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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled going on this night out?

33 replies

LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 21:50

This may be quite long but I need to know if IWBU.

I am leaving my ea husband this month. I have a house to go to, just in the process of furnishing it etc before I move.

A while ago now, mine and H's mutual friends arranged a weekend away to celebrate one of their 30ths. I had nothing to do with the plans other than agreeing to go. I was having to keep my plans to leave secret from H as he would have made life unbearable for me and likely kicked me out there and then. I ended up telling H that I was leaving this week after a particularly bad day of his EA.

H immediately told me to cancel our plans so I let them know. They said they were fine with this and understood. The next day, H was being all repentant and asking me to stay etc so he then arranged for us to go to the revised night out (tonight).

The plan was to go drinking all day in the nearest city to us. Neither of us wanted to go out drinking all day and additionally I am on antibiotics for an infection in my leg so I can't walk properly so I wouldn't have been able to drink. The antibiotics aren't working very well either and are making me feel seek and dizzy. We said we would come at tea time.

Throughout all this H has been saying he doesn't really want to go and wouldn't let me know one way or the other. They were texting quite a lot to find out when we would be meeting them but H refused to answer me or deal with it leaving me to text umpteen apologies that I wasn't sure if our plans. One of our friends rang this morning to find out what was going on and ended up saying that it would have been better if I'd known I'd wanted to leave months ago. I thought this was quite mean of her as the decision to leave hasn't been taken lightly and I am obviously hurt over the breakdown of my marriage.

Anyway, it was getting closer to when we would have to start getting ready and H was dragging his feet and I was feeling increasingly ill. So I ended up just texting to say I was unwell and couldn't make it, sorry, hope you have a good night etc.

I then get a text from the same friend as earlier to say that the birthday friend is in tears about us not coming. I'm not sure what to say to that. They know the situation, they know I am ill, I don't know why they wanted us there when we would only have brought a massive atmosphere with us as we aren't even talking ATM.

But equally I feel bad about missing such an important birthday and bad that I have upset a good friend. Of course if things had been different I would have been looking forward to it. I'm not sure that guilt tripping me was a terribly kind thing to do though.

So, was I being unreasonable to not go tonight?

OP posts:
deakymom · 07/09/2013 21:53

no your not being unreasonable your ill and leaving your husband what do people expect?

Doubtfuldaphne · 07/09/2013 21:54

I think your friends should understand and not put you under any more pressure than you're already under. Just explain to her tomorrow and focus on getting yourself sorted.

PaleHousewifeOfCumbriaCounty · 07/09/2013 21:56

The so called friends need to get a life.

DameFanny · 07/09/2013 21:59

What they said. Good luck for your brighter future Smile

Pollywallywinkles · 07/09/2013 21:59

You are not being unreasonable.

Vivacia · 07/09/2013 22:00

I wonder if they haven't got the message. Your situation is so serious and big they might just not understand. To be fair, I would have expected you to just say, "no, I'm afraid we're having some serious relationship problems. Have a good time and I'll be in touch in a couple of weeks to catch up" rather than engaging in a lot of texts saying you might come, you might not come.

Finola1step · 07/09/2013 22:00

Good grief. There will be more birthdays, including big ones. You really need to look after yourself. Lay it on the line. Tell them how ill you are and how tough things are. You are leaving your marriage, your friends should be rallying not laying in the guilt trips. If the birthday girl is crying, it's probably because she's already had one too many. Please look after yourself. Your husband's behaviour today sounds like a continuance of the ea. Put yourself first.

CoffeeTea103 · 07/09/2013 22:07

YANBU, you are going through a very difficult time and they need to be supportive. If they can't see this then you don't need these people in your life. You were being considerate in not wanting to bring an uncomfortable atmosphere to the party. Take care of yourself op. you have a tough few weeks ahead and just need supportive people around you.

Original poster
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 22:09

Thank you everyone, it does help to hear from others that are not involved that ianbu. I have forgotten how to have an opinion of my own and how to put myself first, I guess as a consequence of being emotionally abused for 13 years.

Vivacia, I think you have a point there. I have tried to leave h many times before but have always gone back and they keep saying things like 'I hope you sort it out'. I just reply 'but I don't want to sort it out anymore'.

I know they must feel really let down by us. It just sticks because I feel like it is me being blamed when H was just as much at fault. I know we messed them around too, they changed their plans twice because of us, but I was finding it difficult to be straight as I am used to letting H make the decisions to avoid any repurcussions for myself.

Urgh, I have been warned I would likely lose friends over this, and this feels like just the start Sad.

OP posts:
ArgyMargy · 07/09/2013 22:09

Don't be daft, of course YANBU.

cjel · 07/09/2013 22:11

Perhaps friend in tears is sad because you were unable to go, not cross? She may have been upset for what you are going through you only have the word of the third 'friend' passing on how the birthday girl is feel.

I think this is a time when you need to look after yourself and don't add guilt about other peoples feeling to your stress. It could be if you are used to being abused by H then you accept abuse from others too easily?x

whois · 07/09/2013 22:14

Uh, you are I'll and your marriage is breaking down... Totally reasonable not to go! 'Friends' should be more understanding!

Vivacia · 07/09/2013 22:18

I really would put this friend on the back burner for a couple of weeks. It sounds as though you have enough on your plate and need to reserve your energies to get out and start your new life. Then when you're ready invite her round for whatever floats your boat.

