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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want all my mothers facebook friends (Who she doesn't know) to see all the photos of my daughter?

45 replies

GingerBlackAndOriental · 07/09/2013 21:44

My mother lives 6+ hours away. We keep in touch via facebook and occasional skyping.

I have high privacy settings on my facebook. I only have friends and family on my friends list. She has 300+ friends a good few of whom she added through her facebook games, so as far as I'm concerned these are strangers. She's never met them, she doesn't know them.

Not so long ago she was nearly the victim of a bankers draft scam from some man that befriended her on FB, talked to her for a few months then arranged to meet, asked her to cash a bankers draft for him. So this just proved to me she has no idea about who a lot of these people are.

AIBU to not want her to tag herself in all the photo's of my daughter that I upload? She can see them whenever she wants, but I have set it so she can't tag herself in them so that her 'friends' can't see them all. She's pretty pissed off, saying that I'm separating her from our life and pushing her out.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 07/09/2013 21:48

YANBU for not wanting strangers to see the photos. But YABU to expect to retain control of them once they are on facebook.

Can you try tumblr, or something similar? I don't know much about it but I think its easier to control who sees the photos while still being able to share them with your mum.

dogindisguise · 07/09/2013 21:50

I don't think you are being unreasonable. So long as she can see the pictures surely that's enough? If she wants some of her close friends to see them, she could download them.

Could you also try another photo-sharing site such as Flickr?

EsmereldaBelle · 07/09/2013 21:57

I completely agree with you OP. one of my good friends didn't have Facebook privacy settings on and her baby ended up on a fake account (so creepy) pretending it was their child!!!! Have you tried altering your Facebook settings so you have to approve any tags that are added?
Good luck Thanks

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 07/09/2013 22:26

That's what I have done Esmeralda I approve any tags now, whereas before she had free reign and tagged herself in them all! Not just a few here and there, pretty much every single one.

Wannabe I know everything that is uploaded to FB then belongs to facebook bla bla, but with strict settings like my own I'm comfortable with who can see them. I'm not comfortable with all her unknowns being able to.

She totally went off it at me because of it.

OP posts:
HeffalumpTheFlump · 07/09/2013 22:47

Yanbu, why is it such a big deal that she can tag herself? [confused. She can see the pictures, that should be enough!

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 07:28

Don't get me started heffalump Angry

She want's the photo's to 'come to her as soon as they are on facebook' She was annoyed because apparently a mutual friend from my hometown had seen some of the photo's before she had.

I've set her facebook so she now gets a notification as soon as I upload photos. I've tried explaining that it doesn't make a difference about who sees them first, I said-

Tagging doesn't make you see them before anyone else does.Being the first to go on facebook after I have uploaded the photos would make you the first to see them. All tagging does is make it so everyone on YOUR friends list can see them. I don't know all the people on your facebook and neither do you. You can see the pics I put on whenever you want.

Her reply?

Aye right you cheeky shite! Go get yourself! You just want to take everything away from me!! ..done! and to remember that I'm the child I'm 30 FFS

Apparently I'm internet fucked and paranoid worrying about strangers on the internet is stupid and she thinks I am rejecting her. Hmm

I'm not religious at at all but god give me strength!

OP posts:
Sparklymommy · 08/09/2013 07:33

She is being unreasonable.

A friend of my brothers has just removed all photos of her children after they were "stolen" and used on a fake account where they were then tagged with strange men's names.

mrspaddy · 08/09/2013 07:35

I would hate this but I am not going to put any photo's of my baby on facebook for reasons like this.

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 07:47

That's the thing isn't it? I have high privacy settings and only add people I know for these exact reasons. Seeing as she lives so far away and we don't see each other very often (once a year for a few weeks) It's a great way to keep in touch with each other.

I tried explaining about it using the example of when my DD is at school and not putting photos on of her in her uniform as I wouldn't want the location of her school to be identified. That was when she started swearing again and telling me I was paranoid.. Hmm

OP posts:
SsimTee · 08/09/2013 07:56

Oh my world, is that the way your mum speaks to you? I wouldn't put up with anybody talking to me like that, and that includes my own parents. I'm shocked.

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 07:59

SsimTee

When she's had a drink and is pissed off? Yes. If we're speaking on the phone I just hang up if she gets like that.

When she's sober? No.

It's one of the reasons I'm extra happy that we live so far away from each other.

OP posts:
mrspaddy · 08/09/2013 08:02

Can you delete your account for a while until she calms down... It's not on at all.

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 08:09

I'd actually be doing the things she is accusing me of then though wouldn't I?

Deleting it until she calms down? She'd have a bloody fit, say that I am cutting her off and my house phone would be ringing off the bloody hook.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 08/09/2013 08:10

It seems there is more to this than just Facebook.

The normal conversation would go

OP : Mum, please don't tag any pictures with the DC in
OPDM: OK, I won't, I understand your concerns and share them

Your mothers reaction is not normal

NorksAreMessy · 08/09/2013 08:11

'

(there is the missing apostrophe)

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 08:12

You're not kidding norks.

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 08/09/2013 08:12

I would send her hard copies of those photos only. or send them by email with express instructions not to post on FB.

NorksAreMessy · 08/09/2013 08:13

Having a fit that you are cutting her off, insisting on seeing pictures first, telling you how to use Facebook, swearing at you.

Any single one of these would make me back off slowly. This is not how most people's relationships are with their mothers. :(

What else is going on?

gallicgirl · 08/09/2013 08:14

YANBU
Just curious , but how would you know if someone had stolen your photos and tagged strange men in them?

NorksAreMessy · 08/09/2013 08:14

pav unfortunately, I can see her scanning the photos and claiming them as 'hers' :(

This isn't about the photos, there is lots more going on

PavlovtheCat · 08/09/2013 08:14

Aye right you cheeky shite! Go get yourself! You just want to take everything away from me!! ..done!

This would have me deleting her from my FB account. End. Of.

It is your right as a mother to be 'paranoid' about strangers on the internet. If she doesn't want to do that, her call. But for you to get abuse for wanting to protect the safety of your child should see you telling her to take a hike.

PavlovtheCat · 08/09/2013 08:15

norks I am reading more, I only read the OP before posting. I am getting that perhaps she shouldn't get any photos at all...

Original poster
GingerBlackAndOriental · 08/09/2013 08:23

To be quite honest I've been this close to cutting her off a few times in the past before DD. Since I found out I was pregnant and my daughter was born 18 months ago we've got on well. So it's been nearly 2 and a half years of smooth sailing. (Apart from a small blip when I said I just wanted my partner present at the birth)

Thing is she has no one else. No partner, no other children or grandchildren. She lives in my hometown and the only family there are her own mother (my nanny) and her stepdad.

I don't want to cut her off. I'd feel awful thinking about her alone and miserable... soft touch maybe, but I know if anything happened to her and we'd not spoken I'd regret it.

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 08/09/2013 08:31

ginger please forgive me if you are already there, but please go to the 'stately homes' thread.
What you are describing is FOG (fear, obligation and guilt)

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness.

DTisMYdoctor · 08/09/2013 08:32

Obviously there's more to this than the original point about fb photos, but just as an FYI you can change settings for your photo albums so that friends of friends don't see them.

If you go to the settings for an album and choose custom for your sharing preferences you'll get an option to untick the box to share with friends of those tagged. You maybe have to do it on the full site though.