actually she wouldn't be. I don't want her to be particularly involved in our lives at all.

The dynamic of our relationship is that there is not one. Under duress she admitted to ignoring the abuse because it didn't fit in with her image of a perfect life.

She wants us to 'kiss and make up' but I can't see us ever having a relationship with any sort of depth in future. I just want to see her a couple of times a year for the kids sake, she's always been a great grandmother to them.

I would tell her that if she wants to give the kids money, fine, here are their bank account detail. I wouldn't accept money going to my DH's account though. If she gives you money, you will likely feel obliged to spend more time with her, talk to her more, etc. It sound a bit like she is trying to buy her way into your life. That would make me really uneasy.

hello Filee, gosh you have got so much going on at present - life has a bloody annoying habit of doing that doesn't it! I have a difficult relationship with my mother although she lives just around the corner dammit to me and the issues are different. However i get really annoyed and uncomfortable with the money thing too, she hardly spends any time with DD2 but thinks she is grandmother of the century because she buys her expensive presents, or rather gives me the money to buy them on her behalf or gives me money to take her out, rather than coming with us. I actually told her DD would prefer her company but it goes over her head. So whilst you say your mum has alwasy been a great grandmother? has she, or does she just assuage her guilty with money?

Let her make contributions to the children's bank accounts if she so wishes, but not this silly scheme.

I understand your disquiet.

I think its possible she doesn't understand how certain you are that you don't want a relationship with her. Tbh, it is quite confusing, as you seem happy for her to continue to see your dc. She is probably hoping for a softening of your attitude over time but if you don't see that ever happening why don't you tell her?

Thank you everyone. It does make me uncomfortable, it's too close... LEM (just seeing you reply to my threads cheers me up, lots of screen love for you my friend) it would be difficult to say the least to have her round the corner. Though I imagine I would have to just accept her being there which I don't actually have to do now. Mmmmm big decisions

Instead of taking them out 'on her behalf' how about you let the money accumulate & allow them to buy a gift from her when they want to?

My psychologist told me to TAKE any money offered or given. Payback for my shit childhood.

I'd tell her where to shove her blood money, frankly. And I can't understand why your DH doesn't understand that.

I've spoken to DH, he does understand that it's my decision and that I don't want it. Thanks for the help seeing I'm not being unreasonable everyone.

If you say she's being a good grandmother, then let her be a grandmother.

I'd take the money and save it, but insist that she gives the money by putting it straight into a savings account. That way you don't have to think about it on a regular basis, it will just accumulate without you being reminded of it.

You might end up glad its there when your children are asking for driving lessons, or need money to help them get through university, and you are able to feel less angry with her.

I'd put it into their accounts too. It will be of benefit in the long run.

If she won't take no for an answer I would just put it into a savings account like others have suggested. My mother insisted on giving us a lump sum of money recently as she had helped my brother out and felt she needed to give us the same. I've just put it into the best high interest account I can find and it will stay there until she needs it. The way I see it is if it makes her happier then that's fine by me, but if (when) she needs it back it's there.

I think its possible she doesn't understand how certain you are that you don't want a relationship with her. Tbh, it is quite confusing, as you seem happy for her to continue to see your dc. She is probably hoping for a softening of your attitude over time but if you don't see that ever happening why don't you tell her?

This.

Do you really want her to have any kind of relationship with your children? It isn't necessary, you know. You can cut ties.

I decided that the best thing all round would be that we saw her for a day trip each time she visits, so every 4 months, the children get to see their grandmother and I don't have to feel guilty.

I don't think you've anything to feel guilty about, to be honest.

And as a grandmother myself, I don't actually think seeing or having a relationship with my grandchildren is a 'right' or a necessity for them. It is a bonus if something good and worthwhile can be brought to their lives and I hope that's what I do.

Is that the case with your mother?

Yes she definitely brings joy and happiness to their lives. It's just the emotional scars of the past that make it hard for me to get into a place where I can see her.

I battled with it long enough and my decision is that she can see us for day trips a few times a year, that minimises damage and pain all round I think.

I just think the money thing is too regular, too often and too intrusive

I agree with you and totally understand where your coming from, I also think your being far nicer than I would be in the circumstances.

I would politely decline the offer and not explain why.

I think that's probably for the best SP because I can't be doing with it leading on to more conversations.

Didn't you have a thread not long ago, about whether to see her when she came over?

If that was you, I would say (based on what you related then) be very wary. She still isn't respecting your boundaries, and you could end up feeling very pushed out and labelled as unreasonable while she enjoys family time with your husband and your kids. The issues you related were very serious, and I don't think you should feel in any way obliged to facilitate a very involved (or any) relationship between her and your children while ignores or minimises the problems between you and the past actions that have prompted them.

I wouldn't take the money. They are your children, you and your DH take them out or not as suits you, surely no parent ever takes their children out 'on someone else's behalf'?

And I would not commit to any further pattern of contact for your family with her-just play it by ear, according to how you and your DH feel.