To not want monthly cash from my mother?

[filee777]

Husband and I are a bit divided on this, it doesn't sit right with me so am trying to collate my thoughts about it.

My mum and I haven't spoken since February, she lives abroad and visits every 4 months or so. We don't speak because my brother was highly abusive to me and she ignored it as well as blaming me both then and now for the abuse causing lots of pain and misery. In February I told her I couldn't speak to her anymore and she had some contact with DH so she could find out how the children are.

She's visiting currently and I haven't seen her, the boys and DH went out for the day with her yesterday and are out shopping with her today. I can understand that she wants to buy the boys things while she is here and take them out. The idea is that once my head is straight, I will join them for a day or two out every 4 months.

The thing is, she's told DH that she wants to put money in his bank account monthly, so that we can take the children out on her behalf. I just think this is weird, I don't want to be in constant contact with her, I don't really want her to be a huge part of mine or the children's lives. Once every 4 months? I can do that. Constantly every month? I just think its too much.

DH thinks I am being stupid and that the money is for the children and I should accept it happening. A lot of my adult life I have felt beholden to this woman and I don't want to anymore. I am uncomfortable with it.

Yes I did have a thread a while back, it was hard for me but I concluded that we would have family days once in a while rather than any regular contact or no contact at all.
I am happy with that, though I didn't want to see her on this occasion.
I agree, nobody takes a child out 'for someone else' and that is what really confused me about the whole thing.

If she wants to give money to the kids, she can put it in an account for the kids. If she wants to give money to us then she should say that so we can say no. Giving us money to give to the kids is just weird.

As for playing it by ear... That difficult because she lives on the other side of the world. So she's only here every 4 months. Which is fine. She can see us for a day when she comes and that's that.

Sorry, what I meant by playing it by ear is, never be tied to any understanding that when she comes she can (for example) see the kids on 3 days or whatever. You've had this visit, now whether you see her at all or the kids do on her next visit can be left to be decided nearer the time according to how you feel then.

Ah I see what you mean, I think that would drive her barmy.

Win win...

My intention is not to punish her, I think that's part of the letting her see the kids this time it stops the inevitable slagging me off with the rest of the family about how cruel I am to her.

Tell her that you won't except the money into your account to take the children out on her behalf, but it she'd like to save for your children and give them the money as a gift that's entirely up to her and she should set up a separate account for that, or you are happy to do it for her.