Original poster
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 22:19

Quite possibly cjel. Even though they are what I class as good friends, I don't expect them to understand.

I know she is angry at me us. When I cancelled the first time, and I was very honest about why, I know she was pissed off. They cancelled the weekend away and changed to an all day drinking session. At that point we still weren't going. It was H who then arranged for us to go on this before changing his mind a hundred times and telling me to sort it out.

I am more surprised and hurt at the guilt tripping, especially from this particular friend. She went through a very nasty breakup from another mutual friend and we all rallied round. I would never have put any extra stress on her at that point. I thought she would understand more than anyone Sad.

But equally, they have been there for me for the key moments in my life and in many ways I feel like I 'owe' it to them to return the favour. I think has I not been feeling so ill then I still would have gone despite the problems with H but I genuinely felt/feel like shit. But illness always sounds like a rubbish excuse especially when you've already been so flaky about plans.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/09/2013 22:20

I've cancelled nights out for much less, trust me.

HollaAtMeBaby · 07/09/2013 22:22

YANBU - these friends sound like selfish arses.

Vivacia · 07/09/2013 22:23

I don't think your friend gets the seriousness of the situation. From her point of view could it be that you had a tiff with your partner, they cancel everything and rearrange around you both, then you say you can't do that, then your husband lets them know it's all back on and then you cancel at the last minute...

The bit that sticks out for me is that your husband made an arrangement with them and then left you to sort it out when he changed his mind. That's not your job any more.

Original poster
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 22:25

Grin puds.

Did anyone read the tread about nobody turning up to parties on chat a little while ago? I vowed after that that I wouldn't be so flaky in future but here I've gone and cancelled at the very last minute.

If the night out had been more local I'd have probably gone for an hour or two and come home but the plans would have involved driving to a city I am unfamiliar with and trying to find scarce parking and lots of walking so not so easy just to go for a couple of hours.

If they don't decide to cut ties with me after this, I may take her out for a birthday lunch. Incidentally, my new house I'd very close to where both these friends live so I was hoping we would be able to spend more time together as u don't get to see them all that often at the moment.

OP posts:
PiratePanda · 07/09/2013 22:26

Lord, life is too short for such crap. They don't sound like particularly fabulous friends TBH if they put the guilts on you when they know you're sick, your H is abusive and your relationship is on the rocks. You absolutely did nothing wrong, and you must be exhausted with all the drama. Don't feel bad.

Original poster
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 22:30

vivacia, I think you are absolutely right and have given me a different perspective on it. Really they should know it's serious because my husband cheated on me three months after we got married and they are well aware of that. I didn't leave immediately but after I found out, H stepped up the EA a few notches, probably because I was being arsey about his affair.

But, they don't see me that much so they probably don't fully understand what is going on and are just looking at tonight. In fairness though, I kept my leaving a big secret from everyone to avoid H finding out. I only told my family. It must sound to them like it has come out of the blue but I've been planning this for months in secret.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/09/2013 22:33

Focus on yourself for a while and then make the effort to build some bridges and fill them in on the secrets you've had to keep.

When do you move out? Am I right in understanding you've now told him you're leaving? Does he know just how serious and organised you are?

Original poster
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 22:40

Thank you vivacia and everyone for your well wishes. I've posted quite a lot on chat about my situation right from when I had the call from the ow, so I've had lots of support from MN Smile.

I was initially going to leave while H was on a lads weekend away but I felt really guilty about this. I ended up blurting it out when he had been in at me alllll day and I snapped. I regret this now because I was perfectly willing to go on the weekend away and keep up pretences. If only I'd held out a few more days.

H has reacted quite badly, as expected, but flits between being furious at me and repentant and begging for us to just have a trial separation Hmm. I am aiming to leave in a couple of weeks and things should be easier as I can start moving things slowly now he knows. I just have to find a few key bits of furniture like beds before I go as I can't take very much furniture or the expensive stuff from the marital home.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyToHaveYouAll · 07/09/2013 22:43

Forgot to add that he doesn't know I've been planning this. As far as he's concerned this has been a recent decision. He'd hit the roof if he knew the full extent of my plans.

OP posts:
Cupcake1985 · 07/09/2013 22:46

I think sometimes you get to the point in life where you have to stop worrying so much about things that don't matter. You matter, you getting out of a marriage you dont want to be in matters. not an 'all day drinking session'. Make new friends, better friends. Your friends shouldn't have cancelled their last plans because you pulled out and shouldn't be crying (I bet she isn't crying though its jus a lie to make you feel bad) because you can't make a night out. They should carry on with their lives because you don't need that guilt and pressure of them wanting your time on top of everything else. Apologise, be kind, then stop texting. While they are drunk they will only say things that will upset you. Hope it goes well in the future.

PavlovtheCat · 07/09/2013 22:47

firstly I am so sorry you are going through such a shit time. secondly, don't feel guilty as you are having to look after yourself right now and not be put in yet another emotionally blackmailing position. You know you have to do what you are doing, and you have to concentrate on that. Let them get over it in time and let them show you their true colours; either as true friends who will get over one day to be there for you in your time of need, or as feckless shits who are more concerned about their one night of Me time than your future wellbeing.

And it sounds like your H is continuing to lay is ea shit on you even now.

Good luck x

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